Daily Laughter

It's Friday

I am going to get my new headstone made for my grave made, this time it will say

"See I told you Morons that I was ill now do you believe me"

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation ... and today is when it stops!

Though I have the desire and goal for sweeping and vacuuming the floors, it would require me to clean up everything on the floor first.

The funniest things keep happening to me on Fridays... I misplace my energy when the sun comes up and I always seem to find it when the sun goes down..., I think I have it all backwards...! Friday is funny! LOL!

I am seriously having a very very lazy day today... It's Friday and my butt just doesn't want to move at all ... lol!

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.

It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic, and 200 million to make a film about it.

Funny names for children: Hazel Nutt, Phil Hole, Anna Sasin and Doug Graves.

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana


A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!

The second mouse gets the cheese.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Nothing succeeds like a parrot with no teeth.

Oxymoron: Look at that giant midget settle on the jumbo shrimp.

Customer: 'Do you serve lobsters?'

Waiter: 'We serve anybody, sir.'

I liked your opera. Perhaps I will set it to music.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Rufus always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.

Pay no attention to what the critics say; no statue has ever been erected to a critic.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

If you dig a hole for someone else, you'll fall into it.

A man who had spent 20 years in prison for bank robbery back in 1963 thought he would try again in 2003 in Spotsylvania County, Virginia, USA. He demanded and received several thousand dollars from two surprised bank cashiers and as he fled he spilled $100 notes in his wake as he attempted to stuff the cash into his pockets and get away.

When he reached his hired getaway car he realised that he had locked his keys inside. This bungling burglar promptly took to his heels and fled the scene on foot followed by two passersby who grabbed him. The fleeing felon attempted to pull out his gun but failed, and shot himself in his leg but kept fighting his would be arresters; one of whom shot the suspect.

The local police have charged the robber with 8 felonies, including robbery and 2 counts of attempted murder. The suspect was attended to in hospital and recovered.

No, you couldn't make up a story like that.

Ron, an eighty five year old man, was sitting on the couch with his wife, Maisie, when she said to him, 'Why don't you come sit close to me like you used to.' So he did.

After a moment Maisie said, 'Why don't you put your arm around me like you used to.'

Ron put his arm around Maisie and held her tight. Then she said, 'Why don't you nibble on my ear like you used to.'

Ron got up and left the room.

'Where are you going?' Maisie called out.

'To get my teeth,' Ron replied.

Just before the funeral service, the Mr Thompson, the undertaker came up to Laura, the very elderly widow and asked her, 'How old was your husband?'

'95,' Laura replied. 'Just two years older than me.'

'So you're 93,' Mr Thompson the undertaker observed.

Laura responded with a wry grin, 'Hardly worth going home, isn't it?'

Another year has passed

And we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter

And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,

To put down on my pad,

But lots of things, That come to mind

Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago

When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand

About 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to friends' homes,

Football games and lunches.

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,

And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,

From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches

And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,

And couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,

Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often

To places near and far.

Now we get backaches

From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping

For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother...

All the sizes are too small.

That is how life is,

And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...

Before you're too darn old!

It's OK to tell a secret

to a dolphin or a seal,

but a pig cannot be trusted,

for a pig will always squeal!


My turn signal wasn't working,

So I asked for help from a friend.

Stand behind the car, I said.

Let's get this problem to end.

When I turn the signal on,

If it's working, let me know.

I hit the blinker and then I heard:

Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!


I slide myself into you,

so soft so warm,

I feel your tongue upon my skin.

keeping me from harm.

I feel so lucky, love at first site.

I tried to restrain myself.

when I saw you on that night.

we mesh so well.


The sunrise from the west.

give us lights.

The lights overhead.

the sun shine.

Shine over our head.

make us tan.

Then burn us dead.


As soon as Fred gets out of bed.

His underwear goes on his head.

His mother laughs "Don't put it there,

A head's no place for underwear!".

But near his ears, above his brains,

Is where Fred's underwear remains.

At night when Fred goes back to bed,

He deftly plucks it off his head.

His mother switches off the light.

And softly croons,"Good night! Good night!"


Run chicken run.

The farmers got the gun.

The wife has the oven hot.

And your the one.

So run and run.

So you dont get served with a bun.


What's going on? My brother Barry asked of me

"Stick up your head, and tell us what you see

We'd built a fort of old "Tea Chest's" and sod

To fight a "Clod" war with the "Belchambers" mob


This sorry tale of how good health can lead a man to strife

Was told by one who'd never had a crook day in his life.

Not since he was a nipper had old George been taken ill.

Avoiding plague like maladies had taken quite some skill.


Rattlesnake stew

centipede salad

seaweed and jellyfish sandwich

milk mixed with glue

a-chooberry pie

I hope the old bat doesn't die!


Smiling is infectious you can catch it like the flu

when someone smiled at me I started smiling too

when I passed the corner someone saw my grin

when he smiled I realized I passed it onto him


I show respect for the bus driver by

I show respect for my teacher by

I show respect for the cafeteria monitor by

I show respect for my fellow students by

I show respect for the janitor by

and so on.


Mixed signals flowing left and right

Unsaid feelings always locked up tight

Confusion now running high

Will anything happen between you and I?

Your broken heart reveals nothing

And as always I am left wondering what it all means

But it's time for us to come clean

My heart can't take more indecision.


The sun is like your face

but its not a disgrace

so many people look up to it

and then they change their ways


Have you heard of sweet tooth Andy?

Makes his bed with sugar candy.

And it never fails by dawn

all of Andy's bed is gone.


I feel like a clown

thats why I'm so down

this is not any fun

because you weigh a ton.

I do not like you

because you are a piece of poo.


I'm writing you this new love letter

and then I'll post it to your door

So you can understand my love much better

and see you're the one that I adore


I know how it is to need money

As much as I can get

My teenager goes to the mall

And I go into debt.

Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them

...but your grandchildren are perfect.

Going out is good.

Coming home is better.

When people say you look "Great"...

they add "for your age".

When you needed the discount you paid full price.

Now you get discounts on everything ...

movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

You forget names ... but it's OK

because other people forgot

they even knew you!

The 5 pounds you wanted to lose

is now 15 and you have a better chance

of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

You realise you're never going

to be really good at anything ... especially golf.

Your husband is counting on you

to remember things you don't remember.

The things you used to care to do,

you no longer care to do,

but you really do care that you

don't care to do them anymore.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair

with the TV blaring than he does in bed.

It's called his "pre-sleep".

Remember when your mother said

"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?

Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

You used to say,

"I hope my kids GET married ..."

Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

You miss the days when everything worked

with just an "ON" and "OFF""switch..

When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...

were unheard of, and a mouse was something

that made you climb on a table.

You used to use more 4 letter words ...


Now that you can afford

expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

Your husband has a night out with the guys

but he's home by 9:00 pm ...next week it will be 8:30 pm

You read 100 pages into a book before you realise you've read it.

Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers.

Now that your husband has retired ...

you'd give anything if he'd find a job.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....

2 of which you will never wear.

But old is good in some things:

old songs

old movies

And best of all OLD FRIENDS.

Love you, "OLD FRIEND".

Breath Easy My Friends

Have a great Friday and an even better Saturday

Berwick xxxx

13 Replies

  • Brilliant......a good laugh before work on a Friday!

    Thanks Berwick x "lovin your work"!! As the youngsters say .....ok and the odd middle age career !

  • Great that you can laugh then go to work, my days of working have long gone. Have a great day Berwick xxx

  • Nice one Graeme yet again, love the smiling is infectious one - damn me caught it just from reading :O xx

  • Last good scrobbitty, long may it last. Berwick xxx

  • Good ones Graeme and good morning very dull, damp and dark here in Shropshire.

    Lib x

  • Try to do my best libbygood. Weather in South Wales is the same as you. Berwick xxx

  • Thanks Graeme for the smiles :)

    From a rather damp and dreary South Lanarkshire

    Sandra x x x

  • It,s the same in South Wales nowheeze. Glad you had smiles. It is a good start to the day. My niece Lives in Hamilton

    Berwick xxx

  • Used to love shopping in the charity shops in Hamilton, but the hills defeat me now :(

  • More smiles to start the day, and I need them to-day. :) :) :)

  • Missed you for the last couple of days exblonde. Berwick xx

  • A nice laugh to start my afternoon - thanks berwick just what I needed to go with my cuppa

    :) Anna

  • Like the snile one best, only infection I want to catch. Thanks for the smiles

    Tina x

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