Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir.
They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.
'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.
Only in England...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..
Why do cows have horns?
Because their bells don't work.
What is the longest word in the English language? 'Smiles'. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares.
A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."
Guy says, "That’s how you cut it last time"
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alex
Alex who?
Alexplain later now let me in.
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
Thats it for today folk
Breath Easy and have a nice day
Berwick
Permanent Lung Scarring from Pneumonia
There's a moose loose about the hoose
Transferred to Respiratory unit & holed up there 
