I had a heart attack a few weeks ago - and a nice, shiny new stent fitted that saved my life. I only spent a couple of days in hospital, thankfully. I couldn't sleep at all in the hospital - and the food was, ehh, not to my taste, to put it politely.
I so want to get better. I want to live more than I ever knew I did before I had the heart attack. In fact, I'd say my lifestyle was more akin to a slow form of suicide up until I was chucked in the back of an ambulance. I could go on about why, but it would be long, and probably annoy a lot of people. Let's just say the last five years have been very difficult and I've had to give-up on some long held dreams in order to do the 'right thing'.
More relevant to this community, I'm suffering from some anxiety and insomnia combined with quite a sense of euphoria, and gratitude towards the NHS workers who saved my life and cared for me. There's a degree of dread too about what comes next. I'm trying to do the right things. I stopped smoking immediately - and I was a very heavy smoker - not just of tobacco either! I need to lose weight - about four stone, and I'm yearning to start taking some serious exercise as I know this is how I've lost weight in the past. But, of course, I've been told I must take only very mild exercise for now. In fact, I'm probably doing more than I should just keeping house and home together - I am a full time carer for my elderly, disabled mum.
Coming to terms with the fact that all of the things I've been planning to do with my life are not realistic now - if they were even realistic before my heart attack. I don't know. I just feel that life is so finite now, and that every moment is precious. My heart wants to pack-up (maybe an unfortunate turn of phrase) and set off on an adventure before it's too late. But I also couldn't live with myself if I just dumped my mum in a home either. I'd really like to live in a commune - and cook, sing, make music and mad passionate love under the stars somewhere warm! Get up in the morning and swim in the sea...
I'm rubbish at small-steps - I like to throw myself in at the deep end. But it's small-steps I'm told I have to take now.
Anyway, I think I'd better stop my insomniac's ramblings for now. I just keep trying to remind myself how lucky I am to even have a chance of a bit more life.