how do you deal with your partners if any who have shut them selves off from you.keeping there distance because they just don't want to talk about it.or don't like seeing you on bad days struggle.its really effecting me mentally now.i just want to tell him if he can't help or support me then go !!!!!!!
advise needed : how do you deal with... - British Heart Fou...
advise needed
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Lala49
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36 Replies
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Hello 
Everyone reacts in different ways I suppose but it is very hurtful when we need them the most and they pull away from us
It sounds like he cannot cope and maybe he finds walking away he can block it all out not much help to you I know but the only way he maybe be able to deal with it
I suppose you have tried to talk with him if not then that is a must and if you find you cannot get anywhere by talking then maybe write it all down like a letter and leave it for him to read , by seeing it on paper how you feel it might get the message over better and of course ask why and what does he want as you physically are not well but tell him mentally you are now starting to go under to
If he does not respond to trying to communicate talking or writing it down then I would suggest you do yourself two lists
One the positives of having him in your life
Secondly the negatives
One of these lists will read better than the other and this might help you to make a final decision but as this would be a big one you have to be sure
The other thing rather than making it final if communication is not working is having time apart and see how you both feel then ?
I hope you can resolve this for your benefit and will let us know how you get on x
jeanjeannie50 in reply to
What a lovely sensible suggestion BeKind. x
Us males react very differently to females. Above all, your other half can’t do anything to help at the moment. We generally protect our females but an invisible illness we can’t protect.
Additionally, you no doubt have some division in household duties and we don’t do very well with cooking nor caring.
I am guessing you will need a new valve ??
If so, then explain that to your other half. And that you should fully recover. Maybe even explain that you will need care for at least three months. Ideally someone will help, not just your husband. He can then help you with rehab and ideally someone else will cook for you both.
I think you two need to start on the same page. Then you have a good chance.
Good luck
Sooty
Thank you for giving us females your male insight Sooty. I can totally understand what you have said.
This is something that crops up a lot. I have had 25 years of it and my wife has stood by me the whole way. I have always involved her and where possible she has come to appointments with me and asked questions of the Cardiologist herself. I'm not saying it is perfect but it has certainly helped me over the years.
Women usually do support their men, but the other way round can be a bit different.
Me and my ex partner of 14 years had some friends - a man and woman who had lived together for many years. She had a severe stroke, ended up in a wheelchair and her man finished with her. I was saying to my partner that I thought it was awful to have left her and his reply was that he didn't think he could spend the rest of his life looking after someone. I thought well thank you for telling me! Our relationship didn't last long after that! I would have looked after him no matter what, as I did on two separate occasions when he had stents put into his heart.
Jean
That's so sad and really selfish. From my point of view. It's like saying oh now your not fit and well. Your a burden. Even though you looked after him. It's how your conscience is as well I could never walk away from someone who had looked after me in there time of support. All you need to do is be there to support and comfort them and make drinks and meals in a return for all your partner did. Brian
Yes, that word 'burden' is certainly true.
It shouldn't be though because you still have to enjoy life together the best way you can and still do things together
That's what partners in life fear - someone ese being a burden to them. I can imagine partners being more supportive if you have spent most of your lives together.
Not always sadly people change as they get older and then both want different things out of life. And retirement and spending all there time together is another shock as well sometimes. Brian
We are worlds apart as a species, men and women. Women tend to "man up" to the task ahead and men hide or pretend it isn't happening. Of course there are exceptions to all rules.Some people are scared of hospitals and all that's involved when their oh is ill.
Likewise when they are ill, they can push you away because they don't want you to see them at their most vulnerable. When my partner was diagnosed with bowel cancer and had a stoma fitted, he wouldn't let me anywhere near him because of the noises it made and he felt it smelled. We didn't live together so I was forced to stay away and his daughter looked after him, keeping me updated of how he was doing. He recovered from this and the stoma was reversed but by then the damage to our relationship was done.
Please talk to him and tell him how you feel. He's probably as scared as you are and is shutting you out because that's his way of coping.
Do you have family members or friends who can help you out whilst you recover. Whilst ready meals aren't the answer long term, they are great for the short term if he can't cook. The major supermarkets will deliver so you could do the shopping on line.
Good Luck to you both.
Hi Lala,I totally understand your situation.
I had a similar situation after my CABG where my husband was not coping with the home situation and after 2 days being home from hospital, not able to do anything for myself, he yelled that I should be more appreciative, then left me to fend for myself for the following 18 hours. At that point an ambulance picked me up to return to hospital.
I received enormous support from my friends, but I decided there and then that would leave my husband out of my care. I was able to organise home care after returning from the hospital and completely focussed on myself and getting better. Now 1.5 years on, I am physically almost back to where I was and mentally much stronger. I have learned from talking to others, going through relation therapy and focussing on my own mental health that I should not depend on my husband for any kind of care. He is a lovely man and he can cook and clean and all the rest, but his inability to share his feelings about a situation is his problem that he is working on. I have to learn to trust him again, because to be left on your own when you are at your most vulnerable, is the worst feeling I have ever had.
My advice is to concentrate on your own health, put as much outside support in place, physical and mental, as you can gather around you and read the book:
The Healing Self written by Deepak Chopra. Stress is the number one cause of heart disease (with bad life style of course) and you want to minimise that as much as you can. Keep writing and spewing, and sharing your feelings, then find something fun to occupy yourself with. We’re here to support!
Thinking of you. Xx
I do see where you’re coming from. I’m almost 12 months on from my HA. Which has left me with muscle damage and arrhythmia’s. My husband of over 40yrs has coped and is coping brilliantly with the physical side of helping me. But the emotional support is a different thing. He’s always admitted he’s not very good at emotional things. It’s not that he doesn’t love me he just doesn’t know how to react. Which like others have said when you’re in need of emotional support it’s hard when you don’t receive it from the one you love. I can’t change him. He is what he is and I’m coming to accept that and we’ve admitted what he can’t do between us. I’m working on changing the way I react to his moods so they don’t bring me down when I’m in need of emotional support. I was feeling guilty for having issues after my HA and trying to do things I really couldn’t manage because I believed he thought I should be able to cope as he didn’t give me the support. You can’t change him. You have choices. But try and get him to explain why he’s behaving like he is and not thinking you know why he’s like that before you make any decisions. Good luck.
Dear Lala49
What a shocking way for you to find out that us men are so different to you women and as much as I can fully support your problems I have to also support his.
It is really difficult to get a balanced full story of your lives together from a few words printed on here, but critical illness has an incredible effect on relationships { be that partners/ family or friends } and without sometimes knowing it, us the ill, expect the same treatment from them as we would give should the shoe be on the other foot.
Life never works like this { or rarely } and once that is set in we begin to send out messages to those around us that we may not realise that we are doing, this can make partners withdraw and families not to visit so much and really tells you if that friend is true or not.
So the answer is ? Talk talk talk, doesn’t matter if your partner does not want to hear because what is clear is you have something to say and you must say it.
Write it down in a letter form to him if he won’t listen { writing things down makes them clearer to us as well } try not to pick up on other faults that we all have and concentrate on the problem at hand.
Remember love can change { for better or worse } and if you think that a change is needed that is your personal journey, you are the one that has had a major wake up call, not them, maybe they are feeling that from you as well.
Take care and please keep us informed.
Hi everyone. I just want to say a massive thank you for your words of wisdom. I have read and reread alot of answers and sort of put a plan into place. My husband and I have been drifting over the past few years anyway. More so since our 10th wedding anniversary. I've not been well since Jan 21 but only found out in Jan 22 what the actual problem is. I have so much going on health wise at mo that even I'm struggling. I do think him and I are clashing over alot of stuff. I do have my children that help me but sometimes I'm so stubborn I try to do it myself. Especially when I'm having a good day. Knowing full well I will burn out for a few days after. My 7 year old granddaughter does more for me than anyone put together. She's become my little carer ❤️. She even asked to learn how to use the washing machine yesterday. Bless her little heart. ( she live with me ). I've just finished having all the scans and tests last week so my next cardiologist appointment isn't till Feb 23 haha but I'm hoping they contact me before then. I will keep some of you updated as asked.
Thank you all again. Its nice knowing I have someone else to talk too. Xx
Hi I wish I had read some of these words of wisdom a few years ago. My world collapsed when I was 58 diagnosed with severe heart failure, arythmogenic cardiomyopathy due to a faulty gene, basically the ticker was done. My partner just carried on as if nothing was wrong if I wasn't well enough to go out he went himself cue to massive fights all the time, I put him out. What we should have done was talk or as someone said write it down he just had no idea how to cope and neither did I, eventually I got help from the hospital which I should have done at the outset and things vastly improved. After a long arduous wait I got my transplant, we are back together but we have our own houses which has worked out better. I wish at the time we could have faced it together but I have accepted now it is just the way he is. I hope you can find a way to work it out together, take care char
IT's his problem not yours. Some people just can't cope with illness and the easiest way to deal with it is to pretend it doesn't exist. I'be had chronic spinal pain for 30 years and have used a wheelchair/scooter for 25 ofhem. My husband still insists there's nothing w rong, I'm exaggerating because he can't see it or even imagine it and he has no idea what to do. When I had a heart attack, he went back to bed as the ambulance took me to hospital. When there's something practical to do he will help all he cn but mentally he's as much use as a chocolate teapot
Some time ago I read a wonderful book called You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen. It gives great explanations of so many of the communication issues between men and women and really revolutionised my relationships. In your case the issue is that men, in general, if confronted with a problem (by someone they are close to) they want to solve it. If they can't they don't want to talk about it and don't understand women's wanting to do so. So if you tell your husband I feel so ill/scared he may offer to get a cushion or your meds but he is unlikely to say comforting things and just chat to take your mind off as a woman would. I suggest you think up some practical tasks for him to do.
I had that book too Aoki, just been looking for it and annoyed because it seems to have disappeared. I've lost so many books because of letting people borrow them, not going to do that anymore. Even bought one book twice, second one lent out and not returned and it's a book I love. All about evidence of life after death and being born again. It made me not afraid to die. My daughter looks at my full bookcase and asks why I've got them and says don't leave them for me to sort out after you've gone!
Jean
I've lost my copy too but was pleased to see, when I looked on Google to check the title and author that it's still in print . I shall buy another copy now. Did a massive clear out a few years ago and just chucked things out without really thinking about it. Of course the junk has now accumulated again and I don't even have a daughter to sort it when I'm gone! I'm really going to have to steel myself for another clear out so my poor old nephew doesn't have the chore and I don't have to think about him thinking poorold auntie , why on earth did she hang on to that?!
A few years ago I did a massive clear out of books too, was mostly reference books though as we can find all we need on the internet these day. Trouble is I love books and would have more if I had the room.
No What it is if I start a post with a hello and a smiley face then it comes up with the symbols that I used to do a smiley face so I then have to go and edited it
I know sounds confusing I will do you an example by saying hello to you on a different answer if that helps
It is a good job the reply was not because I am illiterate x
Hello
Does this show what I am on about ? x
Yes imagine if it was 
I could be though I suppose
I shall now make that last comment have a smile and not symbols so don't be shocked when you see I have edited it
Hope you are enjoying your evening x
O Sorry I have tried to explain the best I can but it doesn't really matter x
No need to explain.Your unfailingly kindness to others always outshines all 😊
in reply to Milkfairy
Thank You
That is so kind of you I really appreciate it x
I assumed you diligently reread your posts each time and corrected them. 😊
in reply to Milkfairy
Hello
I try not to re read what I have written to be honest
I know I can use the Emojis but I am so used to doing the smiley faces with the symbols instead but if you do when you start an answer or a post then it never did do this but now it shows the symbols , so you have to go back in drop your hello down one and then press reply again and you have your smiley face
I never knew or thought anyone would notice
I may have to start using the Emojis or try and get used to them
I hope you are keeping well x
bridgeit in reply to
I think you are spot on BeKind. Just carry on doing your own thing in your own way. I'm sure the vast majority of appreciative readers value the content of your posts, however you choose to decorate and/or edit them! Please don't be distracted or put off by those very few whose interest in others' posts appears chiefly petty and pedantic. Such as they miss the value and essential point of these forums; you, on the other hand, do not.
in reply to bridgeit
Hello
I never even thought anyone would notice
Thank you for your nice comments
I hope you are keeping well x
I don't know the answer to this (sorry) I wish I did. We all deal with stress differently but I totally understand how you are feeling.
Have you asked your partner outright what the problem is or told them how their behaviour is making you feel?
If it is hard to speak to them I also think writing a letter may help, sometimes it can be easier than actually speaking face to face.
I hope you can sort this out rather than write off the relationship altogether (if that is what you want)
I get that it is hard enough dealing with your own feelings as well as having to deal with someone else's.
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