Telling people

[Myaphrodisiac]

I’m upset and know people here will understand. Since I came home from hospital last week I’ve found out that my husband has been telling lots of people about my heart attack and treatment. This is despite me saying that I only wanted to tell a few specific people. I can’t afford to get too angry so thought I’d put it here. He is absolutely unrepentant about it, and said he did it because it affected him. Going to do something to calm down now! I’m a very private person.

[bantam12]

It's a very difficult situation for partners as well as the patient and it sounds like his way of coping is to talk to people.

I'm the wife of someone with extremely complex health problems so I know only to well how hard it is and my lifeline is friends and neighbours who I can talk to.

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to bantam12]

Thank you. I do understand that it is very difficult for carers as well. It’s more his indiscriminate tell more or less anyone anything that was upsetting. It is perfectly reasonable to confide in friends. Not only reasonable but lovely for support for you and other carers

[bantam12 in reply to Myaphrodisiac]

Arent we all doing the same on the forum, talking to complete strangers about all our problems 😉 it's a way of coping for many people 😊

Take care and stay well x

[Fortepiano]

I think this is often the difference in reactions of patient and spouse. When my husband was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy he told hardly anyone - he wanted to be treated just the same as usual. I'm a very private person, but I buttonholed everybody, and wanted to tell the world. He said he was surprised I didn't hire a skywriter!

Conversely, when later I was in hospital with cardiac problems I discovered afterwards that he had emailed bulletins on my condition to what seemed like his entire contact list, quite a few of whom I'd never met!

People cope in different ways. I understand your frustration and annoyance, but don't be too hard on him.

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to Fortepiano]

Don’t worry, I won’t! Thank you x

[benjijen]

I live alone so I don't have that problem and only tell those I want to know. It would infuriate me if someone decided it helped THEM to tell others about MY situation. This is about you and your choice should be respected.

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to benjijen]

Hi there, YES! That is exactly the point I was trying to make! Thank you. It’s about being appropriate with MY information. I didn’t want someone I barely knew at asking me about my illness in the supermarket. I do want everyone to have support if they need it though. Thank you 😊

[Lezneed2ruth]

Its bizarre how illnesses and life changing diagnoses bring your emotions blood raw, I lost my dad 3 weeks ago, still have the "Day" to cope and function through. Even though I was with them every appointment& every consult. I sat quietly on the outside after all I'm only their daughter, my parents support, whatever means to sound of, rage to, rant onto how mum is fussy or your dad thinks I'm nagging him... And as I say its bizarre how willing and ready to talk to random people and people who are known to you. My mum sometimes chat with strangers about their plans for the day, ie radiotherapy at blah blah and yes he had a lump, then de. de. Da. Da blah de blah.... And so on when I got onto thinking to myself mother you started talking before dad's name called, I know he only in the thing 10 minutes and off home we pop. My mum still chatting away and my dad is like love you ready? And "I'm o hi dad, your Hulk session done for today? Nonchalant attempt grab attention of my mum... But thinking back now its must be a 100%nervous reaction like a fight or flight thing... I'm not taking hubbys side 😉 😉.. No seriously don't let any of your Illness create a divide, if your the same type of people as myself to use calm assertive points especially when it is after the fact. point of mentally visualize myself as Elmer fudd stomping, in these conversations! Anyway my point is you have a right to feel p####d! Right now you don't want to be topic of random conversation, even though YOUR NOT. It's a feeling and emotion's run like the wind on feelings.... Please don't take me as patronizing. Take this as he will shut up about you. He will see his errors, not saying he will admit this to you? You know best. But put it in a letter, saves your voice and angry reaction being suppressed. Start with &State clear as well " I will know if you have read my letter. "

As a grown adult never have my parents loudly verbally argued. NEVER. But I witnessed this first time few weeks ago. And that's when I stepped up , stepped in. I do hope you have some sort of sidelines support.... If not quietly ask about counseling support group maybe hubby find comfort and you too find ease with him chatting with same similar situation dealing with struggling. I know my dad is the type to extend the patient confidentiality code to his wife. By the way...

I hope this gives you some good, even if its a little giggle at my examples of "when did the Mrs start verbal vomiting, with stranger's, she usually only talks when she wants white's for wash "

Take care always x

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to Lezneed2ruth]

Thank you for this 😊

[Montecello]

I completely sympathise with you on this, my husband did the same, - I was approached by people in our street asking how I was, even people I have nothing to do with except for the odd greeting, and I really didn’t like it, it felt like an invasion of my privacy rather than them ‘caring’. Furthermore I know that some of them would be passing on ‘the news’ to others!

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to Montecello]

Thank you, you’ve got it! That’s how I feel. 😊

[Lezneed2ruth in reply to Montecello]

Spot on, I seen this myself with my parents and now I have people with o sorry to hear about your dad..... U feel like shouting fluff off randomer.....here are here one for yous 40 +years same road, jolly morning wave from my dad to neighbor literally opposite my parents. If not for lawns and grass verges each side you'd be able to see peas on their Sunday roast....

My mum says I'll have to let

" snotty witch"{my name f neighbor} thingy over the road know about dad....

So of she toddles and when she came back and says ""SHE WAS confused ON WHO I WAS TALKING ABOUT, I NOT SURE I KNEW HIM I NEVER REALLY...... " this point I am

STOP MUM please the disrespectful snotty witch..... I never liked her even as a child the freak. Never knew... She best have waved back to my dad... Since he took the time to hi her... Thus just set me off I was like what ever you donkey rider (they have horses) 😬 wicked mouth I have I know get it from my dads mother... 🤔 traits I don't mind. 😬.. Ppf! Right out your 1986 net curtain nose out like Ye donkey feed bag.... Watching us take him to appointments I seen YOU..... Ye so anyhow I had that rant... Saves me kung fu her in the throat stop her chatting bubbles ... This is the one few person my mum never spoke to. Ever. But because dad gave a wave...... So people and their pity party or their nosey as s es.....

Walk on by..... Dur dur dede du take care people x

[Andyman]

My heart attack appeared in the local football teams program sold to thousands. It was fine I got space and an enormous amount if support from it. It helped me. And I am a private person too. The whole family need support too. But if you have requested that he stop then he should stop.

[Qualipop]

He's obviously worried sick and needs someone to talk to and maybe feels he can't or doesn't want to talk to you in case he worries you

[not2worry]

Our friends always seemed to travel in "packs". Four to six couples going on Holiday and renting two cars to transport all of us around. One of our closest friends always volunteered to be one of the drivers. Unbeknownst to us he had a heart attack and a number of TAs. He nor his wife ever told anyone.

On Holiday he continued to be the driver and had a TA - blacked out completely while driving. Fortunately no one was injured. His wife then told us all that he always had a TA in the afternoon!

It seemed his "privacy" was worth more than the lives of others or himself.

It was a terrible burden for his wife to carry the knowledge alone and endanger himself and other \s with the "secret".

At my point in life there are bigger issues at hand than someone knowing about my health issues. Knowledge is wisdom - someone could save a life if they know what your risks are before hand.

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to not2worry]

This is way above what I meant not2worry, and I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It’s not at all about not being absolutely truthful about my condition, it is about indiscriminate sharing where really not necessary. 😊

[IamMe2]

My husband also told every Tom, Dick and Harry about my by-pass. Even those I had specifically TOLD him not to,( as in his addicted - to-worry mother to save her yet more anguish) as opposed to merely asking him not to.

Yes, to some extent this was his way of coping, but moreover it was a b****y good way of getting out of doing stuff he didn't want to do.

Oh, well, Being angry is a whole lot more constructive than rolling around feeling sorry for one's self.

Hope you make a speedy recovery and find it in your newly restored heart to forgive Mr Blabbermouth his transgressions.

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to IamMe2]

Thank you 😊 blabbermouth will be forgiven!

[Hidden in reply to Myaphrodisiac]

Im laughing at your humor!! I have to ask, how did you pick Myaphrodisiac as a name?

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to Hidden]

Oh thank you Hoski 😊 I tried lots of names and they were all taken! I was running out of ideas and then remembered that someone special once said I was his aphrodisiac! 😘😜 The thought of that cheered me up at this difficult time, so here we are! 😂😊.

[Hidden in reply to Myaphrodisiac]

perfect! What a grand title 🌟

[IamMe2 in reply to Myaphrodisiac]

Good. Prehaps he will learn the art of discretion yet. 🤐

[Glasgowgirl1947]

I was discharged from The Cardiac Centre at Blackpool Hospital last Friday after a much-prolonged stay after a problem when I was in the anaesthetic room prior to my operation on 27th Feb. After a night in ICU I was transferred down to a ward to receive treatment for the problem. I didn't get my heart op until the following Thursday 7th March. I found on the ward that we all talked about everything, I bet I knew more about my fellow patients than their families did. I see why your husband wanted to share your health problems, he would be worried, lonely, probably terrified he was going to lose you and he just wanted to share his experience even if it was with a stranger. My poor husband was staying in a hotel close to the hospital and because he's a very quiet man he didn't really have anyone to share with but I know I would have were the boot on the other foot! He has Parkinson's which was my reason for not wanting him to travel to visit me. Forgive your husband, let your anger go and get well, I'm positive he meant well and just needed emotional support wherever he could find it.

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to Glasgowgirl1947]

Thank you x I hope you recover well too

[Hidden]

Try to cut him a little slack. A heart attack( or any scary health issue) is hard for the person going thru it but equally hard for the loved one(s). You probably scared him half to death and he needs the support of others as he probably doesnt want to burden you with his fears. As a retired home care nurse and a heart patient, I see both sides. You deserve your privacy but he needs to let his emotions out too💜 So give him a big kiss and thank him for being there.

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to Hidden]

Already have! x

[Hidden in reply to Myaphrodisiac]

💋💋💋

[Helen_BHF]

Sorry to hear that Myaphrodisiac

The community is always here if you need to vent!

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to Helen_BHF]

Thank you 😊

[isobelhannah18]

I agree with you that he should have respected your wishes even though it is a positive thing that he obviously cares deeply about you and is very worried. Lots of spouses and family members come on this website for anonymous support which is what he could have done. I felt ashamed and embarrassed by my H.A. and I know other people on this forum feel the same but it is a strange reaction as a lot of us lead a healthy active lifestyle and it isn't our fault.

[Myaphrodisiac]

Thank you 😊. Health and ill health are a lottery, which we have to deal with, unfortunately.

After everyone’s kindness and support on here, I’m feeling better about things now

[laura_dropstitch Heart Star]

Ohhhh... I'm squirming for you. I've had the same issues. When I got my pacemaker I didn't want anyone beyond my closest circle to know but found out my mother-in-law had been telling husband's old school friends (who barely knew me) all about my "wee pacemaker" when she bumped into them in the supermarket. I can't think of many times that I've been more furious. In an ideal world we'd tell only who we wanted when we wanted (and now that I'm more accepting of my situation I don't care who knows) but our health does affect our nearest and dearest too and they do need to offload/share. Hope you and your husband manage to meet in the middle somewhere. I'm sure you will feel less determinedly private over time and hopefully he'll understand your feelings enough to minimise the circle he shares with. It's horrible to feel uncomfortable in your own body like that - you feel you've lost enough control of your life through ill health without losing control of information about it too. I hope that feeling eases over time for you, as it has for me. And try not to be too hard on your husband...even though he's in the wrong! Ha! Lots of love X

[Myaphrodisiac in reply to laura_dropstitch]

Thank you! We’re okay now. All the best to you x