No judgement....please

[J1986]

My son is 8, ASD diagnosed. Long story short, he is physically and emotionally abusive to me, his mother, no one else. For 3 years he has destroyed my home and all my belongings, he does this only to me, only in my home. I have tried to much to connect to him, support him, get him support, help him make friends, raise his self esteem, improve our relationship. After 3 years of hell, losing my partner, my life, kydanoty and my smile, as well as everything I own and living in fear of his moods and the expense I endure due to everything being ruined, I am ashamed to say I am struggling to have any kind of connection and feeling for him. It eats me up every day and I feel empty, alone and like I'm a monster. I feel like I've lost my son and my self. I want to feel for him again but, I can't....

[Mybestfriends]

He needs help to regulate/Emotions, he is So close to you, Safe person, place, he's trying to communicate his upset, sounds as if he may have some Nonverbal, Muteness, my Son does. I would of been in your position if I was a Single parent, but luckily our Son cannot physically abuse us, I call Ambulance when he can't control for few hours. Most of the time it's hour or two or three. But when he's preoccupied all day & then evening too, I draw the line & call help, not Police, but if I Really had to, then I would. They cannot control themselves in Burnout, Meltdowns, over Sensory, or not enough activity, they need us to help keep their Bottle from Filling up too the point of Overwhelm. Your probably needing Support, do you have Care Coordinator, OT. Does School Senco Support your Son. Your doing your best Mumma, reach out to Gp, Services tell them your struggling.

[J1986 in reply to Mybestfriends]

My son is verbal, and often expressed how much he hates me but adores his dad, the person who let's him down and does bugger all for him! So he is fully aware of his actions, his thing right now is to go to my room when I'm asleep and draw on all of my clothes so next day what do I wear for work!? I thought I had removed all pens turns out he's hiding some somewhere!? There has been too many things to listen shower gel in my bed etc etc and I now have locks on every door except his. I can't lock my bedroom door at night ncase he needs me. I have a 2 year old boy who sees all of this and frankly we are both scared of his shouting and raging. I have reached out to everyone, he refuses therapy and any interaction, consequences don't work reward doesnt work. My main worry is how little I feel for him I still care for him and would never let him go without but I'm faking feelings until I make it, it's soul destroying. I don't know how you do it, I'm sorry to moan when you're going trjoigj so much I just feel like I'll never have happiness or a life xx

[Mybestfriends in reply to J1986]

Ah I see, well just from what you've said, I feel he is Angry about his Dad & is taking it out on you. Does his Dad live with you both, or visits etc ? He needs to chat to Son, have more input, in how to regulate himself, & not runaway, maybe Dad's struggling with How to communicate calmly, doesn't know what approach to help, maybe 🤔 Boys do look to their Dad's for friendship, the idolise, even if not our idea of being the Best Dad they could be. 😉 have a Chat to his Dad. Your Son won't be small or 8yrs old forever & Teenage Hormones will be kicking in Soon. Emotions need help,

[Mybestfriends]

Sounds like he is also suffering those Losses, can you ask for him to see Language Therapist, help him express what Words he maybe wanting to say. Usually emotional outbursts, upset, angry, frustrated, worry, etc all these you can right or draw & write on Cards or buy, to help Son express what he's feeling, in a more positive way. Does he hear Voices, my adult Son does & these are what he is shouting & throwing things around, broken things, holes in things. They Bait, bully, say hurtful things, they can even try make them angry at us. My Son is much less Angry now, as we openly talk about (Voices) he calls them by Name (past traumas) & sometimes multiple names come up. I help him Calm, stop SHarm if it looks like he may. I take him out atleast once everyday, he does go out by himself now & then, but Anxiety some days overwhelming.

[NotJim]

I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through, it sounds exhausting. I don’t think you’re a monster for feeling the way you do, I think anyone would be in the same boat, as it takes a big emotional toll.

Perhaps you could contact a family counsellor? Someone you can talk to (even just on your own) about how you’re struggling to cope with the situation.

[Bee-bop]

Hi there J1986,

I can understand your frustration and feeling of having no control in relation to your son. I am also a single parent and it's a tough ride when you are up against it. I also have a friend whose a single parent and son is on the spectrum and also tells her he hates her. It takes a couple of days for him to calm down after he comes back home from his dad's.

What support do you have in place for you and the kids? Do you have parents, other family that can have the children so you can get some space? You need time for you as well. Even if it's half an hour. I know this can be hard to get. It can feel a very lonely place to be. Do you have a carers group in the area? My sister does and loves it (I don't in my area) she looks after her grandson full time who has behavioural issues. She says it is really helpful. Also, do you have a local National Autistic Society Group in your area? They have one here that puts on group activities for the kids.

As NotJim says, family therapy might help and Mybestfriends says, he is taking it out on you as you are the safe person. When he does the behaviours that breaks things and draws on your clothes, how do you react? I ask because it can be hard not to loose it when things like this happen but, he needs the safety and calm as he's in chaos at that time. One time when my daughter had a bad day at school, she came down stairs in a hat. I asked what that was for and finally found out she had chopped off her hair! I panicked but calmly said, ok, lets have a look and was happy that it wasn't as bad as it could be and managed to tidy it up a bit, very short.... It is so unpredictable at times. Like your son, she wrote on things too and my bed still has writing on it.

Here's some ideas. When he's in a good place, explain that you are going to give him a space to write on and he can do what he likes there and to keep off other surfaces. I assume you might have a baby gate due to your toddler? You could put this on your bedroom at night and explain he can still get you if he needs you but, you need to have your clothes to wear. What are his interests? What does he like to watch/play with/ like eating etc. Bargain with him with a star chart. Tell him that if he gets so many stars he can have a treat like watching something etc. Tell him he's doing great when he's not doing behaviours that are challenging and get your control back by saying, you're not going to reward such behaviours.

Get him to work out what he would like if he does well and put it on his chart. If he likes drawing, as he seems to, get him to make the chart.

I hope some of this helps. We're struggling a bit here and it's not easy when stress levels are high, we're trying to look at the positives and taking things gently as we can. When my daughter gets overwhelmed, like many others, she goes into fight, flight or freeze which is a normal response to fear but, goes into overdrive. She runs away from her fears where it seems your son goes into fight and fight with you. My daughter is scared of college right now, I know that as that's what she talks about. Try and find out what he's scared about as that is what he's most likely reacting to.

[Aspen797]

Can you reach out for help? It is hard to reach out when we feel isolated, judged, incompetent, etc, but you are so not alone and you want things to be better for your family. You feel the way you do toward your child because you feel exhausted, depressed, and you are stuck in a behavioral cycle with your son that you can’t break out of alone (one type of cycle is here, though this might not apply of course: pendletonpsych.com/doc/pare.... Who wouldn’t be exhausted and depressed?!

There is hope for change with the right interventions in place. Medication, therapy (behavioral therapy with a positive behavioral intervention focus; speech therapy for social skills including social skills and conflict resolution; occupational therapy for sensory issues and emotional regulation; and parent child interaction therapy-PCIT) along with help from the school and health care provider can help. Check out Tilt Parenting: tiltparenting.com. Both the book, podcast and website are incredibly helpful and supportive.

When our son was small we really struggled. I was lucky to get help from a behaviorist who taught me positive parenting for kids on the spectrum. We began using visual schedules everyday to eliminate uncertainty, a short marble jar to liberally reinforce positive behavior (doing as asked, the most minor things, to change the focus to rewarding good behavior instead of giving attention to bad), planned ignoring (of certain triggering behavior like arguing or trying to make a parent upset) and walking away and getting calm by reviewing the Tilt Parenting website and books by Ross Greene and Jessica Minahan. We were taught to use a lot of natural reinforcement instead of demands (when you get dressed we can enjoy this great breakfast instead of no breakfast till dressed; when your teeth are brushed we can read story, first you finish school work then you can have cookie and milk with each demand being easy to accomplish—like one part of a task). Medication also helped! A partnership with the school also helped. Really key is finding your tribe though and realizing you aren’t alone in your struggles and there is a supportive path out. It just takes time and a lot of work and persistence and, critically, support.