Concerned for my niece..

My niece has asthma, becoming increasingly worse, she has just been hospitalized for the second time in 3 months, and her attacks are getting worse in general. I am very concerned for her, because her mother smokes, in the house, and refuses to give up. She smoked when she was pregnant, both her children have severe asthma, and she refuses to acknowledge any link. I am so angry. Her daughter is in the prime of her life, and her quality of life is diminishing fast. It is reckless, selfish and completely insane, and I feel that there is nothing we can do. My niece has pleaded with her to give up, but her mother just gets defensive and angry and refuses to listen. I don't know why I am saying this on here, but I am worried that her attacks are getting worse and more frequent. She has told her doctor that she lives with a smoker..but all they say is make sure you keep away from it. Not easy when you have smoke billowing around the living room, and can smell it at the top of their road!

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hi m m

you are in a very difficult situation :S

you can try speaking to your sister about your concerns calmly in not so many words i.e. oh my niece has been unwell a lot recently, why do u think that is etc.... so that she does not feel that you are not outrightedly havign a go because of the smoking.

good luck however you decide to go about it

x x

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Might be good for her mum to join AUK and she will have support and information on here

for her as got a board for parents and carers

She can read for her self the triggers and will make a few friends also.

love Glynis xxx

[Annista]

Hi MM. I had exactly the same experience. My sister's youngest daughter was in and out of hospital with asthma from the time she was just a few months old but my sister continued to smoke like a chimney. Not only that, but she used to tell me indignantly how her GP and her daughter's consultant were trying to persuade her to stop smoking or at least smoke outside the house. Even when she developed asthma herself some years later she continued to smoke, sucking on her ventolin and then lighting up a cigarette and any attempt to suggest that she stopped for her own health was met with fury and a long tirade about her right to smoke if that's what she wanted to do.

I wish I could offer you some constructive advice but there are some things you can't win and I think that this might be one of them, and that too many attempts to change the situation could cause a total rift between you. All you can do is offer your neice support and, if you live near enough, a smoke free environment to visit whenever she needs some respite. I do think that it would be a good idea to get both your niece and her mother onto this site, to provide support for your niece and maybe to get her mother to understand the harm she is doing to both of them.

xx

[angievere]

I agree with Annista, there are some battles you can't win. Smoking is an addiction and if your sister couldnt give up when she was pregnant it's unlikely she'll give up now. My father smoked despite my asthma, he would get very nasty if anyone said anything. Some people just have a 'blind spot' where smoking is concerned.

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Thanks for all your replies, you are right, it is a battle that is unlikely to ever be won. It is just so hard to comprehend how someones devotion to tobacco, can transcend concern for their children's wellbeing. Any attempts in the past towards suggestion of giving it up, have been met with nothing but derision and indignant response, and if her own daughters pleas from the sorry confines of her hospital bed can't do, how ever can I!

[Annista]

MM, it's very sad and I know how helpless you feel at the moment. I used to feel the same, and also at times to feel very angry at my sister's selfishness (actually, angry doesn't even BEGIN to describe how I felt!). I couldn't figure out how she could put what she wanted before her child's health. But there is often a reason for someone's behaviour that even they don't understand and over the years I've come to realise why my sister was so totally self centred, and that it wasn't entirely her fault and I very much wish that I had come to this understanding years ago.

I can only say to you what I wish somebody had said to me years ago. Try not to let this affect your relationship or your feelings toward your sister (sister in law?). You can't get it back once it's gone.

xx

[Annista]

MM, I wish I'd had an auntie like you who would stand up for me when I was a kid. I hope you're appreciated.

xx

[Hidden]

MM, I really feel for you, I was the asthmatic child of a heavy smoker, who became a smoker, i have since given it up. However I wonder if your sister is feeling very scared, her angry reaction suggests that there is something she wont face, and that may be that her daughter is ill, and that she may have caused it... then she could be walking along the guilt line, if she is also addicted to smoking, she may be holding on to it, for fear of letting reality in.. who knows, but it is good to know that your niece has someone to turn to .. keep it up, you're a wonderful anutie xx