The New Employee Handbook 😅 that's the way they like it to be....

[MELNEL]

Announcement Memo to All Employees: It has become necessary to issue a newly revised Employee Handbook. Here you will find detailed direction addressing your time away from the job. In addition, instructional material is also provided for your behavior and habits in the work place.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called, "Saturday" and "Sunday."

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

VACATION DAYS

All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st , July 4th & December 25th.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40; and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict, 3-minute time limit inside the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK

A) Skinny People. Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.

B) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.

C) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time they need to drink a Slim Fast® & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes & carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially & therefore do not need a raise.

THANK YOU

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management

[Patsy164]

Very good 😂😂

[MELNEL in reply to Patsy164]

It's a dream for every manager LOL 😂 dream on 😋 glad you liked it 😘

[Magpuss in reply to MELNEL]

😳😧 Hide it! For goodness sake don't let anyone 'in charge' see it.😅😅😅

[Hidden]

Sounds genuine? 🤔😉

[Whitechinchilla]

😂😂😂😂brilliant Thanks

[Shirleyj]

😂😂xx

[Hidden]

I would add, you must present the the death certificate for perusal by the management at least a month before your chosen death date.

Brightened up my morning thank you!

[MELNEL in reply to Hidden]

🤣🤣🤣 that would be the icing on the cake LOL

[wheezyof]

I think my granddaughters previous manager must have read this and followed it. My mother, her great grandma, died. G/daughter wanted to go to the funeral, that was on her day off. So far, so good. However g/daughter lives in South Wales, Great grandma's funeral East Yorkshire. A long drive.

G/daughter asked to change her next day off so she could stay in E. Yorks the night of the funeral and drive back the next day. No. Could she swap that days shift, do the late shift instead of her early shift. No.

The reason given : she's not a close relative.

G/daughter drove from Neath to Bridlington to the crematorium and back on the day and was in work for 6.00 am the next day.

Fortunately she has a different manager now.

[MELNEL in reply to wheezyof]

Hi wheezyof, thanks for telling me your story. Yes I believe I heard that in the past. It's a shame that there are managers that doesn't approve to get a day of for it.

Myself had this kind of experience, years back. But I also have to say that it was not a close relative, but a very close friend of mine and my family. I have needed to fly out to Germany for it. I asked, to hear that I need to take a holiday for it. Of course I took a holiday for it, because I wanted to show my respect to a lovely men I have known for over 40 years.

Tell you what, it was maybe two months later, after I went to Germany. That I went to work and was wondering why the manager was off and have been told that he got a day off "because a close friend of him had passed away. I asked the manager who have took over for him, if he took a holiday? He told me no, because it was a very close friend and got this day off. I was steaming, and confronted him when he came back, how it can be that he got a day off without taking out a holiday and put me in this kind of behaviour. He apologized to me for his actions and have given me my day back I took out. I know that it can be a problem to get a day off special when it was only a friend, but I think that they also would take the same action....if a good friend passed away, you should be able to pay them respect as well for the living. 🌹

[wheezyof in reply to MELNEL]

That's terrible. The worst of it was my g/daughter only asked to swap days/shifts. She wasn't allowed holiday, the holidays were all arranged by the same manager.

I was lucky to work in a school. Our headmaster was very kind. No problem about funerals, close family or not.

[MELNEL in reply to wheezyof]

It is , you right. At some work places you are just a number and it all about money money.... there start looking at you when you like to have a day off or not give permission to take your holidays the time you want. Not a lot business have a good balance of family lives. Shame that is all so much change, not the same anymore.

But well we have to adjust to it, or you have to leave.... thanks for your message. 🤩

Enjoy your evening!!

[Whitechinchilla in reply to wheezyof]

Well done to your grand daughter.

Good to hear she has a new manager. If that had been me I would have been looking for another job.

[undine]

what we all have to look forward to after Brexit when we lose European workers rights - not so funny then ...... just a thought very good thank you xxx

[Tarapup5]

You made my day and it is possible in this new world. My mother was in a home, I visited daily, in my own time, but when I got a telephone call from the home advising me that my mum was near death and I should come to home. I did on that afternoon and stayed till midnight. I phoned my boss next day to say that mum could die at any time his reply was ' your mum seems to have plateaued so happy to see you in the office'. I did go to work but couldn't concentrate. Now week end got a call from home 5am Saturday morning mum died at 7am very sad when people live with blinkers and no compassion a poorer world, it appears to be a number world whereas this is all that is important and I worked for the Civil Service!!

[Hidden]

I work for a council... if you take time off sick, you have to present a fit to work note on your return after six days off- because they count the weekend (which we don’t work) as time off sick I.e you’ve had eight days off sick. Yet other departments in the same council only class that as six days and no note need as you can self cert for seven days... try explains that to your GP!

[MELNEL in reply to Hidden]

Good to know, but it's still terrible, to do that to a person who is really ill. I know a lot from my past employment, called in sick because there have been drunk, shame those one have broken the trust and the system. 🌹

[Hidden in reply to MELNEL]

I can’t get my head around the fact that it’s one rule for one dept, and another for everyone else, or that fact that the law says you can self very for 7 days. But hey it’s fine to go sick for a week and come in for one day then go sick again?!

[MELNEL in reply to Hidden]

Some people do that, most employers don't accept a self note. Had that enough, n my doctor just shaking his head, that a lot has changed that the employer don't approve of it. It hits already those you really have problems with their disability. And those who fake it, getting away all the time.