Cared for two people today with COPD. Both still smoke. One guy is 44, diagnosed 5 years ago. Bad back and he has given up. Smoking away and very negative. Now a blood clot in his leg. The other a woman, coughing, SOB, still smoking. I am a provider of medicine. A Physician Assistant. Back in 2011 I had warning signs, not smoking at the time and acute SOB for almost 8 weeks. Went away one day, and then essentially gone until this year. Who thinks COPD at 39? So I have been extra hard on myself because I should have known better, now of course I am paying a heavy price for my ignorance........for my own health. Going to see someone, and accepting Asthma, vocal cord issues and anxiety. Smoked another 8-9 months between 2011 and 2015. How stupid of me. So I take care of these folks today, look at them and wonder if that is how I will end up, and it depresses me. On top of that fact of my knowledge, which I never applied to myself, never cared for me! Makes me want to SCREAM!
I did not want to say what I did for a living. I find it embarrassing that I am in this position. Ashamed. I came on here to hear how people live with this chronic condition. You can only glean so much from research papers. That is not something a Pulm or whomever you see can tell you, unless they have it. Make sense? Through all of this I have been amazed by the lack of understanding about COPD. I knew very little and talking with my PCP, Pulm, they seem to think since I am not 80 and walking around with 02 I am ok. Hell when I had my "attack" in 2011, I thought lung cancer, never COPD. My moods really wax and wane, I find mornings and the middle of the night tough, like "how will I make it through the day"? Or think about my future, don't sleep so well now, and grieve over my previous life, marriage, and how shit I feel. Yes I can still do many things, and feel fortunate. I realize I am not the first, nor the last person to feel this way. I used to get a "high" from exercise, and I still do, but of course each day now more a struggle. I try to find more value in work, but only gets me so far. When my wife and I divorced, I thought Ill go back to doing what I always did, but that has been curtailed and now looking for more life "meaning". Having a hard time finding it.
Anyway, yes, I provide care. Yes, I smoked, yes I ignored symptoms. Crazy, eh? Struggling with that. Think it makes me feel worse. That burden. My ignorance for my own well being. Of course this clerk next to me smokes, good 10 years older. If she only knew!
PA's are coming to the NHS. I almost applied but I have a job with the federal government and good insurance. But maybe next time they come looking ill reconsider. Always wanted to check out England.
Be well everyone.
Patrick
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patrickd72
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Big dilemma. A large proportion of the patients here will identify with you. All of the ex-smokers regret their smoking history. When I see people smoking I have to stop myself from going up to them and telling them to stop.
BUT.... Who am I to judge? I saw a woman with cystic fibrosis smoking outside the hospital and followed her in to the ward. I had negative thoughts then, "Whoaa... I have no idea what she has to put up, maybe her life is shit (sorry about the language), maybe her boyfriend has left her because he can't 'hack it'. Maybe she has been told that she is fit enough to work and her benefits have been cut, maybe she just knows she is going to die a horrible, distressing death within the next year, and sees no point in not enjoying the next smoke."
What is important for everyone is to say "This is where I am. The past is history. The future is a mystery. All I have is the here and now, a gift. Which is why it is called the present." And to work out how we can make a difference to ourselves and to others. And to stop beating ourselves up about things that cannot be changed.
love
Kate xxx
Your been a bit to hard on yourself today Patrick.
Read back on your post in a few hours time and maybe you can cross some out.
What sort of things you find cheer you up?? There's got to be something!!
What ever it is...go and do it...or go and get some...looking after yourself properly is impossible if you stay in the world of the depressed.
I've just come back from the garden market with plants for the house that I read on the forum are good for removing toxics from the air we breath if it stops raining I will go back as I seen one or two more that I would like.
What am trying to say is do things that we improve your life...or you could well be one of them you help care for.
Well I have, in some ways. Like being as physically healthy as I can. The mental part has been tough and yes, I am and have been hard on myself. I know I cannot wallow in self pity much longer. Does not help that I fee like I just have been getting worse, like there has not been any stabilization of how I feel. So that has been frustrating. My lungs feel "sore", started yesterday, so I used my Dulera and Spiriva. Hope it helps. I am not getting sick though. I appreciate your thoughts.
Oh Patrick don't beat yourself up, I think I can rightly say we have all been there, the anger, frustration, why me, poor old me, and want the life we once had. But this is where we are, and life is still good and precious. Concentrate on what you can do, don't look back, you are not going that way. Enjoy every moment and you will have a happy fulfilling life, even with Copd! Take care my friend xx
I know. I should not, but I do. The acceptance has been tough. I coped well for awhile but since I felt worse I have not had much stabilization and it frustrates me. On top of how I feel mentally.
I always think what happened in the past...stays in the past....and no matter how hard you beat yourself up...you cannot alter it.
You know what you have , so now is the time to think of your future...start living a healthy lifestyle...carry on getting out to exercise..., getting some of those endorphins racing round your body.....take up a new hobby or join a group, to meet new people.
Stop comparing yourself to your patients.
And you are not the only health care professional to succumb to cigarettes... Or alcohol... Or Drugs....
We are all sensible people on here, and many of us smoked...we regret it now, but we don't let our regrets ruin our life.
You do sound very depressed...perhaps you should have a word with your Doctor and tell him how you are feeling, they may be able to help.
...me?...I have copd, smoked for 50 years. Sleep pattern is haywire but I exercise most evenings for half an hour, walk with my dog, look forward to every day because it is a bonus. Find things to do that you can do and enjoy. Never look back - you are on a new adventure now and it's up to you to gently push your boundaries.
Having said that - I blame Sir Francis Drake - I now dispossess him of his knighthood However - he DID bring us potatoes and I love my chips.
Yes, plenty of people smoke in healthcare. The why me is beating me up. Not too mention my ignorance of how I felt and not protecting myself, lifestyle. I can't wallow in self pity much longer as it is eating me up. I am reluctant to take meds for depression, but we will see if how I feel keeps up.
I have found "new me" challenges and brought my keyboard skills up to playing the organ for church services. I may not be the "old me" any more, able to walk the fells and moors for hours as I did when younger. But I do still set myself achievable challenges, like setting up and running my Breathe Better Sing Together group, and continue to be a useful member of society.
Yes, I did smoke moderately for 16 years, but a lot of my lung damage was caused by a partner's heavy smoking, and he died of heart failure caused by COPD. I can't blame him as we were both just doing what we thought was right in the circumstances we found ourselves. Tobacco is very addictive - he gave up smoking with me in 1985 but was unable to stay stopped.
Try not to blame yourself as much as you are doing. I am a never smoker, diagnosed at 16, and the Dr still makes me feel this disease is my fault. So, I wonder if maybe the black dog of depression is knocking at your door, quite a common problem for us funny breathers. I hope you soon feel a bit better
Hi Patrick, my first words don't give up on giving up. It took me several tries. You sound very down, a visit to England might be good. My Great grandson was born in USA but is back here now. I have COPD and am going through a flare up the worst since diagnosis in 2009 on crash course steroids. But still enjoying life. I find the company of none smokers is best when trying to give up. I do voluntary work for two groups of older persons and you would be surprised how many used to smoke and generally have smoking related problems. I was suspected of having lung cancer when first tested and COPD revealed, so understand your concerns. Sadly cancer can still occur smoker or not. I had a skin cancer in my thirties but no recurrence since, I don't dwell on it ie health, life is too short make the best of what you have and enjoy. It is your life to choose, and we all make mistakes in our lives try to make the best decision for you. I have been a none smoker since 2005, best wishes with giving up and do consider coming to England if that is what you feel is right for you. Good luck x
Thanks. I quit in Jan when this all began. Have not even had the urge. Back in 2011 I had quit, and started again. When this first began I thought lung cancer, never COPD. Anyway, nothing I can do about the past now.
Interesting reading but don't be to hard on yourself .we have all been there done that situation .keep up the good work x
Hi Patrick
Do it.....apply for a job over here. No need to worry about health insurance if you get a work visa. (I suppose the only problem would be if you wanted to go home again) The NHS are crying out for people and they are looking abroad. Don't let the COPD get you down; have some goals! There's still loads of adventures with your name on them.
P.S. I am massively, massively glad we live in a society that does NOT judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves. Our beloved NHS goes on forking out millions and millions of pounds without once asking us to contribute or blaming us for our condition. NHS is paying huge sums for a friend, frequent exacerbations, endo-bronchial valves, repair of said valves, possible LVR surgery if not successful, (Valves £5000 each, she has three) costs of theatres, HDU.... And I am so glad for her. We live in a compassionate and caring society.
Yes, of course we do, but what we contribute does not govern what we get. My ideal society is one in which the healthy look after the sick, the young look after the elderly. Most people want to be fit and healthy and to work, and are just thankful that their contributions go to help those less fortunate.
K x
• in reply to
I read in one of your news papers maybe as far back 15 years ago. .that the tax collected from cigarette sale totalled 8 billion pounds..
And the total cost to the NHS from smoking related conditions was 2 billion pounds...
I have no idea what the difference might be now ...
Any ideas anyone? ?
Andyxx.
• in reply to
Obesity has just overtaken the cost of smoking related illness
Time to getrid of that burden you are carrying around on your back. You need to start liking yourself and think more of you achievements, not everyone can do the job you do. So sorry your condition started so young and your marriage broke up. Hope you find some happiness in the future . Take care, Joyce
Patrick, pretend someone else has written your post, then read it with an eye towards what you might do to help that person sort out their thoughts and priorities.
Would you say the person is being too hard on themselves ?
Would you say the person is wasting precious time and energy, wallowing in guilt and regret ? Guilt is the most destructive emotion and powerful wrecker of mental and physical health.
What has feeling all this guilt and regret achieved for the poster of the piece ? Has it helped them or has it made everything worse ?
Now turning to the poster's many positives ( which still manage to shine out despite being so ignored by their owner). How could that person use their intelligence, knowledge of lung problems and physical fitness enough to combat a slow-burning illness ?
How could that person step away from the self-indulgent ( and yes, it is self-indulgent) recrimination and start to repair their life ?
Maybe the poster needs professional counselling to work through all this, maybe he can do it on his own. But he needs to break out of the negative thought cycle he lives in.
Just think, if this poster invested even a quarter of the negative energy into positive steps toward his future, how much he could accomplish ? The poster should stop worrying about how he will be with this disease at a later stage. He could be run over by a bus tomorrow as could any of us and what point the agonising then ?
Please look again at the post and see how the poster needs kindness and gentleness not recriminations. Help him move forward to the present and stay there. Remind him that he is only human and can only do his best. He is not Superman and like all of us be makes mistakes occasionally. In other words Patrick, give him a break !
We all beat ourselves up about our past mistakes Patrick and get depressed
about them, but somehow as human beings we do manage to go on and count our blessings and try to take one step at a time to help ourselves.
Take care and good luck.
Stop beating yourself so much on smoking. Not everyone who smoked gets COPD. And people who never smoked get it we are just the unlucky ones stop dwelling on the past look to the future and there are a lot of medical staff that smoke xx
Patrick, absolutely 100% know exactly how you feel - I'm the same, 46 bad back for 20 years, smoked since 12 years old, (still can't give up) blood pressure, cholesterol tablets, AND ignoring all of it. I have a 8 year old, and STILL can't seem to change to look after myself for the better future for my child? Can't sleep, no family to support me, so belive me you're not alone in feeling like you are! x
I relate to all the things you've mentioned,it is a Battle of living or not.....I've adopted an attitude of as long as I'm breathing life is the most wonderful treasure and worth more than all the gold in the universe. So I take one day at a time,and try to leave all the blame and unhappy feelings behind me ,enjoy what there is to enjoy.x
A brilliant attitude to have, I try to live like you...it's the best way to cope with illness.
Velvet xx
Hi patrick I completely relate to your story and it could be me who has written it. We all think it only happens to others and not ourselves, then we find out it can and does. I am 61 now and even though my lung function is in the mid 70's it is getting increasingly harder to cope. That is along with other minor health problems I picked up along the way.
My mum once said to me it broke her heart to see her strongest healthiest child destroy her health through smoking. She was right. I have always been very robust and healthy all my life and it hurts to know it was my actions which caused my copd.
But you can't change the past so have to learn to live with it. You can only change your future as best you can. I hope you can do this. Hugs x
Patrick I gather from your post, you are not smoking at the moment and haven't smoked a great deal between 2011- 2015. You do realise, there are many other things that contribute to COPD? Diesel fumes, pollution, aircraft emissions, exsposure to asbestos, dust, (such as being near a building site)
It is absolutely pointless looking back on the past because there is nothing on earth you can do to change it. Like the others, I think you are showing clear signs of depression. My advice to you would be to see a doctor about it. I suffer with depression myself, to be precise, in my case, Bi-polar Disorder.
Regarding the job in England, yes we do need professionals in the NHS. You may find the salary less than you get now. I would advise you to go somewhere with reasonably priced accommodation. London prices are sky high. If you have anywhere in mind, it would be worth checking with us, as there may be people who know the area on this site. There are some lovely places here.
Yes, I hardly smoked those years, but there were signs and in Jan I got hit hard. I never had the gradual start if that makes sense. No I don't smoke and the cigs were easy to let go of, once this began. Not sure how folks can still smoke with SOB. Like my patient yesterday. He reeked of smoke and god only knows what his lung function was .
Ill add that the salary was a bit lower, well quite a bit. Of course paid in pounds, I think like 55,000 USD a year. I would avoid London, other than to check it out. Too much pollution I hear and pricey as you mention.
I worked for the NHS all my life I was diagnosed with COPD at the age of 42 sadly we don't practise what we preach don't beat yourself up, now is the time to live healthy and as you know exercise is the most important.
Depression goes with the territory. Get a script for something to help.You will have ups and downs.Every one of us has a different case, we all deal in different ways, and COPD progresses differently in everyone.I was luck, I went to the doc for breathing problems and they found my lung cancer at the same time, if it hadn't been for COPD I might not have discovered it as soon.Clear now over 5 years, and dealing with my breathing, but consider myself lucky. Empazema sucks( I can't spell it)but I go day by day, and sleep under oxygen at night, and do what I can.I love to shop with my daughter, she drives, and I get my grandaughter to help me some too.It could be worse.
Hi there Patrick , like you I worked in the care sector for around 20 years in my case and smoked, I have done the same as you by berating myself and for being so hypercritical. The trouble is we always think that it won't happen to me but unfortunately it does and so we have to live with the consequences. At the moment I'm having terrible anxiety attacks these are affecting my life to the point of not wanting to leave my house but I still try. I have a good team around me and a brilliant family. I have seen my GP today on a routine checkup and have explained how I am feeling with regard to leaving my home and he has prescribed some tablets for me to take 1 hour before I go out. Going out is so important if we don't it feels to me like I am in Gods waiting room and quite honestly I'm not ready to die just yet. Don't look back Patrick my meaning of COPD is (Can Only Plan Daily) which is how I have to work, if I feel good then that's great but if I'm feeling rubbish then I take things easy. I know it's difficult to stay possitive but we have to, please please please keep in touch you will get lots of support on here, the one thing we all do is care for each other.
What tablets did you get if you don't mind me asking? I was prescribed Amitriptyline which also helped with sleep but came with disturbing dreams so I don't take them any longer. I don't really mind going out although it's the cold and the hard work of it that puts me off.
Hi John I have had different antidepressants the first one was citalopram which made me itch the second one was serterilin which did nothing for me the mirtazapine made me sleep all the time so I have been given fluoxetine which I have started today, I really do hope these help me, anyway good luck with whatever your given.
Try to be +, and I know I have a lot of work to do in that department. Been a tough year for sure. Divorce is one thing, but to be coming down with this through all of it is tough. I recall when I first became SOB, my wife and I were having issues. She said, "what if one of us get's sick"? Like the strain on our marriage. Oh the irony. Like both her and my Pulm, nothing is wrong. I spent too much time away from home, and hence my marriage, and then did not develop relationships with anyone, save for a couple of people. Have always been a bit of a lone wolf, and I was ok with that. But now that has changed, along with many other things. My therapist says Ill just have to find value in other things, new hobbies. I struggle with that, and not having someone to lean on. Having focused so much on how I feel, other facets of my life have suffered. Anyway, I have other issues, not necessarily health related, or mentally. Just have to rechart my life and have to figure that out. I always could count on physical strength and that is not......gone, but impaired. Just rambling now. Thanks for the comments. Means a lot.
We are all rooting for you Patrick. Remember that when you are feeling down, you can always go up. Depression is like a horrid dark cloud wafting around you, soon the cloud will clear, as you look for new pathways. It is amazing how adaptable human beings can be.
I am new to this site and did not know anything about stage 1234 or anything else if you read my post, both had it yet my mother and father in law both died and I carried on smoking
I Sent a reply to another member of the community and you can read both.
We all blame ourselves because we cant blame anybody else so some members of the community feel like you and some members just get on with their lives
But remember this, not only do smokers get copd non smokers get it as well (see my reply) but the simple fact is that anybody who has smoked cannot get any sort of transplant but anybody who hasn't can
this is because it saves money for the Government the Hospitals ect but they have a reason for everybody IE it suits the general public because they think us smokers deserve all we get and the ones who copd got it off us smokers
All I will say is do a little research into the causes of Copd and you will find that the number of people who have never smoked has gone up and the number of chilre who have COPD has gone up.
Why? hint is think about what vw in America got caught doing and take that further and you may not feel any better but you may be able to blame somebody
But if that is what you want you will find it will just eat away at you
Hi im a 70yr old retired auxiliary nurse, i have smoked since the age of 16 i have never tried to stop up to being diognosed with c.o.p.d in jan 2014. I have tried the nicotine replacements and got nowhere so they put me on tablets. I was ok on small dose but it increased and i had awful side affects.
They gave me a salbutamol inhaler that I was on for 3 months. Said i was using too much and gave me one to take twice a day.
I am also still smoking. I don't have a great deal of problems apart from feeling slightly out of breath when climbing stairs or hills.
I was diagnosed after having had a really bad chest infection, and tend to get one every nov. Still i can't live forever and don't want to. But I live life from day to day.
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However - he DID bring us potatoes and I love my chips. 
Not COPD 
Hollyj
I have Emphysema ,and I am new on here, i need Help ,my english is not to good , I come from Germany 
Scared stiff by Dr today
Trivial Emphysema 
