Feelings about Hospitals: Negative

[gantsdacier]

Hi,

I was on this forum a while back but I have lost my details so I'm back haha

Basically, I have nothing against my nearest hospital. I'd sing their praises any day, honestly they are fantastic and have so many great attributes. Almost everyone I've met has been fantastic, the food is pretty good, I have an issue with some textures and they have always been 100% accommodating etc. etc..

But I've been in a lot with life-threatening asthma attacks. It's terrifying as many of you will know. When you can't speak and you can't breathe and your life is in the hands of other people it's honestly so f*cking awful. And how quickly you can go from fine to "oh wow I could literally die"..then how quickly you go from being wheeled into resus and hooked up to things to 7 or 8 or so hours later when you're stabilised, you can talk ok, you can breathe, and you're looking to be transferred out of resus. It's crazy.

I'm usually in for 6-14 days, as the crash is very quick but the recovery is always very slow and rocky with me. So is a fair amount of time to be in *just* for an asthma attack given most people are in for a few days. At my hospital I always get my own room, and then at visiting times one or both of my parents will come with ready meals and wheel me down to the 24/7 room off the side of the restaurant which has a microwave and is always subdued lighting and pretty deserted. We heat the food up and play some games for a couple of hours. Then they wheel me back and leave me alone in my room for the night.

And my God is the night depressing.

But anyway the thing is, every time I come for normal stuff like outpatient appointments I just feel really really tearful and stuff. It's stupid I know but that's how it is. I came today and I'm sat there writing this now today and it feels like I'm here to stay and it's so depressing. I have to take deep breaths and swallow because there's a lump in my throat threatening to make my lip quiver and the tears spill. It's fine if I talk to someone so thankfully there's no risk of randomly bursting into tears in front of a consultant or blood nurse lol but still :/

Idk does anyone else get this?

-- Matt

[Hidden]

Maybe you need to burst into tears in front of you doctor, you sound depressed to me ?

[gantsdacier in reply to Hidden]

I am actually very depressed anyway haha but I'm not usually teary with it..this is totally nuts, I literally just came for some bloods today and an echo yesterday there's no reason to be upset :/

[EmmaF91 Community Ambassador]

It sounds like you have a really rough time with it and that your brain has associated what you're feeling when you are rushed to A&E to any hospital trip. Assuming you have a tertiary hospital (it sounds like you probably do!) do you feel the same when you go there? Regardless it may be worth looking in to getting some help if it's happening regardless of the issue and how you think you 'should' be feeling.

Luckily I seem to be the opposite - completely calm when in A&E/wards but melt down when I get released - it's your body's way of dealing with the fact you 'almost died'. I have cried on my hospital asthma nurse multiple times (usually when I've tried to hold it all in) and they are always understanding and have offered to refer me to counselling to see if it help if I ever want/need to try it.

Hope that helps. Remember you are not alone!

[gantsdacier in reply to EmmaF91]

I am actually in the process of seeing the mental health team for depression from various factors, including anxiety with the asthma so I will definitely mention this to them

Tertiary hospital as in another hospital I go to? I have a few haha: I go to the Walton Centre and that's mostly fine, although I went for an MRI some months back and being on a ward in my pyjamas was difficult; Burnley is a bit similar to here but not nearly as bad; when I go to other hospitals for various reasons or to visit people or whatever it's usually fine but then I'm usually with people. But Blackburn is the one I've been in for all my asthma hospitalisations, three operations, and an overnight stay for dangerously-low cortisol. The latter was a toughie because I was called in urgently and my dad drove me up, I thought I was just going to see the endo and get some meds and go home but I got really upset and clingy and all "it feels like you're leaving me here" to my dad. Which it turned out he was because I had to stay in the night whoops. I also have most of my outpatient things done there, and that's my first choice of A&E/urgent care for hockey injuries. So I'm there a lot and I've missed out on a lot in there especially with two big hospitalisations not long before Christmas this year and last so I guess that's why it's worse than other places. I also find the smell there is very distinctive so that's maybe why other hospitals don't trigger these feelings so much?

I get that too actually. The nights are really bad but during the day I'm fine and upbeat although tired and breathless lol. But when I'm discharged I get depressed all over again and I feel really untethered and insecure? If that makes sense.

I have set songs I usually listen to when I'm in A&E for a major thing, or in resus or just out. I avoid those when I go to the hospital for regular appointments or blood tests or anything less serious

[Sarahjane123]

Hi hope your feeling better I was rushed in November with life threatening asthma myself didn't know I had asthma also had pneumonia and septis was in icu for a week put to sleep am the same now any hospital ur doctors appointment I just break down am suffering with ptsd now aswell just want to me myself again I will get there and so will u good luck with everything and if u ever need a chat am here x

[gantsdacier in reply to Sarahjane123]

Aw I'm sorry about all of that, I've never been in ICU yet although was literally about to be transferred one time before the magnesium kicked in. F*ck even typing that is hard.

I'm ok with doc appointments at the GP surgery and it's a varied response with other hospitals but my main hospital is a toughie

[Lindahj203]

Shame, feel for you, never been hospitalised from my asthma, although I thought I was going to be last Sunday, lots of people awake on this particular night to talk to you. God bless.

[gantsdacier in reply to Lindahj203]

Thank you Linda, hopefully you never are!

[Lindahj203 in reply to gantsdacier]

you home now and feeling better?