New Diagnosis- Struggling

[Chocoholic80]

I'm really struggling. My therapist recently said she suspects all my troubles in the workplace are related to Asperger's/Autism. I'm 43, college degree, lots of training in my field (graphic design). I keep jumping jobs, getting fired for not fitting in or getting super burned out from bullying. I need to help support my family and I'm starting to feel really hopeless. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have ideas for a better line of work or something I can do to get help with this?

Thanks in advance for any ideas or just kind words.

[Aspen797]

I know you’ll get other good replies but wanted to share a couple resources. This US based nonprofit runs a lot of virtual support groups, social groups, and info sessions for all different types of folks with or who know someone with asd . May want to check them out: aane.org/autism-info-faqs/l.... Another good resource is your state’s vocational rehabilitation office. They can help with keeping a job, getting a promotion.changing jobs, etc. Availability of services varies depending on need and eligibility categories receiving funding worth researching it a bit and eligibility criteria to get ducks in a row before applying. Can be very helpful. Sending positive thoughts!

[Chocoholic80 in reply to Aspen797]

Thank you so much, Aspen797. I really really appreciate it. <3

[PearCider]

I got told when I was diagnosed at 53, also following problems at work, you won't be able to adjust to others, they will have to adjust to you. I knew as soon as the psychologist said it that it wouldn't happen. Other people will bend a bit, and sure in theory they're supposed to make adjustments, but there's a limit to it.

Let's start with the theory. Autism is a disability, and in the UK the Disability Discrimination Act says that employers have to make adjustments to accommodate employees with disabilities. Any employer of any size will have written processes for that, if only so that they can argue to any tribunals that they have means in place to comply with the act.

So in theory it would go something like, at the job interview you'd say that you were autistic which is a hidden disability. You'd of course tell them that you were very confident you could do the job, but you may need certain adjustments to help you with aspects of being employed that you've struggled with in the past. You'd tell them say two or three things that you'd find helpful if they could do, and add something like that obviously there would be a conversation about the details after they'd appointed you. If you're wondering when in the interview to say this... in the UK there's been a standard question that has always appeared at the end of job interviews for decades, even generations: "We've asked you a lot of questions, is there anything you'd like to ask us?" This is when you should say your bit, and ask something like "That's not going to be a problem, is it?" If they say yes it is, they're more or less saying they won't comply with the DDA which is a no-no.

Having done the theory, let's talk about the practise. I suggest for each time you were employed and then fired, write down a timeline of your time with that organisation - everything you can think of that had a bearing on why you left. The kind of factors that might crop up could be:

- There was a change in the culture of the organisation, especially in what it expected of its people

- New company values or a new mission statement were launched, and employees were then expected to 'live the values'. This can cause problems if the values or the way they are interpreted are too vague.

- There was an inconsistency between what was being said and what was being done, especially where the organisation says everyone is free to speak up but the reality is that some sorts of statements are acceptable or even expected, and some are seen as being unhelpful (however sincere they might be).

- Particular individuals, especially the line manager and the one or two managers in direct line above them, have unhelpful attitudes or a personality clash with you. In theory this can be managed, and some courses even talk about 'how to manage your manager', but unfortunately the reality often is that once things have gone sour they never really get back on track again.

- Some specific policy has been implemented as mandatory that cannot be properly executed without inconsistencies in either the policy itself or the situation it applies to being addressed, and the organisation is very unwilling to do that. A specific example could be 'Continuous Improvement' where other organisations are involved in the processes.

- Performance measures are introduced that are either unfair or zero sum i.e. encourage either skimping or conflict between team members.

Having got a timeline for every organisation, go through them and see what they have in common. That might give you a clue as to what sort of adjustments you'd need to ask the employer for.

Bullying is something else. It's a notoriously difficult subject whether or not the victim is autistic, especially if the bully is the person's manager. The official version would probably go something like:

- Go over what has happened and what has been said carefully, to see if there's any other perspective on it. Is there some frustration the other person has, that they feel you could help with but aren't doing?

- If it's definitely bullying, speak calmly and tactfully to the person concerned. There are different versions on how exactly to phrase it, though probably it would be something along the lines of "I'm not sure that we're especially getting along at the moment, and I'd like to try and improve things. Is there anything you think we can do to get along better?" Keep a careful ear open for anything specific that you might be doing that's winding them up - maybe there's some part of a process that they think you should be doing that you aren't aware of.

- If it isn't possible to resolve it directly, speak informally to your manager (unless the other person is your manager, in which case carefully approach their manager). If the person is on a different team, their manager may need to be approached, but it should be your manager doing that, not you.

- If this doesn't work, use the organisation's grievance procedure. It's wildly unlikely that they don't have one, though they probably won't be advertising it. If you can't find any reference to it you might have to ask. You may be able to ask the HR department directly to ask that, if you can't get the information any other way.

Finally, you may need to be aware of some autistic traits that put people off, such as not making the correct amount of eye contact or talking either at too great a length or too briefly. You could argue that this amounts to saying autistic people have to mask to be employed, and I wouldn't want to say that, but if you are able to change some types of behaviour in a way that reduces the number of people that feel uneasy being around you, it may be worth doing.

In the UK, apparently only 16% of autistic adults are in full time employment at any one time. I managed to be a part of that 16% for 39 years continuously, but it wasn't an easy 39 years, and in the end I was becoming aware that being autistic was increasingly inconsistent with company culture. Good luck.

[Chocoholic80 in reply to PearCider]

Thank you PearCider. In the US, it’s best to tell them once you’re hired and ask for accommodations then. I’m working to get an official diagnosis for that process, once I have a job again.

[Clarrisa]

Hi, What I ended up doing is working in a field (nursing) where your supervisor burns out every two years and moves on! All I had to do is wait them out. My mother advised me to always smile at work. An art instructor told our class "To make it in this world you either have to be really smart or really nice." Smiling makes you appear nicer.

I coped by joining a specialty organization and attending their annual conventions. I learned that no matter what part of the country we came from we all had the exact same complaints about our work! I also hired a specialized tutor who had training to work with people like me. I met with them weekly while working. Therapy helped me also, but you need a good referral. Inaddition I did a variety of group exercise classes over my working career. I also had Alexander Technique sessions.

I remember having one supervisor in particular that was hell bent on replacing me with her own hire. Luckily my father had been a life long manager so I took her written complaint on my performance to him. He helped me write a reply which he had me write on the posterior of the complaint she wanted me to sign. My father knew all the tricks, guess what she never tried that again!

Eventually I faced age discrimination and work injuries on top of everything else. At that point I consulted an attorney that specialized in my area. After consulting them I decided to take early retirement, but afterward I found better working conditions elsewhere within a month.

It is no fun being where you are at right now. The important thing to remember is your feelings are what counts, they are valid no matter how others make you feel. Don't question your feelings even if you find it best to keep them to yourself. What you feel is all what counts.