Help with obsession

[Julesboz]

Hi, I haven’t been diagnosed but my son has Aspergers as do other members of my family and I’m pretty sure I have too (I’m currently going through the assessment process). I’m 57 and female. I’ve been happily married for 25 years, have 3 children and was totally in love with my husband. I was obsessed with him from the moment I met him and haven’t looked at another man since and was convinced we’d be together till the day I died. All well and good until he left me last summer and I really have fallen to pieces. The last 9 months have really convinced me that I have Aspergers because of the way I’ve reacted as well as looking back to my childhood and teenage years and the way I’ve always been. Anyway I’m now convinced that he is an Asperger’s obsession. I’ve been seeing a therapist to help me and today she’s told me that she can’t do anything more for me because I’m so obsessed with him and am utterly convinced I’ll never find another man attractive and will never feel the same again so I’ll either end up single, lonely and unhappy or with someone I’m not happy with and unhappy. I’m absolutely refusing to be open to any other possibilities because I know he’s the love of my life and the only person for me. It’s awful. Anyway, I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this or something similar and if there is anything I can do, or anyone I can talk to or see to help?

[PearCider]

Doesn't ring any bells, sorry. Not sure what counselling you've had but it sounds like what you need is exit counselling, though you could also benefit from life coaching. At the risk of stating the obvious, step 1 is has it definitely finished, however unbearably and unfairly? If the answer is yes and you understand that it is, it normally starts getting slightly less unbearable from there on

[Julesboz in reply to PearCider]

Thanks for the response, yes it’s definitely finished, he’s with someone else, which I’m also struggling with massively. I knew that 9 months ago when he left me and it hasn’t improved at all for me unfortunately. It’s as unbearable for me now as it was the day he told me 9 months ago, hence my counsellor saying she’s not sure she can help me. She’s spent months trying to get me to look at things differently but I can’t accept it’s over and he’s gone. I can’t accept I’m on my own. I can’t look to the future positively. I can’t change my feelings towards him despite the fact he was unfaithful. I still love him as much as I did and I’d have him back tomorrow. This is why I’m asking if anyone has any tips because I don’t seem to be able to move on at all.

[PearCider in reply to Julesboz]

Here's one. Write it down. How you met, what you saw in each other, what it was like when it was working, when the high point was when it was as good as it was ever going to get, when and how it first started to go wrong, how and why it ultimately finished.

I can't stress enough, if you know that however painfully unfair it is it's definitely over, it's over. Continuing to pursue someone after that would be drifting towards stalking; but it isn't just leaving them alone, it's accepting that whatever your future life may be like, he won't be part of it.

[Julesboz in reply to PearCider]

Yes I completely agree with you. I need to be able to let go and that’s what I’m having trouble with.

[Julesboz in reply to PearCider]

I should clarify that he wants to be a part of my future, which is what is making it worse. He loves me but not as a wife. He wants to stay my friend which is making it harder to let go.

[j-o-h-n]

Concentrate on your 3 children and don't forget "there's still plenty of tasty fish in the ocean"...

j-o-h-n <===<<< Senior management is about to spike my spikes....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Wednesday 04/19/2023 10:47 PM DST

[Julesboz in reply to j-o-h-n]

I will concentrate on my children and grandchildren but I’m afraid I don’t believe there are plenty more tasty fish in the ocean. I really don’t find men in my age bracket attractive unfortunately and this is one of the problems I’m having!

[j-o-h-n in reply to Julesboz]

There are definitely tasty fish minus one in the ocean. I am the minus one cause I'm old and I'm handsome and very modest but too bad I was caught and I'm married.......Keep fishing and wishing......

j-o-h-n <===<<< Senior management is about to spike my spikes....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Thursday 04/20/2023 6:33 PM DST

[Fayerweather in reply to j-o-h-n]

You're great j-o-h-n I like your style

[Fayerweather]

I find my obsessions go away when I stop getting something out of them anymore. What are you getting out of your obsession with your ex? Is it a belief that he loves you back still? Or just you enjoy thinking about him. You've clearly placed him on a pedestal, but he is no longer in your life as your husband. So what are you getting out of your obsession? Not companionship, or sex, or friendship, or support. So I'm curious what it is that you get from this.

Also, it's only been 9 months. I dated an amazing man for three and a half years, and it probably took me two years to really start healing from our breakup. You were married to him for 25 years and it's been less than a year. Maybe just stay obsessed until it starts to lessen? I imagine it will when you find out that all the obsession is doing is making you unhappy or leaving you unfulfilled, then your brain will ease up and maybe start finding other people attractive. Also ALSO, if you're not going anywhere or doing anything new or special, or meeting people, this will take a lot longer. Focus on what IS in your life, not what isn't. Best wishes.

[Julesboz in reply to Fayerweather]

Thanks! Well it’s now been 11, nearly 12 months and I still feel the same about him but I do think I might be starting to move on. I’ve cut contact with him (he did want to be friends and I was trying but that was making things worse) and that seems to have helped. I’m not getting anything out of the obsession. I have no idea why I’m like this, but I’m trying to throw myself into doing stuff with friends and family so cross fingers. I think you’re right that once my body realises that this obsession gets me nothing it’ll start to wane. I really hope so!