My asperger partner

[wiserlady]

My partner has aspergers. As such he never understands or sees that other people have feelings about emotions. He understands if they are hungry or thirsty or cold but not feelings, emotions. Today I was upset and worried about something but as usual when I try to share it with him and get support he starts his YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS.. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT. and just criticising me, and trying to control my movements instead of seeing that I work out for myself what to do and do not need advice - and his advice made no sense either, he doesnt even understand the situation - and yes I HAVE explained all of this to him, I do not need advice, just wanted to share how difficult it can be at times.

[Hidden]

The reason he probably says that is we are more to the point don't waste idle chit chat time.

We see things differently to Neuro typical people seeing things for what they are not what there not yes can be an issue for others but learn the way he works and use that to your advantage and ask him what/how he views something as we often don't just see something as an object like you would we see it in 3D/all round it.

I have friends that will come and ask me things because i give a straight answer and respect me for it.

[wiserlady in reply to Hidden]

I know why he says it, I have been with him six years, I also know that it is because he is like this that he has no friends whatsoever, people get bored to tears with him being a know all interfering and being arrogant about things that he wasnt asked about in first place.

[Wollyhat123 in reply to wiserlady]

I have been married to an Asperger husband for 51 years now and have two daughters with the same condition. Nothing will ever change them, my husband is STILL exactly as you explain. It’s a very lonely life.

[wiserlady in reply to Wollyhat123]

Am sorry to hear that but understand exactly what you mean. Of course those with aspies on here will defend them and say that we should try harder or learn to understand or that it is because they are wired differently and all the rest - like we don't know all that already. Can work all that out myself. They have no idea of what it is like to be a non aspie with an aspie for years. Sometimes his family come to visit and I have him, his brother and his niece all being the same for a week !

[Biryanilovergal in reply to Wollyhat123]

🥲 I registered here seeking hope for the same reason ...

[wiserlady in reply to Hidden]

I can tell that you have aspies, fair enough. But you miss the point and you are doing the same thing he does - explaining something to me as if I am too silly to be able to work it out for myself and needs words of wisdom to explain the obvious to me. He ignores that you have feelings, he ignores that the person needs emotional comfort. You call that idle chit chat, which just shows that you do not get it at all. Emotional comfort is essential at times and is far more important than advice, especially when the advice is all wrong. And to tell someone they should do this and not do that is very arrogant. Because he always gets all that wrong anyway. And sounds like a fool when he does that. Aspies have this habit of thinking they know all the answers and being know alls, very often they get it all wrong. Just making themselves sound foolish and arrogant. My guy is an expert on SOME things. He is a qualified engineer, a welder and can dismantle a car and put it back together again. But he likes to think he knows every thing in the Universe. If I am baking a cake he will tell me how to get it right when he has never baked a cake in his life, never read a cookery book, and I have made hundreds, and getting it all wrong again. As for you claiming your friends come to you for advice. The average friend will tell their problems to anyone who listens for free, I can think of several women who would tell you, all of their next door neighbours, some of their family, the butcher, the baker, the librarian, the man who delivers their medicine and anyone else who listens. It does not mean they value your advice or want it, they often just want to moan and offload. Nine times out of ten if you only give them advice they ignore you but if you sympathise and tell them what they want to hear and agree with them they will think you are fantastic. You see people with aspies have no idea of how people tick or how psychology works and you need to be good at psychology to listen to someone's problems and say the right things. Nine times out of the ten the aspie will criticise and judge and explain (and get that wrong too) so people avoid them.

So if you are feeling very ill and you reach out to an aspie for comfort he or she is far more likely to tell you why you are ill (AND GET THAT WRONG) or that you might feel better in a week (which you already know) or what to do to feel better (which they always get wrong). But not the hug, the kiss, the smile, the hand holding and understanding that you seek.. nor offering to cook the meal when you are too ill to do it, just sitting there waiting for you to do it. If an aspie knows anything they can advise on it is factual, like an encyclopedia, they cannot give advice on relationships because they do not understand feelings and love and emotional needs.

And they often have double standards. i.e. my aspie knows he should take two fibre capsules a day to help his gallbladder. HE REFUSES TO TAKE THEM. AND THERE IS NO REASON AT ALL FOR THIS. OTHER THAN BEING STUBBORN AND STUPID. They do not have side effects. But then when he has another gallbladder attack he gets very childish and wants lots of attention and sympathy. Then if someone he knows is ill he will dissect why, what they did wrong, what they should do etc - getting that all wrong - but not seeing that just as he wanted sympathy so do they.

[Hidden in reply to wiserlady]

I can see you have a chip on your shoulder plus starting to sound like someone with Paranoid schizophrenia?

[wiserlady in reply to Hidden]

oh dear another aspie who is a know all with no idea of how to talk to others. bye

[j-o-h-n]

Unfortunately or fortunately AS people march to a different drum.. very difficult to change them, if at all..

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Thursday 10/24/2019 1:05 PM DST

[wiserlady in reply to j-o-h-n]

Yours was the only mature and sensible reply, thank you.

[j-o-h-n in reply to wiserlady]

Thank you...

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Sunday 11/03/2019 6:17 PM EST

[myhealthneeds]

So you know all the answers yourself. Why ask him for sympathy? You know he can't give it. You and he are wired up differently. I go to a Couples Night once a month and we sit as individuals and couples to discuss why we can't understand each other's logic. As someone said, "He is not stupid, he just has a different kind of logic!!" He is just logically trying to help you to get through life and being reasonable with you. You di not need what he tells you. So don't ask his advice. Come to the Couples Night, 2nd Monday of month in Cardiff. Free sessions!

[wiserlady]

Firstly sweetie I did not ask for sympathy, but partners normally offer it. I can see you are not like that. I feel sorry for your partner. Secondly. Logic would have told you that I probably live a long way away from Cardiff or I would have already known about these evenings and already decided whether or not they were for me. As usual an aspie's logic is not logical at all.

[myhealthneeds]

If you were in Cardiff you probably would not know about the Couples Evening unless you had been involved in something that brought you across it. My husband is on the Spectrum but he doesn't enjoy talking about couple things. I spent year as a lonely wife as he had no sympathy for me at all and wanted me to leave so he could get a better wife who could understand his needs even though he didn't understand my needs.

[wiserlady in reply to myhealthneeds]

Am not sure why you assume that even if we lived in the area we would not know. Any large group is known of in the area by those who go to the group or were able to or who told their friends and family and neighbours. We run a lot of large groups ourselves. If they are not known nobody turns up and they no longer exist.

Am sorry if you feel bad about your marriage. But only you can work out what to do about that. I had a marriage which was bad - SO GOT A DIVORCE. My marriage now is with aspie and he is learning to be more attentive and caring, he is actually the best man I have known in many ways.

[myhealthneeds]

Because Cardiff is a large area and the group was fed by a specialist Team who referred people if they asked for support with their relationships. The funding for it is now ending so we will be free to advertise it and have a FB page so that people can find us and come directly without going round the houses. A GP told us many years ago to get a divorce if we were having difficulty understanding each other! Thanks a bundle.

[wiserlady]

Neither of us want support with our relationship. We are happy together. If we were not we would have got a divorce. Life is too short to be unhappy when you have a better alternative. And I very much doubt that an aspie would be able to support a non aspie, quite the opposite. They usually get very arrogant and attack when someone says something. We choose who we marry and we choose if we stay with them. Not your GPS fault. But I do hope that your group gets some more members. I expect it is the non aspies taht really want the group to carry on and try to get more members. There are loads of groups on facebook and elsewhere for non aspies to chat to each other though. Most prefer that way of chatting and supporting each other nowadays.

[myhealthneeds in reply to wiserlady]

Actually it is mostly the people on the spectrum who want the support in our case.

[Biryanilovergal]

One question- Are you still with him ?