I’m having a difficult week. I’ve been in this cycle of having a regular pattern of good and bad days. It is now a year since my last admission and things aren’t much better. Except, after a change in medication (my lithium levels were low), my last cycle was much milder. I’m due another downswing in the next couple of days, and I feel absolutely dreadful. Consumed with fear about that mild cycle just being a blip, and that I’ll be going back into a big low. Every minute feels like torture. This is going to be a tricky week. I keep having moments of hope and then telling myself it might have been a blip and going back down is likely.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for really. Just a hand hold.
Written by
MotherOfBears
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Lots of hand holding here. It is so difficult I know when you feel yourself going low, hold on have hope, what are the things that lift you. I didn’t suffer with the awful illness of PP, my daughter did, I do understand the anxiety and the ups and downs of getting fully well again. Fresh air and exercise can help, hobbies, just tell yourself it is just for a few minutes and before you know it you could have been doing a happy making thing for an hour. Do you have a good, kind, understanding someone to talk to, that can help. Are you a member of any of the APP coffee meet up groups, my daughter found them very helpful. All these things are easier said than done I know but, don’t give up all you brave PP mums are stronger than you think.
I know someone with personal experience of PP will write soon. Do write here anytime lots of empathetic hands ready to hold.
it’ll all work out sweetie. I have bipolar type 2 and sometimes it is hard. But you get through it and can thrive. Why not start looking at all the different places you could go on holiday? Nothing like looking at beaches to chill you out. And Italy… wow! Xx
thanks NanaJudith and Arabella. I struggle to maintain that hope and need to distract myself from it. It is easy in someways to do that as I am at hope with my 21month old, I can tune into him. But at the same time it is tricky as my time is not my own. Just so so scared that I am going to go down again )I have rapid cycling bipolar and have a cycle every three weeks)
I haven’t had a major relapse since giving birth. Yes I have wobbles but I catch myself. Unconsciously I refuse to be ill as I have responsibilities- three young children rely on me. I will not let them down. I will alter my medication when I need to but I will not relapse. You might find it the same. Hope and strive for happiness darling. Is the glass half full or half empty? X
Thank you for being so open and sharing your feelings with us on the forum. It must be so difficult to feel like you know what is coming down the line.
I find what helps me when I am struggling with spiralling thoughts is grounding techniques from mindfulness. You could even create a "self-soothe" box, filled with things that can help you to feel calmer, that you can go to whenever you feel that you will go down. Example below;
hoping that your today is better than your yesterday. How lovely to have a yummy 21month old little boy to cuddle, certainly a precious little miracle to help to keep you going. It must be so difficult for you feeling such crashing downs, don’t underestimate your achievements, it is hard work being a mummy and with all the other stuff you have to do to keep going. I hope you are able to sleep, I do think that lack of sleep can affect your mood. I wonder if Yoga or breathing exercises might be helpful. I like the idea of a ‘self soothie’ box’. I have a little book myself that I’ve had for years in which I have written and write favourite uplifting phrases, poems, music, maybe the odd drawing (though I am not artist) anything I come across that strikes me really. I picked it up yesterday not having looked for a while, I found it really lovely re-reading some of the phrases in there, being an old granny there are quite a few now, might have to start a volume 2 soon! Also Mother of Bears and You Got This, my favourite go to is also ‘This too shall pass’, I have a little ring thus inscribed.
So difficult but sometimes you have to look harder for the things to be glad about but they are there, just hiding for a little while. Keep going, keep talking brave mummy, all you PP mums all uniquely brilliant and brave.
Good thoughts sent to you from me in the USA. I am wondering if your bipolar disorder isn’t well controlled on lithium if you’re having such regular bad weeks? I take a different drug called Lamotrigine and it has stabilized me pretty much altogether. However I’m bipolar 2 and it’s been many years since my diagnosis of PP. If nothing else you might ask your provider if there are better alternatives available to you.
The reason my handle is “survived with color” is because art and writing are what I did during the bad times to get me through. I’m not an amazing artist, but there was something about drawing my feelings with colored pencils that just made better sense to me. I got on the computer and wrote about it, too. It just gave me an outlet along with my therapists to talk to. I got through many years of hard times this way, and also remembering, “This too shall pass.” It was interesting to hear others say that because that phrase is exactly what got me through so many situations. Just knowing it wouldn’t be this way forever gave me the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It really helped. Someday you, too, will be the 20 year survivor of this who will help other women. Hang in there. I know it’s not easy to have small children while you are struggling with your own brain. One day at a time!
Yes I have heard other say “this too shall pass” is helpful to think about. I guess I just don’t believe that it will ever get better.
But there is hope, maybe the drugs are starting to work. I won’t know until Monday or Tuesday next week whether they are having an impact. And it is torture to wait.
I just wanted to write to say I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry you're having a difficult week.
I struggled with depression/ low mood and anxiety after the psychosis, and the thought of having another low was really hard. I hope you can somehow find things to distract you from focusing on it, as I imagine the fear and anxiety about it doesn't help your mood either.
At the moment I'm trying to go for a daily walk in the park near me, trying my best to be mindful and just focus on nature etc. I've also found journaling really helpful, just to get my thoughts down on paper, and let out any frustrations or anxieties, and to name positive things.
It is so hard with our busy mummy lives, you must have your hands full too with your 21 month old.
Oh MotherofBears I'm so sorry you're feeling so anxious, I had struggles with anxiety too, and it was so hard to manage. I hope you can somehow find some things that can help you, and distract you. As you say time will pass, your mood and anxiety will lift in time.
Take care, and keep writing here whenever it helps X
Yes need to find some things to help distract me. It’s like waiting for test or exam results! Need to just focus on getting through each hour until Monday when I would be able to say this new treatment is actually working
Mother of courage ! So sorry you’re suffering crippling anxiety which is just awful. I had severe depression, which I think I’ve mentioned in another thread, but am mindful that bipolar is much more challenging.
As you say, your time is not your own but perhaps you can bring music as a distraction into your busy days around the home. Years ago I heard a song in a shoe shop “I’m going all the way” by Sounds of Blackness which resonated with how I was feeling at the time. So after asking the shop assistant for the details, I went to a shop and bought the cassette (which they had in those way back when days!!) Of course, these days it can be found via Google 😊 The chorus is :
“Whatever it takes to make it .... I’m going all the way ... I may be down some times ... but I won’t be down always .....”
Also if I’m out and sometimes a bit flat, I’ll buy myself a few flowers 🌸 just as a treat, or pop in to a coffee shop just for a minute to myself, soaking up the atmosphere.
I’m sorry it’s not that easy for you. Be very proud of getting through each day.
I think having a ‘toolbox’ of little things to dip into that can lift our spirits is a good idea when we feel helpless and hopeless. A few little flowers is a recent addition to my ‘box’ the colours of which are a reminder of brighter days and hope. 🌹🌻
I also like chair yoga ... a little easier for me than getting down on a mat 😊 I found a lovely clip of moves via Google given by a tutor with such a warm and calming voice.
Take care ... wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home with your precious bears. I truly hope you will feel that by Monday the new treatment has worked for you. xxx
Thinking of you and hope today you will be able to say the new treatment is working.
I like this verse by Sandra King :
“Be like the single blade of grass for she too has been trampled on, mowed down and hit with such bitterly cold stretches that she had to shut down to survive. Yet still she stands upright with dignity, knowing that she endures, and still she dances with the wind.”
thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply and offer such considered advice and support. Your messages mean so much for me.
I started on a higher dose of lithium about a month ago and I haven’t had the crushing low I would’ve expected just after Christmas, and the low I would have expected over the weekend just gone. I was absolutely screwed up with anxiety over the last week not knowing how things would go. I made myself ill with the worry I think. But am a bit hopeful that things might be shifting finally.
It’s the one year anniversary of my second hospital admission. I had one in June 2022 for PP and then one in January 2023 for depression. I’ve been posting on here since that time and had so much support from everyone. I am hugely grateful and wish there was a way to repay you all.
Hi MotherOfBears, so good to hear that the low last weekend is already gone, those are positive encouraging signs. You do a lot of the work, is not just the support and the medication. Do take care these days of anniversary, take it slow and be kind to yourself.Sending you all the best,
well done you are again getting through a very difficult time. Maria is right take care of yourself, anniversaries can be tricky to navigate they creep up on you but with each one I feel you can gain strength. A very kind thought and gratitude is a good thing but I don’t think you need to feel you have to thank everyone in a special way, though PP Mums are especially great, it’s what everyone is here for. Don’t underestimate yourself and the contribution you make writing here, anyone following your journey, your courage, endurance and successes, they could be a little beacon to others too. It is a difficult balance with medications. Everyone wobbles sometimes, even if we haven’t been through the awful illness of PP or bi-polar but as we have said before just because we are struggling it doesn’t mean we are failing. Keep going your doing really well.
It's good to hear from you, and to hear that you didn't experience the really low mood at Christmas , nor this last weekend. I hope this might give you some hope that things are getting better, and might help with the anxiety you felt about it.
How are you feeling now? I hope you are doing OK. I hope you might have some nice plans this week, though I know it's enough just to look after your children I'm sure! I'm finding it so helpful to go for a walk every day in our local park, and am writing my journal too which I find really helps to let thoughts out.
Take care, know we're here to write to at any time, I'm so glad you've found this forum helpful.
thanks Ellie, I’m doing ok :). Get a bit lonely I realise, now I’m in a patch where the depression is at bay, I’m taking stock. I’m a very sociable person and it’s hard to be a mum and go through all those days just with little people to chat to. As I say, I think these sort of feelings are coming up now that I’m not dealing with the savage lows. Gosh it’s tricky isn’t it, this whole business of being a mum
I'm glad you're doing ok. Yes I found mat leave quite lonely. As you say it's a lot just having little people to chat to. I remember a friend telling me (who hadn't had pp on top of it all) that her mat leave had been the loneliest time of her life. I hope you can maybe find friends to meet up with? Hard if everyone is working though I know.
And yes, the whole business of being a mum is definitely tricky!
Thank you for reaching out and it's really good to read your update and that you didn't experience the lows you were expecting over recent weeks. I hope that as time passes and hopefully things continue to feel better, that the anxiety will lessen.
I hear you too with regard to feeling lonely... I'm sure that will resonate with many of us, it really is difficult being a mum in so many ways. I was fortunate in spending most of my first maternity leave with a friend I'd made at antenatal classes, but then we didn't do any classes like that with our second and I hadn't really thought about it from a social perspective (I think my main focus was on staying well!). I felt a bit less inclined to try and meet new people, I'm fairly sociable but also quite introverted and can find it very tiring, and didn't do as many baby/toddler group type things as it was different having two. How do you feel about groups like that? I'm sure there will be some really nice ones out there and your Health Visiting team might have some good ideas too. I also know there are groups on Facebook and other social media platforms locally where I see people looking to meet up with others who have similar aged children as they've recently moved to the area etc., that could be worth a look... I hope you find some opportunities to spend time with friends without the children too, I think that's important as it's easy to lose ourselves a bit. But I know it can be far easier said than done.
Anyway, that might not be what you're looking for right now but know you're most definitely not alone 💜
Take good care and keep writing here whenever it helps.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
previous pp,39 weeks pregnant and dont feel right
32 weeks pregnant and really struggling
PP diagnosis and struggling three weeks after discharge from MBU
36 weeks pregnant starting olanxapine 
suicidal ideation TW 
