My experience, can some help me figure it out what it was?

[MaryumeMama]

I gave a 14 hour traumatic birth, after few hours the nurse comes in the room he needs to be fed , I panicked again. Am hyperventaliting like a stone on my chest and panicking thinking is my baby on, yes he was. But I felt I couldnt calm down. And no was there to support to me , I couldnt verbalise what I was going through. I didn't sleep after birth well, then few hours later I had get up to go home I didn't want that. I wanted to sleep. Anyways got home, I remember laying down in the bed and I panicked that day and night thinking my breast milk couldn't come out, the milk wasn't enough for my little one, i tried so hard, I tried everyday hours upon hours trying to feed my little one, he was always crying, I felt like a massive failure I couldn't feed him and I wanted to so bad! It hurt like a MF. It took me three weeks for the pain to go away with breastfeeding, everyone kept telling me am doing it wrong you have to do this way that way. I had many advices from doctors, nurses and I just felt I should've trusted myself and baby. The lack of support want there enough my mother stayed for a week until she had to go back, my husband worked after a week too nonstop. I m crying as am typing this as I felt I never had a break and it kills me, it's like I was deprived of rest even before having a newborn. Coming back to the first moment giving birth I didn't have my rest I had night sweats, sweating, crying, feeling like body is not connected to my mind, worrying, and i COULDNT CONTROL MY THOUGHTS. I tried to sleep when I had the chance and I swear my mind didn't let me. I tried for hours. My mind was constantly ramming through all thoughts , all doubts, all my past life in one. Three weeks giving birth to my little one I swear to god my father in law had a heart attack and he had go to hospital this was a disaster as my hubby already lost his mum, Nd now my husband is worrying for his father in law. I have no other support apart from my husband. I remember not sleeping for those 72 hours whilst constantly breastfeeding and looking after myself barely by just making it to the toilet (am not exaggerating) I didn't even eat. My husband wasn't there to mentally I saw it due to the news of his dad. I cried everyday for 6 weeks. Wishing I had never had a child , I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I didn't even go to the toilet properly. At 6 weeks I had to catch a flight to visit my father in law in hospital I didn't want to but because it would have been the last chance my little one to see his grandson (hubby convinced me) I found that excruciatingly difficult. Who was looking after me? My husband he did but he dosent realise he's most of the time at work and am having to put up with all this. After 2 and half months I stopped breastfeeding for the sake of my mental health and it helped. I gave him forumle in between and now I give him constant and I'm so happy. He's fed happy baby. He's now 5 months am in a better place as I had my sleep.

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator]

Hi MaryumeMama ,

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your struggle, I had a similar struggle with breastfeeding and really did try to breastfeed my son but it was mentally and physically draining and resulted in me having major lack of sleep and then post partum psychosis. I decided to bottle feed my son too after a week or so of attempting breastfeeding, it looks like you hanged in there for a longer time, well done. I know there’s an emphasis and lots of support for breastfeeding but if the baby is fed that’s the most important thing. Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves especially as new mums when we shouldn’t.

I can imagine it must be a struggle with there only being you and your husband in your area. Perhaps try to join a mothers group in your area it may make you feel more connected and you can share your stories with other mums who you will realise are in the same boat as you. You are not alone in your struggles, i’ve been there and other mums have too!

Please remember to be kind to yourself. You are a new mum and learning along the way, like us all.

Take care 💙

[MaryumeMama in reply to Zebunisa_at_APP]

That's the thing I tried to look for a support groups for mothers and am Abit shocked they don't have one in my area. :/

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator in reply to MaryumeMama]

Speak with your dr or health visitor about this, they may have some suggestions or know of some groups running in your area MaryumeMama

[MaryumeMama in reply to Zebunisa_at_APP]

Your message was really kind. Thank you! ❤️

[SammySeal]

Hi MaryumeMama

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I hope it helped to get it out, though I know it can sometimes feel overwhelming to see it all typed out like that. I'm no medical expert, but it sounds like you had a really stressful time, before, during and after the birth (congratulations by the way). I'm not sure if it was postnatal depression, anxiety, OCD or something different, so maybe talking about what you've been through with a professional might help? Sometimes GPs can refer you to counsellors. Might help make sense of it.

I had a psychotic episode after the birth of my first child 15yrs ago. After the episode I struggled with bad postnatal depression. I too really struggled with breastfeeding him. I had too much milk, coming out like a pressure washer! The baby hated trying to feed poor thing and I felt he hated me After 4 months of a terrible time mentally, I started a medication which meant I could no longer breastfeed (I was only pumping and feeding him by a bottle by then, which was round the clock work). Things improved quickly after starting medication and formula feeding, though he was never really a fan of milk whether it came from a boob or a bottle. Only happy once he started solids!

I'm glad to hear now your little one is 5 months things have started to improve for you. If you're still concerned about your mental or physical health, I'd say talk to a medical person and keep sharing your experiences with others. Lots of mums portray everything as being fine or even perfect, but lots of us really struggle with all kinds of things going on in our lives and health, on top of having a baby, which is hard enough. We should all talk more!

Take care

Sammy x

[MaryumeMama in reply to SammySeal]

I agree, all mums should be able to vent out and how we can support them . In the Netherlands I live in now a small community and there isn't much for mothers and babies. It's not really supportive in this sense. Your message really helps as I feel am not alone in this. I swear mothers are Diamonds of what we are going through. Trying to care of our child needs through the tough and thin. Thank you Sammy for your kindness. It goes a long way

[SammySeal]

I wonder is there any parenting charities that provide phone/online support where you are? Back when I had my first baby I had no family or friends nearby, I had a charity called Homestart help me - a nice old lady who popped round once a week for a chat and a drink. I was very anxious to go out with the baby, but she came with me to help me go to places like the library.

Also, there are charities like Parentline or similar here, which I still use now even for teenager issues, where you can phone up and either just vent to them on the phone, or they'll help with advice, pass you to other agencies etc. Not sure what you might have in the Netherlands?

[MaryumeMama in reply to SammySeal]

Am using homestart to get to know the area and people and that has been helping me alot! However the lady is mostly busy and there's not much days fitted in. Which is disappointing.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello MaryumeMama

Thank you so much for posting and sharing your story - what a difficult and emotional time you've been through.

Like you and others, I found breastfeeding punishing. I was determined to exclusively breastfeed and never considered formula as an option. I got very little sleep, my son seemed hungry all the time (in hindsight I think a dummy would have helped hugely but again, I'd put all this ridiculous pressure on myself not to have these things!!) I stopped being able to sleep at all after 3 weeks and was in a midst of postpartum psychosis a few days later.

Being a new mum is so hard, and to not feel supported, it's so lonely. I'm sorry you went through that, as well as a traumatic birth and then the stress of your father-in-law being unwell.

There are all sorts of mental health issues mums can experience postnatally, it's a really vulnerable time. Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, birth trauma, the stress of such a life-changing event, it can all have a massive impact. I think SammySeal's suggestion of perhaps talking it through with a healthcare professional is a good one.

There is an organisation called Postpartum Support International (PSI) which lists a coordinator in the Netherlands in their international help section - postpartum.net/get-help/int... - it may be a contact to try as well? I'm sorry there is so little support where you are.

There is a lot of information about postpartum psychosis as well as resources on our website here:

PP FAQs - app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

Insider guides - app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

I hope this is helpful. I'm so glad things have improved for you, that you're rested and happy It's certainly a journey and we mums all need to support each other!

Take good care.

Best wishes,

Jenny