Living with pps partner: Im really... - Action on Postpar...

Action on Postpartum Psychosis

2,749 members1,968 posts

Living with pps partner

Lotto123
Lotto123

Im really struggling to stick by my wife whose suffering from pps, the episodes shes had have ruined relationships with freinds and family, the outrageous demands on myself,the lies, depression,cheating..it feels like it will never end and that we d all be better off if i moved out our family home.Is there light at the end if the tunnel , and if so , when ??

18 Replies
oldestnewest

My partner left me when I was in the mother and baby unit. I imagine I wasn't the easiest to live with, but I was very, very unwell. I think being kicked out at my lowest point made recovery so much harder.

I appreciate you're having a very difficult time, but I would urge you to try and stick with her if you can. What support is she getting? And you? They tried to do family therapy with us in the mother and baby unit, if they can get on top of the psychosis this might be beneficial to you?

Don't do anything rash, think it all through as carefully as you can. I hope you can find a way through this.

Dear Lotto123,

I am so very sorry that your wife suffered with Postpartum Psychosis, it is an awful illness and a shock and trauma for you too isn't it. My daughter suffered with PP and got better, your wife can get better too. Recovery, sadly, can be up and down and your wife may well be in terrible distress. If I may ask how long ago was the birth of your precious baby? As AstroSue, I also wonder what help you are getting. Was your wife in a Mother and Baby Unit, does she have a local mental health team, could you speak with your GP. Also I wonder if you have been able to see the APP Insider Guides you may find them helpful. I do understand that this must be so difficult for you, perhaps more so in these Covid times. Try and access all the help you can and please don't give up yet, your wife needs you and supportive, understanding family and friends around her to help her to be

restored to herself.

Best wishes to you and congratulations on baby.

Judith x

Hi Lotto123,

So sorry to hear your wife has pp and the struggles your facing. My wife had pp, spending 12 weeks in an MBU and then an up and down road back to full recovery, there is no doubt how much of a traumatic experience it can be for both the wife, the partner and families.

I went through every possible emotion and questioned whether the whole thing would ever be back to some sense of normality, it got to a stage where I couldn't think more than what was happening right there at that moment because it was too scary to look to the future. I had to remind myself, as did our families, that my wife was really ill; it was a really hard time but with the right care and support it really can get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel, even when it doesn't look like it.

I think the questions have been asked in the other 2 replies, so I won't ask any more but leave some further info below, if you get a chance to have a look.

Here's a link to the 'Resources for partners' page, where you can find a link to the 'pp insider guides' as well, which Judith mentioned, app-network.org/partners-2/

If you live in the UK or Ireland, APP also do 1:1 support, again you can find the link at the same place above.

Finally there is a 'closed' Facebook page for partners of women who have experienced postpartum psychosis, facebook.com/groups/APPpart...

With the very best of wishes

Simon

Pikorua
PikoruaVolunteer in reply to Simon_at_APP

so useful Simon, I am pleased that we have you on board for supporting dad's throughout this very difficult time...

Revans86
Revans86Volunteer

Hi Lotto123,

I had PP in 2016. I’m so so sorry this has happened to your family too. I can’t imagine what you must be going through yourself.

But I know first hand what a trauma PP is for the WHOLE family, not just the person experiencing it. Don’t forget yourself in amongst all that you’re going through.

I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and your partner. I hope you’re getting support yourself from friends etc. Take great care of yourself and congratulations on your new arrival. X

Hello Lotto123,

I am sorry you both are going through pp at the moment. It is a traumatic illness and having experienced it from the side of the patient only, I can't imagine how hard it must be to see everything without the fog of the illness and the medication.

I just wanted to pipe in to remind that this terrible thing you are both experiencing is not hers or yours fault, its nobody's fault. It's as tragic as being a passenger in a car accident. And the same as with a physical illness, recovery is possible and she will go back to her old self. I know right now that is impossible to believe. But mums in this forum are a testimony of that, she will get better, she will gain back control of herself, she will come back.

My illness 2 years ago was incredible taxing on my family and I can't say how grateful I am for their support and amazing love. They were the cornerstone of my recovery. But to be able to give that support you have to get some help for yourself, I have the impression from your post this has been going on for a while. Do you have any access to talking therapy for you? Family therapy suggested by AstroSue could be something to try, perhaps? And also, is your wife under a perinatal mental health team, atm? During the darkest periods my husband and brother would voice their fears and questions to my mental health team and they were always the best place to answer questions, provide reassurance and reliable information.

Take very good care of yourself Lotto123, I can't imagine how hard it is at the moment, but remember that pp is very treatable and your wife will recover from it

Lotto123
Lotto123 in reply to EmiMum

Thanks

Lotto123
Lotto123 in reply to EmiMum

Ill give astrosue a try .. thanks again

Thanks for all the comments to each and every 1 of you ..gives us hope as a family unit we can see a future together..wife is still ill and in care with baby, we have 1 more kid also , she hates my guts and wants me to change but i hope thats just the illness talking lol ..seems to be going on forever , major paranoia , false realitys and hallusinations.Im giving it my all to hold it together for us but she seems one track minded about her wants and needs in life now. As if the girl i fell in love with 20years ago isnt there anymore.

Thanks again xx

Lilybeth
LilybethVolunteer

Hello Lotto123

Welcome to the forum and shared experiences which I’m glad have given you hope as a family unit. I’m so sorry your wife is suffering so much. I remember how awful it must have been for my husband ..... I was almost like a completely different person, suspicious of everyone, very argumentative and scared.

Please hold on .... the girl you fell in love with is still there but has been overwhelmed by such a traumatic illness and is fighting to be well for you and your treasured children.

I wonder if you have seen the PP Insider Guide “Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis” which might be helpful to read at app-network.org/what-is-pp/.... There is also a guide for partners and shared experiences on the page.

I had PP many years ago and it is an awful experience. At this stage it feels never ending but it is a temporary and very treatable illness. Do you have support from the perinatal mental health team until baby is one year?

It’s not easy for you but try not to be offended by things your wife might say as she is not herself and probably struggling to make sense of what is happening. With good medical care your wife will eventually recover and will be so comforted by your loving support. I hope you also have support around for yourself .....we are always here to listen. Take care.

Hi Lotto123,

It must be very hard now and I am sorry. But she is in the best place for her at the moment, and with the right medication and treatment she will come through it. This is temporary.

My memories of my "personality" when I was unwell were also like Lilybeth described completely at odds with myself, I was raging, I didn't hesitate much to engage physically, I would shout at the top of my lungs, and I would be terrified of leaving my room. The doctors explained it as the fight or flight reaction we all experience when perceiving danger, but now imagine you are getting that adrenaline pumping through your body without any real danger present. However, for your wife her body is telling her that the danger is very real and thus she acts in the way she does, as a natural defense mechanism.

I was in a mother and baby unit for 2 months, before then I was in a general psych ward for 10 days. This happened to me 2 years ago and after a year of medication and plenty of counselling I did recovered.

My husband lived through it all very closely, and for him the reassurance from the nurses and doctors that I would come back to myself was invaluable. You have a gorgeous family, being with your wife 20 years and counting and with 2 lovely children. No one plans for the storm that pp is, and its such an overwhelming and hard moment. Do you have good family or friends nearby you can perhaps go out for a chat with and unload some of your thoughts?

I hope things start looking up soon, Lotto123, we are here always to talk, and may be an option to give the facebook partners group a try, to share some experiences with other partners that went or are going through the same

Dear Lotto

I am in a very similar predicament. No doubt you also have been the subject of most of the anger, suspicion and occasional violence as well. It isn't easy at all.

I would say that for me it has got a bit better since the first episode 2nd September 2019. She had an episode this morning, but it wasn't as bad as 3-4 months ago.

The key to survive is get some time to yourself - the lockdown has been so awful I can't describe, particularly as we have been trapped in an environment where someone who used to love us and treat us with kindness; now despises us, is suspicious of everything we do, and we do can nothing right!

Now things have opened up a bit in respect of COVID restrictions - you need to get time to yourself. I come into my office when I can, before I used to go onto the roof of my building.

While you are having this respite, calm yourself and tell yourself that it isn't really her - that you didn't make any mistakes - you are not to blame - you should not take what she does or says, to heart. Take the time when you're out to forgive her. Then go back refreshed. Often, you might find that she doesn't even remember what happened last, that which drove you out of the house.

Another reason that you can't walk out - is the little one - would they be safe in her hands? My wife, has expressed previously, thoughts to kill the baby and to stab me with various sharp objects. It's an almost impossible situation.

The only way I feel is we can survive is to get that respite. Hopefully you are living in a country which has some form of community mental health team - who can potentially offer some solutions. I personally don't live in such a location - so all I have is me :)

All the very best. I know exactly how you're feeling. Talk more. People here all know what you, and I, are going through and even if they only provide a means whereby we can talk about what has been happening, and they can tell you that they understand, this alone is perhaps enough to just get through another day.

I wish you all the best.

Lotto123
Lotto123 in reply to Fatimahg

Thanks fatimahg and everyone else for your supportive comments..

My wife is my hero for battling and getting the help firstly.She/we are fighting for our lives..pure survival mode at the moment ..cant imagine what she s going thru but also very tough to watch..she and the baby are no1 right now..good to see there is light and other familys have been here and survived this..will definately make us more mature and closer i hope..thanks again for all your lovely replies , first time ive ever done a public/ internet cry for help and it really as helped..ive read (multiple times) and took on board ALL of your comments... we' ll keep swimming till we reach the shore..thanks again x

Lilybeth
LilybethVolunteer in reply to Fatimahg

Hello Fatimahg

I’m sorry to read from your heartfelt reply that you don’t live in a country offering community mental health. It must seem very isolating and sad when you said “ ..... so all I have is me.”

I’m sorry your wife seems so aggressive while she is recovering. If I can offer an insight I think if she is having delusions, everything will be very real and frightening. If it’s any help, she is not lashing out at you but to the awful things she imagines. Many years ago during my recovery I was actively suicidal and had awful thoughts and delusions. At one point I imagined a face that sat between myself and my husband, telling me what a bad mother I was. Of course I would shout back at ‘it’ which looked as if I was shouting at my husband as only I could hear and see this ‘monster’. Thankfully with medication and other interventions the delusions and hallucinations faded with time.

I wonder if you are abroad whether Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net might have someone locally who you could talk to? If you go to the page there’s a list of countries and perhaps you might find your location there?

It must be very overwhelming for you sometimes. Please be assured that with good medical care and your support, your wife will be well again. It does take a lot of patience and understanding as your wife fights to be well for you and your family. As you say, a short break and time to yourself is a good way to cope from day to day. Take good care of yourself.

There's great advice on here- honestly there's no clear timescale but she will come back to you. My wife had PP after both our kids were born, I could see her trying to break out of herself the whole time but she was horrendous too in the things she did and said. With the right help the girl I loved slowly fought off the demons and was able to enjoy mat leave with the little ones. It seemed like a lifetime but really was only a matter if weeks before I could see the chinks. She remembered so much, could explain all the thoughts she had that made her act that way, and could remember how people were with her. You've just got ride it out, it might be the toughest thing you ever do but you won't regret it. Take care and take all the help you can get, and be selfish about what you need to get you through from time to time too 👍🍀

Lotto123
Lotto123 in reply to AJN7

Thanks ajn7 🍀🙏

Lotto123
Lotto123 in reply to AJN7

I pray that wen she returns home from mbu therell be a considerable difference in not only the illness 🙏🙏🙏🙏but also her attitude as almost unbearable to live with.. i know this sounds selfish but for our kids enviroment mainly...🤞🤞🤞 thanks again 🍀

Pikorua
PikoruaVolunteer

Hello Lotto123,

I have been reading through the thread and all those wonderful and encouraging replies.

I am pleased that your wife is in the MBU where she gets appropriate care and support.

I was sectioned to a Psychiatric hospital in 2010 and initially misdiagnosed, without any gynaecological support and often put into isolation, because of ongoing episodes.

My partner fought endlessly that I received humane treatment and put my case forward to an external professional team in order to get me released instead of sectioned further. After 39 days of horror I returned home, to my own sanctuary!

This illness is such a trauma for all husbands/partners and loved ones. My gratitude is always there for my wonderful partner, who stuck it out and cared for me and our baby full time for one year, before gradually returning to work.

I recovered from PPP, your wife will, too. Please, hang in there! Times will improve gradually and moments of happiness will increase.

My son is now 10, my big man and little man are the most caring guys on Earth.

Stay safe and take care of yourself. Wishing you inner strengths!

x

You may also like...