hi im new to this forum & I would lik... - Action on Postpar...
hi im new to this forum & I would like to ask quite a personal question. Has anybody got experience of serious relationship problems post PP
Hi Igreen, a big welcome to the forum. It's an issue that seems to crop up quite often as there can be a lot of rebuilding of yourself & your relationships needed during & after PP. Have you had PP yourself or are you asking for some kind of research?
hi Andrea thanku for your speedy reply. Yes I had pp after my second child in Feb 2012. Its been a long long journey of recovery & only now do I feel i have taken the blinkers off & ready to face what happened. I feel very anxious at the moment & feel the need to do research on pp which iv never done before. Im concerned about lots of things having a relapse, I hear lots of people mention being diagnosed with Bipolar post PP is that common & then having serious relationship issues & wondering is this due to my pp/depression or does the relationship cause me to be more depressed?
Hi Igreen. To answer your question, in my case it was very difficult to see what came first: the illness or the relationship issues. I guess it depends on a number of things, like how supportive your partner was/is during pregnancy, post-birth, as the illness kicked in, now... also their general view on mental health (open, prejudiced, scared?), their understanding of PP itself, like if they know that what you did/said while psychotic was not you but the illness, whether they were themselves supported by others when they cared for you and the baby, etc. It is worth bearing in mind that depression is very normal after PP and that relationship problems make depression worse. It is difficult to tell if you're right in the situation, is there a way you could go away with your baby for a bit, to clear your head and think? Friends and relatives in another city you could go and visit? Not exactly related to PP but distance and time can give you new perspectives on things. I hope you get things sorted one way or another. All the best and keep us updated. Much love,
Anne x
Hi lgreen
Really glad you have found the forum and thanks for asking such important questions.
You mentioned a bit about your worries of relapse of illness in the future. It's really natural at this stage of recovery to think about your future health. The good news is that for around half of all women who have PP it's their only episode of illness. Some women do have future episodes of depression or bipolar disorder but if this does happen, experience of treatment and recovery from PP can help inform how to manage symptoms quicker.
The impact of PP on relationships is harder to quantify. As Anne said often a partner's own feelings about mental illness/having been in the role of carer can have a huge impact. For me personally, my illness has definitely taken its toll on my partner since we started our family 8 years ago, but we somehow managed to weather these times and to appreciate the family times and wellness more.
How are things for you and your partner going at the moment? I know my partner found counselling just for himself very helpful especially in adjusting after being sole carer for a few months.
Glad you've joined the forum and keep asking for support - we all have different recovery stories and it can be so helpful just to hear the ways people made it through their recovery.
Naomi xx
thanku so so much Anne & Naomi. It feels so good get other people views & experiences. I agree Anne I think some time apart from my partner will be good. He works away alot & I know I am so much more relaxed when hes away but I still lack so much confidence & im concerned how I would cope permanantly on my own with 2 young children but more importantly how I would cope financially!!
I will be living apart from him for several months in the summer when I return to the UK so il see how I feel as things are really bad between us now. I have just started to see a lady here who is a Psychotherapist & shes lovely but she has said shes concerned my relationship problems could cause my mental health to get worse.
I dont feel he was much support to me through PP. He was never around. He was quite happy to leave it up to others to help me through it & when he was around it was just awful falling out. Hes never done any research into PP or taken the opportunity to meet other husbands whos wives suffered PP. I begged him when I was in hospital to meet my friends husband as she also suffered PP & I felt her husband could have offered vital advice to him & helped us get through it 
I agree that it is a real strain on a relationship. It can show big cracks, open wide others that were already there, or help you see breaks you didn't know about and can then repair. My husband really really helped. He was very stressed out by what happened, and as is normal, I have read, had a sort of breakdown, with anxiety and obsessive thoughts, of his own once it was clear I was recovering. Have heard its a good sign of recovery when those who supported you start to relax and allow themselves to feel the stress they repressed so they could help you. He is OK now. Better than me, into meditation, clearer about the need for his own space and own pleasures. We are still working stuff out but for us the awful illness cleared out a lot of problems...I did have some worries as I came out of it that because I am quite a different person now I would feel differently about my husband, and I do, but its positive. There are still problems but think we are both better at asking for what we need. Think perhaps this can also be a common thing after mental health problems; you are often better than when you went in, and you notice negative patterns of relating that you put up with before, perhaps even didn't notice before. And changing those can be hard work and push the relationship onto a new and perhaps unexpected footing. Hope that makes sense.
Your extended answers above seem to suggest you suspect your relationship is beginning to finish? I wouldn't be surprised if PP could really kick a relationship around an awful lot. Best wishes as you find the space and comfort and support you need to walk this well.
Hello I wasn't sure whether to reply but decided to. My relationship with my husband deteriorated and did break down after my episode of PP. I did get married again a few years later and had two more children following katherina daltons progesterone therapy and had no recurrence of pp which was absolutely wonderful. My first marriage was not strong and my husband did not want to stay married to me so it was an amicable split and we remained good friends to this day for the sake of our daughter.
Hi lgreen
Thanks for replying and sorry to hear that things are very strained at the moment. It sounds as though some head space to really think about things in the summer could be very helpful. Relate offer very reasonably priced counselling either for couples or individuals which can help you to weigh things up.
We are here to chat any time you need.
Naomi
thanku girls for all your supportive words xx
Hi Igreen, it's great that you now feel the blinkers are off & you're ready to face what happened. I think having lots of questions & trying to piece everything together is a normal part of recovery that a lot of us went through - it seems to help come to terms with it all. After PP I had so many questions & it took a long time to get answers but gradually, bit by bit, it all got clearer. There're obviously some questions that can't be answered yet though, such as the 'How?' 'Why me?' ones but one day with more research, hopefully we'll have answers to those.
I really understand the worry of a Bipolar diagnosis after PP, especially if you had PP completely out of the blue, but for many PP is their one & only episode. There's a lot of info on the APP website that you might find helpful: app-network.org/ particularly about Bipolar & PP & have a look at the FAQ page.
It's understandable that relationships can be seriously effected after such a severe illness, you've both been through so much! I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment, it must seem like yet another thing on your plate to deal with. Looking back, there can be a fair bit of anger & resentment after PP about how people did/didn't help you, who was/wasn't there for you or how they treatment you etc. & I think this all takes time to come to terms with. I had to give it time, be very patient with myself & try to see things from their perspective.
There are some great comments above that I hope you find helpful & I hope with time & understanding, things will ease up soon. Feel free to ask away here if you've got any more questions we can help you with. x
Hi lgreen
How have things been with you over the last month? I hope you are feeling you've got some more clarity over what steps to take next. It sounds like it had been very stressful for you dealing with the difficulties in your relationship and very hurtful feeling so unsupported during your PP.
We are here if you need a chat any time.
Naomi
