I don't know what happened. Honestly. Yeah, I was a little numb. Kinda sad. Really anxious. But there reason I didn't eat was the nauseous feeling that settled into my bones. It wasn't about calories. So when did it become about calories? Why does my brain echo "fat" and "thigh gap" in a never ending way? Why do I have an unshakable desire to be able to see my bones through my skin? To be able to trace my ribs? And it's not a sickness. I'm not thin enough for it to be a sickness. I just want it. So badly. And I didn't a month ago. But the constant screaming in my head and the skinny pretty girls at the mall. I want that. I was to be able to wrap my fingers around my arms and have them touch. I want thin thighs and a tiny waist and a sharp collarbone. I want the jagged shadows being all bone and muscle. But I also don't. I don't want to lose control. And I don't want to be the girl that disappears when she turns sideways. But I do. I don't understand it.