eating disorder?

[dovahkovu]

i dont know if i should put this here, since im new.

but i think i have an eating disorder. it all started in 2014 where the last straw broke with me and my self image. i weighed almost 200 pounds back when.

im 5'7, female, and i think i weigh around 140-50 as of late 2015,, im not sure what i am now. ive been too scared to weigh myself recently.

im still on the edge about my weight and my self image, and i dislike my body very much, no matter how much weight ive lost. i dont care. i want to be skinny like my friends are. i cant see myself as beautiful even though everyone else says i am. every time i look in the mirror, my body just looks ugly.

im not bone thin. i may be a little heavy for how short i am, in fact.

anyways, early 2015 i started going to the gym with my dad.

i started worrying about what i was eating around.. september.

thats when all hell broke loose for me in those terms.

eating started becoming this thing for me that just awful and stressful

i love food

there isnt a food out there that i hate, save for olives and pickles.

im not a picky eater now, but

back in october, i started eating very little.

sometimes i wouldnt eat at all. i went two days without eating once. i was just too busy.

but now, i can barely control myself. food is comfort for me

i feel like i just need to eat

and i have been trying to watch what i eat, sure, calories and such, trying to get around 1800 calories a day since im not really active.

if i eat over that i feel disgusting.

if i eat at all, i never feel like i made the right choice.

i go to sleep just so i can eat in the morning, and its awful.

i stress over how much i eat all the time, though its probably not that bad.

but whenever i convince myself its not that bad, i found out it is.

i just dont know how to fix my bad relationship with food, and i dont know how to explain it.

can i just have someone to talk to?

[Agora1]

Hello dovahkova, welcome and yes you are in the right group. I am the mother of a 27y.o. daughter with an ED. There are many others who will be able to respond to your needs and questions regarding the bad relationship you have with food. People who have experienced it themselves. It's a little quiet on the weekend but know that someone will be reaching out to you very shortly. I'm glad you found us. x

[crazycrossstitcher]

I can understand your feelings and its great you've found this site where you are able to share these. Its good you are aware of your problem - that's a huge first step. You might find it helpful to visit the websites Anorexia & Bulimia Care or BEAT - they also have support lines where you can chat direct to someone. If you feel able - it might be good to talk to your GP as there is specialist help - eating disorders, from my experience as a sufferer - are not something you can tackle alone - but with the right help there is an answer. I do hope you find someone to support you - but keep posting - we're here.

[Ciarli]

Your bulimia is like all the others. Due to your gloom mood about the world. The life starts to become none and the none conquers your time. Maybe the bulimics are right, maybe this planet is a garbage love of insects, but at this time the nerves, that are of natural energy like not organic(planet) energy start to close, the load(the stress accumulated load) goes up and you start to feel a breakdown in the primary energy of your nerves and you seem yourself out of control and in panic, and the urge to eat become like the urge of the child to drink mother milk, and so you cant resist. Try to find and fill your empty time, with something creative and I dont force you to sing a grasshopper song of heare't to kill the emptiness.

[dovahkovu in reply to Ciarli]

what a strange reply. helpful, but strange.

[Agora1 in reply to Ciarli]

What??