Two very respectable ladies were driving into town. One of them couldn't get comfortable and she turned to the other and said" Do you ever get a pain in the backside and what do you do about it"?
"Oh yes", the other one said "Every morning. I usually drop him off at the golf club"!
Explorer in the jungle gets a bad attack of Montezuma's Revenge so goes to the local witch doctor. Man takes out a long thin strip of leather, dips it in a strange green liquid and instructs explorer to chew on this and if not better by the time the leather is gone to go back and see him. After two days he is still ill so goes back . Witch doctor looks at him and says ----" Oh you mean the thong is ended but the malady lingers on .."
Well you started it!
Very good Ian. I've been racking my brain trying to think of one I heard that's a little similar.
Husband is in bed and wife stood in front of mirror.
Wife - I went to the doctors today
Husband - Did he say anything about your fat arse
Wife - No he didn't mention you
😳
Don’t you just hate it when we get posts “off topic”
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.
Doctor: How long have you felt like this?
Patient: Since I was a puppy.
Or..
A woman went to her doctor’s office with a seemingly incurable case of hiccups. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”
Hehe
😂😂
Track, trace ‘n isolate?.......
My favourite ever joke is about the old lady who had two pet monkeys on whom she doted . One dark winter night they got out to play in the snow but being from a warm climate they perrished in the cold. Heart broken she took the two to a taxidermist so she could keep them for all time. "Yes madam would you like them mounted" he said. "Oh no" replied the old lady. "just holding hands".
Bob’s monkey joke has reminded me of this one ...
Bill has to deliver a monkey to a zoo, but on the way his car breaks down. He calls a breakdown service but in the meantime a kindly motorist, John, stops to help.
Bill asks John if he’ll take the monkey to the zoo for him and gives him £30 to cover his time and costs.
Three hours later Bill is still waiting for the breakdown service and sees John passing the opposite way. John stops and Bill notices he still has the monkey in his car. When Bill asks what happened John says “I took him to the zoo, but had some money left over, so now I’m taking him to the cinema”.
Spurted my tea out there Hilly down my tee shirt !! Xxx
Lol! This post brightened up a wet gloomy Sunday!
*CONTEMPORARY KIDDING*
🦸🏻♂- Not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a Bank, wearing a mask and asking for money.
✋🏻🤚🏻- Never thought my hands will one day consume more alcohol than my liver...ever!
💀- Quarantine seems like a Netflix series...just when you think it is over, they release the next season.
😷- I’m starting to like this mask thing...went to the supermarket and two people that I owe money to didn’t recognize me.
📆- Who was complaining that 2020 didn’t have enough holidays...now what?
😜- I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive in excess weight!
👨👩👧👦- Can someone tell me if the 2nd quarantine will be with the same family...or we can change?
🖥- In just two weeks we will hear if there still two more weeks to let us know that two more weeks of quarantine are needed...
⏳- I’m not planning adding this 2020 to my age...I didn’t even use it!
😟- We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it.
🙎🏻♀- To all the ladies that were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them... how are you doing?
🚰- My washing machine only accepts pajamas...I put a pair of jeans and a message came “stay home”!😷🏠
💉- After all that we have been through, the only thing missing is that the vaccine will be available only in suppository form.
👨🦱👩🏼🦱- I feel like a teenager... no money in my wallet, hair long and out of control, thinking what to do with my life, and grounded home.
Smile, release stress, and be safe!☺️
The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.The Pope leans towards Trump and says
“Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every
person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll
forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
Trump replied, "Serious? With one wave of your
hand?...show me."
So the Pope gave him a fat slap.
More of the above... these are what we all need right now. 😂
Wife looking in big mirror doesn't like what she sees asks husband to say something nice to her he says your eyesight is perfect.
Love it!!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt .
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What in the world are ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob . "But me ’n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Don’t make me come splain this to you, jus read that last line again, slowly!
Took a while for the penny to drop, but it did, very good.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU should LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
Nice one, well told.
Psychiatrist draws a horizontal line: "What do you see here?"
Patient: "A naked lady laying down."
Psychiatrist draws a vertical line: "What do you see here?"
Patient: "A naked lady standing up."
Psychiatrist draws a 90 degree angle: "What do you see here?"
Patient: "A naked lady sitting down."
Psychiatrist: "You sure have a dirty mind."
Patient: "What do you mean me? You're the one drawing all of the dirty pictures."
Not Happy!
Happy Rockin' Christmas
Happy New Year to all
Happy Christmas one and all
Happy Christmas everyone
