Who to tell ?

[reconjj]

Good Morning All , Since I was Dx with Stage 4 , Oligo this past December . My wife , 5 kids and 2 very close friends only know of my original Dx and the recent progression . My Wife has 6 siblings that she wants to share my Dx with. She really dont talk to them very much anyway . And I just dont want everyone to know my disease . Ok my Wife might need to vent but we have the 5 kids she talks to everyday . My father is 97 in good Health and does not know anything at all . It would literally kill him if he knew of my cancer or if I would die before him . So is it wrong to tell my Wife not to tell anyone outside our tight circle ? Thanks

[MateoBeach]

It is normal and instinctively protective to keep the knowledge of your diagnosis to your closest circle at first. It takes time to come to grips with the implications for oneself and closest family. The reactions of others is unpredictable. Some long time close friends might pull back and become politely distant. It is not that they don’t care, but rather they may find such a diagnosis somehow threatening to themselves. This is very disappointing but it does happen. Happened to me. Requires understanding and compassion on our part. That is why it is often better to give it some time for you to become more solid and less vulnerable within yourself with this new reality. Later you will likely be at ease in sharing it as it actually gives you the opportunity to share and be more present with others about this journey. And it also makes our relationships with other cancer survivors/warriors so rich and supportive. That is an important part of the gifts of this forum for us. Paul

[Javelin18]

I think the decision is entirely up to you, there isn't a right or wrong. I told my siblings, and neighbor friends early on, but took about a year to tell other friends. I finally came to the thought that I wouldn't want to hurt them by dying without telling them.

It's not an easy conversation to have. I finally told people that it was okay to share the nees with others.

[Javelin18 in reply to Javelin18]

I think if telling will lessen the burden for you, or someone else, then it would be good to tell them.

[chickgreen]

You gotta be yourself. If you feel the need to keep this quiet, then thats what you do. I'm the opposite - I tell complete strangers, and then try to convince them of the need to have regular PSA tests, because I don't want them to become like me.

[keepinon]

I told my family and a couple of close friends. It didn't take long for everybody that knew me to know about my diagnosis. This was fine by me. Got a lot of "praying for you" and "sorry to hear". Also, "you look good". If you do not want people to know, be careful who you tell!

[Magnus1964]

I felt the same way about telling people when I was first diagnosed. But telling other supplies support.

[NotAlwaysSunshine]

We told everyone about the stage 4 PC, and we are glad we did. All of my husband's friends and relatives have circled back to their own physicians and a couple of them have PC. They are a great support group to eachother. All of my husband's siblings have the same genetic mutation and they all have a differnent type cancer. Consider checking for genetic mutations - your kids can inherit a mutation from either parent or both. Sharing is up to you. We have the best support system - So very thankful

[shuckymesh62]

We kept it from our adult daughters for as long as we could. When we did tell them, they were very angry that we didn't tell them sooner, and rightly so. If I were you, I would tell your father. He has a right to know. He needs time to prepare.

[Hidden in reply to shuckymesh62]

I agree ! 🎯

[addicted2cycling]

I told everybody !!! and have even brought up my diagnosis with complete strangers.

[Hidden in reply to addicted2cycling]

Ive done that more than once myself! 😳

[JamesHughs]

It’s a personal decision, but in looking back I wished that I would have kept it to my wife and daughter. It just worries people. My stage 4 got out out at work and it’s a mess. I plan on living a long time and don’t need people giving me the “poor Jim” looks and conversations. Just my story.

[Canoehead]

You have to do what you are comfortable with. I’ve had a good response to treatment (so far) and felt I needed to make myself a resource for others. I’m glad I’ve taken that route, but confess I have seen my openness sometimes make some people uncomfortable. But I’ve also had people call me, asking for the most basic advice and reassurance after their own diagnosis. I just believe that keeping the realities of cancer in plain view will help with funding for research, trials, etc. PCa sufferers owe a lot to the women who have battled breast cancer (docetaxel being an example), and the willingness of that community to be vocal has, IMO, contributed to the significant progress that has been made against that disease.

[Tall_Allen]

It's up to you, of course. But hiding it gives it power over you.

As far as you know, you are cured. Why not share the good news?

[Nusch]

When I was dx in 11/2017 I decided spontaneously, only to tell my parents, my wife and my kids. I told them, that‘s my wish to keep it among us. They fulfill my wish since then. My thoughts were that I wanted to remain a normal member of my friends and other relatives, focus on healing and not being asked on every occasion how I feel, which therapies I‘m running through etc. It worked out perfectly, I live a normal life, meet my friends, get criticized like everybody else, have to perform my friendship duties and so on. If I would have to make a decision again, I would do it exactly the same manner.

[Hidden]

It’s your life Sir! Do as you wish . My mom is 95 and knows my plight from the start . She wrote me off and jacked up a life insurance policy on me she had since I was a kid . from a $12 k payout to $1mill . She’s waiting to get paid . Maybe that’s what’s keeping her alive in assisted living ? Dreams of wealth on her sons head? . There was no hiding it for me . I had tubes out of my back for over a year . There was no hiding that either . Most thought me a goner ..

[MarkBC]

It is a personal decision and we should each do what we are comfortable with. I am very open about my cancer with everybody. I see it as a way to educate others about prostate cancer.

My diagnosis has brought me closer to all my friends and family. If you only tell a few people, others are bound to hear about it eventually and will be upset that you didn't confide in them. Some people don't know what to say so may become distant. By being the first to "break the ice", you can keep those friendships growing.

I highly recommend being fully open and honest.

[London441]

Completely personal decision obviously. I tell who I want and don’t try to control where it goes from there, a simple approach that works for me. I’m the one who has it. This is truth! Others can experience the ‘news’ in their own way, talk to me, whatever they want.

I tell ‘everybody’, more to encourage PSA testing/early detection among those applicable than anything else. But I would never judge anyone’s path on this one!

[dadzone43]

Nope. It is YOUR story to share or not.

[SteveTheJ]

IMHO of course. Yes, it's wrong to withhold it. You might think it would "kill him" but what about honesty and truth? OTOneH, don't go around wearing a T-shirt that says "I have stage 4 cancer" but OTOH, immediate friends and family should know.

Take your time, do it at your own pace and in your own way, but tell them.

I waited a while to tell co-workers because why do they need to know? They'll just feel like it's a burden. And truly, after some initial expressions of understanding, nobody ever asks me anymore how I'm doing. (Some of my more outlier friends too, they act as if nothing had changed.) However, I still felt better after having shared it with them.

To me the key is, don't expect sympathy; don't ask for sympathy here on this forum where there are nothing but total strangers. Tell them because you care about them and you want them to know. They'll respond positively. If they never ask you for an update, so be it, but tell the people you care about. In your own time, in your own way.

[Boonster]

Follow your instincts. If your instincts lead you to indecision, then wait. They will let you know when it's time, and who you take into your confidence.

[Boywonder56]

To mirror anothr if you want to hear" well you look good".....or you dont look like you have cancer....tell.....i myself became for awhile the prostate apostle encouraging my friends...and others men i met to get psa ck'd....at minimum......no their number....as a result 2 were dx ' d early and thank me with my favorite irish whisky on their dx anniverseries.....win ...win.....

[caysary]

Discernment pays off. My dad was 97 and in great health but when he died and I look back I am glad I never told him about my Dx.

[Neathuh1]

I tell many people but not all, just depends on the situation. Word usually gets around regardless. When I tell them I can put a positive spin on it. When they hear about it from others they tend to briefly feel sorry for me which is NOT what I, or any of us, want. And truthfully, most people are more concerned with their athlete’s foot than your cancer! 😂

[cancerfox in reply to Neathuh1]

Your last line, "And truthfully, most people are more concerned with their athlete’s foot than your cancer!" is right on mark. Even my own older brother rarely asks me how I'm doing, but instead tells me about his prostate cancer developments and other health issues. And the few people that know about my situation and mention it usually just keep saying "I hope you are feeling better" and then change the subject to something else. Which is fine with me. 😁

[GreenStreet]

It’s a tricky and personal decision. I have told many people but not others including my 94 year old father who I want to protect.

[j-o-h-n]

Except for my doctors.... Everyone else Knows....(including Robo callers).....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Sunday 05/29/2022 7:35 PM DST

[rogerandme]

Only close friends and family know… my elderly mother in law lost two daughters one of them my wife and four siblings to cancer so I don’t see the need to tell her she’s suffered enough… oh and she lost her husband a year ago to Covid….

[SpencerBoy11]

After the initial shock and being told that I wasn't a candidate for surgery, I was pissed at being attacked by PCa at such a late age--82. I tell everyone about it to forewarn them what can happen. I give seminars and hand out materials on PCa. I know that I have helped some in our community. There is no denial once your have your Dx. No need to tell those who won't be affected, but there is no shame because you have it. You never know who you may help when it is discussed.

[Teacherdude72]

FYI: I am 7yrs in with G9 Oligo. Now 74.While keeping Cancer a secret feels right for you, as many do, think of your wife and the support she needs that you cannot provide.

Also you need more support than she can offer/provide.

Councilor's can help but friends and family are better.

Will be emotionally challenging at first but well worth the effort.

PM me for more please.