I am not sure how to overcome my own lack of growth. I have done CBT therapy and some other therapy (not sure what kind), medication for adhd, online coaching group, read books, made charts, etc etc etc.I learn "what" to do ... So I cannot say I don't know. And yet I am still unemployed, a terrible housekeeper, not living up to my responsibility and so my spouse is rightfully angry. I try to be a good parent, but my disorganization and forgetfulness affects my child.
I don't know how to feel anything positive about myself when I let myself down, and others? I want to be someone my family is proud of. I cannot "just do it" even though I know that's the only solution to every problem I create! I truly want to get off the pity train. My therapist told me know one could do or say anything to "help" me, and I know that is true. I think Inam going to end up divorced and alone. I already have no friends because I can't maintain anything. Has anyone been in the spot like this? I want to be confident and take action, but I don't really have anything to feel confident about. Ugh
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AmelieP
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I know this is difficult, but try not to be so hard on yourself. I think something that you might be missing in the process is the acknowledgement of what is ADHD driven in your life. This has helped me tremendously and I've gone from negative self-talking and thinking, to positive identification and corrective steps. The way you start this is by identifying what ADHD symptom is affecting your current behavior. We have quite a few symptoms that either prevent us from starting something, completing something or simply moving on to something else. Understand those symptoms (great resources online) and then start labeling those events in your head. When I know I need to clean house or pay bills, but can't, I know that is ADHD Symptom, Pathological Demand Avoidance. When I do something that will get me into trouble or say something stupid, I know that is ADHD Symptom, Risky Behavior.
What this does is take the blame off you because the reality is that it's not your fault. You have a physical handicap. The ADHD brain is actually smaller than the neurotypical brain and because of that, your brain has to figure out how to get your signal from point A to point B (Pre-frontal Cortex). The brain areas your signals pass through all want their own attention, so that's where the distractions come in. This is why having your medication correct is so important. If you compare it to someone who has lost a leg (Yes, it's comparable), it makes you realize that you need a prosthetic for the brain. That prosthetic is medication...the right medication.
We need to be okay with who we are because it is a lifetime for us. We can hack our brains with the right medication and understanding of our symptoms.
I feel similarly. I've always been unemployed and an inadequate wife but I get most upset when it effects the kids. There's no treatment available where I am and medication didn't work on me, so although my diagnosis at age 46 was revelatory nothing has really changed.
The hardest thing is dealing with a constant feeling I'm bad a everything. I'm clever enough to be aware of how not clever I am, good at enough at some things to know how much better I should be. I'm aware of things but forget eveything.
I know other people who are worse than me at all these things but they don't seem to be aware of their shortcomings. I don't know everyone copes with their neurodiversity, but it "not being my fault" doesn't make me feel any better. When I'm getting my arse kicked in kung fu, I don't think anyone thinks " it's not her fault she's been overwhelmed bc of her ADHD" they just see me drowning, it's embarrassing.
I can relate to your post on the opposite end, Im the non adhd spouse but see and hear my husband going thru exactly what you said. For years and years before his diagnoses I admit I often wondered what is wrong with him why he cant finish things, why he cant remember the daily routine that needs to be done, etc etc Eventually he was getting down on himself calling himself stupid and inept about anything, feeling he had no skills at life, no friends but me, on and on. He wanted a divorce because he knew I would be better off without him. We finally went to the Dr, got diagnosed and now we are both learning why its so hard for him. It helps me see him differently and is helping me to be a better person I feel. Im learning new patience, understanding, how to coax him into doing something more than just saying "forget it, I will do it myself" I did that forever and now that we know, Im trying a better approach. He too felt he had nothing to contribute, isnt good at anything, but he forgets, he has a big heart, he worries more about me putting up with him than he does himself, hes kept his job for 30 plus years, he says its due to routine so we are making more routines at home. Its not easy but it kills me to hear him be so down on himself. He hates that he missed out on so much education and growth as a young person by not getting help before now, but hes is working on finding confidence in himself of knowing now why and what we can do to work with it.
So Im not sure if this helps, but I think you are a good person, just like he is, thats important. Maybe you can find your confidence in knowing about your adhd, embrace it and find a way to work with it too. Besides, none of us are perfect and I think we all have things we just have to accept about ourselves and be happy with. You got this !!
Read my comment above. As a 58 year old male who was diagnosed later in life. Symptom Identification and Labeling (Acknowledgment) helped me tremendously. Most ADHD men need to understand the science behind why something happens. My ADHD Psychiatrist is an professor at Stanford University and I meet with him weekly for therapy and my medication management. During those sessions, I have learned how the brain works and what parts of the brain are responsible for what symptoms along with how my brain signals got to each place. There is lots of information online with brain maps that show how the ADHD brain works. Those of us with ADHD tend to hyperfocus on stuff like this, so I am pretty sure your husband will find this entertaining and pretty much amazing. Once you know how things are working and you can identify each symptom, then he will start figuring out how to "hack" the brain, so to speak. It's in our nature to want to fix things and we tend to get obsessed with this type of thing. The brain is no different.
Good Luck to you and your husband. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out.
Its been a whole learning process for both of us, thank you for your input! Gives a whole new meaning to the concept of accepting people as they are. Im amazed how many people are being diagnosed later in life, for him it was around 60 and he was afraid it was going to be a Dementia diagnosis since his dad did have it, but not until his 80's. I now see the why in so many issues with us and am working myself on handling them differently. Funny Ive always been a list maker, an organizer and used to make honey to do lists back when we were first together, he hated them ! So I quit doing it, and now he begs me for them, there was one of our first signs right?
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