Now what

[Uncpch]

So I have made it this far but feel lucky to be where I am at, I have a wife who has not divorced me and a daughter who will still talk to me but through years of untreated ADHD I have done damage to my family life. I have been defensive and always feel picked on. I feel like I am always failing and not good enough. I have been seeing a therapist on and off for the last 18 years and it wasn't until last year someone finally said I think you have ADHD. I have read all the information on executive function and it was eye opening, all of the problems I have had and struggles I have had, I wish I knew long ago so I could have started working on this sooner. I am trying hard to turn things around and be a better husband, father and person but my wife thinks I am being selfish and only working on myself. Both my wife and my daughter think I am a good person but I lack in empathy and do a very poor job of making them feel better. I did start on medication which is definitely helping with my focus and I am trying to equip myself with coping mechanisms and tools...

Where do I start? How should I feel? How do I make them feel better?

[BLC89]

Hello Uncpch,My husband's story is similar to yours. He didn't figure out he had ADHD until we got our daughter and son diagnosed, he was 45 when we figured it out.

One thing that has had a big impact for some clients is writing a note to your loved ones. Thank them for sticking with you and let them know you are working on things, learning lots and doing the best you can with what you know. Also acknowledging that you understand it was not easy dealing with you in past years. You don't have to apologize(unless egregious) you didn't know what you were up against, but acknowledging that you know they had a rough time too can go a long way.

As best you can be kind to yourself. Share ADHD information with them so they can better understand also. Your wife may feel you're being selfish but working to understand yourself better is anything but selfish. It is the kindest gift you can give yourself and them.

Untangling all the messaging you have consumed over the years takes time.

Talk to them, be honest with them and hopefully you can all learn together and support each other on this new phase of the journey.

You asked where to start, what part of ADHD is the most interesting to you? Brain science, medication, natural interventions? What wakes up your curiosity? Start there.

As you make changes, as hard as this may be, take it slow (not a strong suit of ADHD) make little manageable changes and do just one new thing at a time. That method will give you the best chance at having new habits stick as opposed to trying to change lots of stuff at once.

This is not easy or quick - wish I knew a way it could be. You are a clever creative person, as you learn more those attributes will start to shine and progress will speed up. As best you can relax and offer yourself and those around you kindness at every turn.

Hang in they and keep us posted😄

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.

[Puggybear in reply to BLC89]

I agree with everything you have said. I am also married to ADHD, 30 plus years and raised 3 children, all on the spectrum. May I ask your qualifications for becoming an ADHD coach? Is there a certification process or degree you require?

[BLC89 in reply to Puggybear]

I went thru Martha Beck Wayfinding program to become a general life coach then have taken 64CE credits thru PESI for ADHD certification + life experience and lots and lots of reading & webinars. And I have a BA from UofWa

[FocusAndFlow]

I hear you, brother. I'm in the same boat in that I'm 51 and I got diagnosed right before turning 50. The only main difference, and it is a big one, is that I cannot take any Rx. It made me super angry, emotional and unstable and even affected my balance during the day (?) and it gave me chronic insomnia, so I had to discontinue both times I tried due to the fact that my brain was literally dying after 9 nights without sleep. Yes, twice.

All that said, I can tell you a bit about what I have found in researching this obsessively and finding natural ways to improve my focus and ability to execute, which, unfortunately, got way, way worse after taking Ritalin the first time. Hence, I'm on this perpetual 'comeback story' to get back to a normal life and looking for work (7 months now).

1. Sleep hygiene - I strongly recommend you listen to Andrew Huberman's podcast on sleep and his sleep toolkit. That man taught me how to sleep again and it literally saved my life. Without better sleep, anything else you do during the day will have little positive effect.

2. Diet - I got rid of all simple carbs, no more alcohol, although I only had a glass of wine with dinner routinely. Believe me, I do miss it, but the couple of times I've broken down and had one, I've felt rather sick and got bad sleep. You get used to it and you start appreciating it.

3. Exercise - Go out on walks in nature for a good hour, three times per week at a minimum. It does relax the ADHD mind and has synergistic effects with being able to fall asleep later in the evening. Getting out to get sunrise light, specifically, in your eyes is crucial for your circadian rhythm. It will knock you out come bed time.

4. Meditation - I never, ever in my life even thought about learning about meditation, but it has some incredible benefits. It's a bit esoteric, so you have to be open minded, however, I'll try to illustrate. As a hobby, I'm a singer in my church choir. Being a tenor, I like singing high notes, but I have a naturally low voice, so I can sing bass as well. In order to sing the high notes well, you need to stretch your vocal chords by singing as low as possible as well. That gives you a smooth voice all the way up and is part of the building blocks of good sound production and good singing. The parallel here is that with emotional dysregulation, we're always 'singing the high notes' in our lives, uncontrollably so, and anythings sets us off. Meditation would be the low notes in this analogy, which helps us to regulate mood, energy management and, just like achieving a smoother sound throughout the whole singing range, it helps immensely to achieve better FLOW throughout the day. I'm calmer, on average, and the highs can be highs, but not out of control highs, and they have started becoming a tad enjoyable again, versus a reason to be on edge all the time. I recommend reading Jack Kornfield's "Meditation for Beginners" first. Yes, skip the hippy-dippy stuff and focus on the mechanics as you get going. It's surprisingly easy, yet it requires daily discipline. Then I would read Amishi Jha's "Peak Mind", which will explain to you on a more neurological basis what happens in the brain and puts it in more practical terms.

5. Research - Supplements, timing them, what other supplements and vitamins are good for you, talk to your doctor in case you're taking any prescriptions, etc. to ensure you're not engaging in anything risky. Bottom line, there are a number of things out there like Saffron Extract, Gingko Biloba and Panax Ginseng that I take every day and wow do they help. I also leverage my coffee intake by only having it in the morning, and a very specific amount. This allows the quarter life to expire so I can go to sleep at night as well. You'll start discovering that all these things, tools, behaviours, etc. are all related and can become synergistic, so long as you are disciplined about a daily routine.

6. Pursue your passion - I have been doing a lot of reading doing what I call "MeSearch", which is research on ADHD and how to get better. If you're a musician, you paint, you like tinkering in the garage, whatever it is, do it and get your hands busy. It will unlock your movement and your brain and your cognitive processes. I know, I know - The Wall of Awful makes it impossible to get started sometimes. It used to be all the time, so that's progress, and that brings me to the last, critical suggestion

7. Self-Compassion - Learn what that means to you and begin to practice it every day in the little things. This is another one I'd never heard of nor thought about. It's been a year now understanding how much I beat up on myself, and I have to tell you, given how I've seen me behave and think toward myself, I'm not surprised my wife and girls stopped engaging with me as well. The subtle changes in behaviour, bolstered by better sleep, diet, supplementation and self-compassion have resulted in me having conversations with them again, and frank ones at that, about ADHD, and I have become much better about making it succinct and focusing on myself to be a better man. Then, with time, the comments and the appreciation start coming back your way, but you need to be patient. Only unsolicited positive feedback is real and true and it takes time.

Believe me, your family will notice you doing all these things and will sense a general decrease in size of the black cloud hanging over your head as it does mine, metaphorically speaking, and on some days here and there, it may even start getting replaced by nice rays of sunlight through a nice, light white cloud showing you all His glory.

I would normally sign off with Godspeed, but when it comes to adult ADHD, it's infinitely more appropriate to say:

Godslow.

On day, breath, thought, meal, activity at a time.