Hello! I am a 32 year old wife, mom of 2 (10 year old son with adhd and 4 year old girl I suspect also has adhd), and therapist. I constantly feel like I don’t know how to manage it all. After work I just wanna be quiet and alone. I constantly have mom guilt that I’m not doing enough and not spending enough time with the kids. If I don’t get alone time I’m miserable. I feel like I never get enough time alone. My husband feels neglected and tells me I never talk to him or spend time with him. I don’t know how to manage all these expectations and relationships. Ironic that I’m a therapist and can’t handle all this. There are times I just can’t function and I shut down. The mental burn out makes me feel like I’m in slow motion and I want to cry. I feel like I’m always letting either my kids or my husband down. I have no sex drive and feel guilty about that. He will say things like “you just gotta be an adult.” “I’m tired too” “that’s just an excuse” . I’m at a loss and feel like I’m always failing. Any other working moms feel this way?
Struggling working wife/mom - CHADD's ADHD Wome...
Struggling working wife/mom
I don't have kids but I can relate to that feeling of guilt about shutting down and needing more time alone. I was sleeping up to 17 hours a day in college and still felt like I needed more. One big thing that helped me was doing more things that I felt like doing even though I felt like I didn't deserve it. You could invite your family along for a walk or out to ice cream or whatever it is that YOU feel like doing-- it might give you more of a sense of control in your busy life. Mindfulness also really really helped me. It only takes 10 minutes and it literally shrinks your amygdala so you will react more calmly to stress over time!
i definitely get what you are feeling. I work as a sped teacher and so i get over socialized at work too and just want to veg after work. IF it is possible, try to work fewer hours. IF not, you can schedule out time together weekly and time away. One of my favorite things to do on my birthday was to get a hotel for a night. It helped immensely for my social recharge.
As for the sex, it’s not your job to please him. It’s his job to deal with his own desires. However, try to do something intimate (touching, making out, etc) regularly so he knows you still desire him. You can also surprise him with something he likes sometimes. It’s also good for kids to see you two still love each other. I couldn’t have sex for 6 years with my partner because I was going through reconstruction and physical therapy after my daughter was born. My partner was feeling g neglected because I wasn’t intimate in any way (I would have a panic attack thinking any intimacy would lead to sex pain). It helped just talking about it and still doing intimate things knowing it didn’t always lead to sex.
As for the working part… I was doing traditional brick and mortar/in person schools and it burned me out so much. The tertiary trauma of my students really got to me and my social anxiety with peers and supervisors was through the roof. This year I went and started working virtually and it has helped my burnout immensely. The team is also amazing for they are all neurodivergent and accepting for all of our needs. It’s like the virtual setting helps my anxieties and allows me to have my impulses but not show them, and know I’m not judged. May I ask if your therapies are in person or virtual and how that environment is affecting you in particular?
Hope this helps, zen 🫂 hugs
I hear you so much on this. I think it does get better as the kids get older (mine are 8 and 16) and I can explain my needs and mental state more. The marriage piece, too, but we’ve both needed individual and couples therapy to get to a good place. It sounds like your husband may need education on neurodiversity and what it means for you.
But it’s just hard. So many demands and the overwhelm and burnout feels impossible. Hugs.
