How to allow for personal space for ADHD 9yo daughter who still gets into everything…

[anothermother]

My oldest (9y daughter) is increasingly wishing for more space away from her younger siblings: 6y & 4y brother plus the 2y sister with whom she shares a room.

We homeschool. So, for starters, there’s that. Also, our bedrooms are upstairs while our playroom and living spaces are downstairs. We’re pretty much only upstairs from bedtime until we get up in the morning. The kids aren’t allowed to play upstairs because I’m not able to monitor them closely enough or respond quickly enough when they start fighting.

Until recently, we didn’t allow toys upstairs (with the exception of a lovey to snuggle with) since we have always used our bedrooms for sleeping only. However, when we moved our youngest out of the nursery and split the boys and girls between the two kids rooms, we decided to let them each have a few toys in their rooms. The boys are early risers (usually between 5-5:30), so they have a bin of toys to play with until it’s time for us to head downstairs together for breakfast. And my girls have some dolls and a dollhouse in their room.

The issues are:

1) still at 9, my eldest has a very difficult time respecting other folks belongings and staying out of stuff she’s not supposed to get into (for example, bathroom cabinet stuff, my personal items, my sewing/craft closet etc). We’ve had to put combination locks and padlocks on closets and chests to try and keep her out of things. This child broke so many “child proof” locks before she even turned 2 that I just gave up on them.

2) she gets into stuff she’s simply not supposed to have upstairs/in her room (eg paints, she makes potions from shampoos, essentials of y the homeschool program is at the oils, face creams or any other items she finds and leaves them in various pots or jars all over the place: her closet, under the bed, in dresser drawers…)

I am struggling to create a space where she can have some much needed separation from her younger siblings. This is made harder for me because I grew up in a very small house which we often were sharing with extended family, so I myself didn’t really have the luxury of privacy (not that I really minded being the major extrovert that I am) and it feels “privileged” to be so concerned about this. That said, she can be dangerously aggressive, so I feel like creating this space for her (where she can be less tested and triggered by her siblings) is in everyone’s best interest.

Any suggestions?

Maybe if I could manage setting a timer to go up and actually check on her regularly and often that would be sufficient. I also have adhd plus the four kids and being home/together ALL THE TIME, so the reality is I get very distracted and forgetful… I’m also a verbal processor, so I probably just needed to work this out by typing it out and sharing.

[Onthemove1971]

What you are describing in your child's behavior is very common for children with ADHD. While I don't have much to say about space in your house, I can say it is very important to support her with the right tools so she can learn to deal with the struggles related to ADHD.

These tools are : therapy, educational plan and or medication. Have these tools will help everyone in the house.

Good luck

[anothermother in reply to Onthemove1971]

We’ve got those bases covered, thanks! I know these are typical adhd struggles, and that’s why I came to the adhd group to see if any other parents have advice for how to support our kids’ need for space when having to navigate these types of challenges. Family and friends with nt kids just can’t relate, so I thought I’d try crowdsourcing an audience who gets it to see if anyone here could share tips or suggest ideas we haven’t already thought of or tried. Also, sometimes it’s just nice to get an “I feel you” from people who get it 🤷🏼‍♀️