A project completed

[Dragonfly32]

I have to say it took me a lot longer then expected, though it's a small step it felt great completing a project! I hope this helps everyone to know there is a way and we will make it through even through the most difficult of times!☺️

[Hidden]

looks lovely well done you thanks for the photo

[Dragonfly32 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you!! How are you feeling today?

[Hidden in reply to Dragonfly32]

When the meds wear off its full on until bed time tonight my hands are getting worse with numbness and tingling still waiting to see a specialist.

Thank you for asking

[Dragonfly32 in reply to Hidden]

Oh my! It's so difficult I hope you got some sleep! I know when your in so much pain sleep is interrupted and that's healing in itself (sleep) I have a lot of restless nights. Let me know what the specialist says, tell them everything! So you get clear answers, I learned that with Dr. They seem to just wanna shrug things off sometimes. I hope your feeling better today or at least have a little relief!😊

Andrea

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It's my feet and toes also numb and tingling forgot to say that sleep only with the help of amitriptyline it soon wears off and during the day it's full on pain leg spasms too seen 3 specialist and they keep saying I need to see someone else the last one said its peripheral neuropathy not had any nerve tests yet that's next lower back pain too feel like a old man only 44 and my body hurts so much .

Sorry for the long post just feel so down

Paul

Thank you for the reply

[Dragonfly32 in reply to Hidden]

Paul,

I'm sorry your having a difficult day, it makes it so much worse when you feel down, and not sleeping just adds to it. I was taking amitriptalyne to, now I'm taking restiril, I think sometimes medications work sometimes they don't. Maybe they can do the nerve tests and will know more about what's causing this. I hope you get some sleep tonight!

Andrea

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Was awake all night thinking what day was I seeing the GP again was it today or tommorrow I did write it down but can't remember it have too ring up again I'm having trouble with my memory passwords I have to change all the time as I forgot them

So fed up of being in pain all the time everyday is the same

I take my mind off things that worry me but it's in the back of. My mind is this forever ? I just do t know the long term out come

Thank you for caring

[Dragonfly32 in reply to Hidden]

It can really dictate everything in your life, constant pain is shattering. No sleep just amplifies it, your not alone I was up all night to. Those nights I swear I think of some pretty terrible things because your deprived of life essentially, you just exist and hurt. While each day repeats itself. Maybe for your passwords always try and make a note of the change, I'm really bad about that to. I think when you get more prognosis it will help so very much.

Did you go to the Dr? Or is that today?

Andrea

[Hidden]

I got your reply at 5.30 am and thought she awake too it's awful not sleeping I was awake for most of it too the pain in hands and legs was so tired too I stayed up too 12am and was waiting for the drugs to work but it was taking so long an I was tired never came at all my mind was racing fast with everything so on hard now to switch off and try to relax to sleep but it never came at all

Today is the doctors lol I rang early yesterday

Paul

[Dragonfly32 in reply to Hidden]

Oh my! I know no sleep is maddening yes I was awake lol!! I have the same problem my mind races the mess work or they don't. It's hard to have a good positive mind frame when it's time to start the day. It's lonely at night you feel like everyone else is fast asleep pain free. But your not alone! Hope the Dr visit goes well for you and you get the answers you need to fight this!! It's a battle but you can do it!!!

Andrea

[Hidden in reply to Dragonfly32]

It's the nightmares I get too very odd and strange maybe it's the book I'm reading about hostages in ten late 90s I keep thinking I'm in a tiny room lol saw the doctors told him what the hand specailst Said he thinks it's peripheral neuropathy and not CTS he's stopped the amitriptyline and put me on gabapentin starting at 300 mg X 3 day and a letter for a neurologist next week so now things are really moving at last.

How are you ? Any better or is the pain full on again ?

Paul

[Dragonfly32]

Nightmares can really be scary maybe try and read the book more during the day then at night. I'm so glad!!! Now things are moving along for you! Maybe the new medication will help to and you'll sleep tonight! I'm the same have darker days then others but you never get a true break from it as you know. I'm seeing a new Dr who is great! So I'm hoping I'm also on the right track. I have come to terms somewhat that I may never be exactly the same but if I could get relief it would be a blessing. It's a battle everyday. It's very hard on my husband but it's hard to think of the effect it has on others when you just feel so stuck. It takes an elephant tranquilizer to take me down it seems lol! I have to laugh sometimes. Life just came at a sudden still and I didn't recover like we had expected. It's a very long road isn't it... You sound better today☺️ So happy for you!!

Andrea

[Hidden]

Your so kind it's very touching for me I can't say how happy your words are a comfort thank you

I will open up more sometimes I find it hard I've had cruise lost my brother back in 2006 and my father in 1999 still can't accept it they have gone every day is big black hole of emptiness sorry for being dark

[Dragonfly32]

I am so glad I can provide you a smile and comfort. It's the most difficult thing experiencing loss for loved ones and being in pain. Sometimes I think the spaces we look to fill from a loss aren't meant to be filled or replaced, but the memories we have of them are the missing pieces and holes they are irreplaceable. The dark loss and loneliness are the most challenging. Things will change as you get better you'll feel better about things around you and what you've experienced. It is very hard to open up but when you do it's like it's a release which is so good to feel! Relief in a way☺️

Andrea

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Felt it hard on my wedding day back in 2010 feelings I had was being so empty and it really hit me hard the fact that two people who I wanted to be there for me the marriage only lasted a year I was in such a mess I knew I've made a massive mistake and now I was paying for it I was a really horrible person too my ex wife and her family then things turned nasty and they all went against me and kicked me out of my own house I lost everything my own business went too i just gave up on everything it's funny looking back on hindsight and thinking to myself I've made a massive mistake I don't even know if I really loved her at all she was very cold towards me and I did the same back I will never do it again get married I'm so glad I never had any children with her

[Dragonfly32]

Oh wow! I think when we're hurting and mourning were not always capable of being there as we should be for one another. I've learned a marriage is a huge commitment and takes work everyday. I think we all have a intuition and maybe yours was saying not to go through with the relationship. Maybe trying to fill those spaces of hollowness with something that could not compare. At least that is over and you have learned from it. It doesn't make things any less difficult. How'd did sleep go for you last night? How are you feeling

Andrea

[Hidden]

It's the heartburn that full on now along with pain that work me up twice during the night I went to bed early too as it was hurting my legs and feet sitting on a chair now did my tens early on.

I look back on the marriage thank god it's over as it was making me ill I was so down and very much trapped into something I wanted out of on the honeymoon we speak very little we went to the Maldives beautiful place just with the wrong person lol I spent my time reading books read two in week I was so bored and sad was ill with the heat so spent a few days in bed.thats In the past .

Paul

Hope your coping ?

[Dragonfly32 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Paul!

It sounds like you made the right decision in the long run to go your separate ways. Relationships and marriage are difficult and blessings at the same time. When your not with the right person it just makes it that much harder. I like how you said.."that's in the past".. That's awesome!!! Because though you may not realize yet that's you letting go putting it behind you. The past can hurt us so severely that we are blinded by what maybe in front of us now and it cripples any future we desire for ourselves. I'm definitely guilty of that! It's not easy to let go, I'm learning it's a process and there's no true time frame. Things are hard here I won't candy coat it lol! Trying to manage pain with so many lines drawn from what I can and can't do is shattering, and to try and do it married also has it's difficulties. I lived to work and I had to give that up so you could say I still experience withdraw from that. But also realizing in the high position I had people only respected me because of that and as soon as it was gone so we're my friends and colleagues or at least the people I thought were my friends. It's a different kind of loss but it still hurts deep and effects me everyday. But through it all I realized I was restricted back then to just in a different sort of way. And to spend my life doing a job I may have been good at but consumed me may not have been the best thing for me anymore. I know myself better now with all the time if have on my hands. But a lot of it is emptiness going from one extreme to the other. Though I do believe in every circumstance things happen for reasons we can't always understand that cause us hurt loss and pain. Feeling physical pain and loss of sleep can make things entirely worse. Being on here has really helped me feel though I'm going through this I'm not alone☺️

I hope you can rest and sleep!

Andrea

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Not a easy person too live with my moods swings are really bad I have days even weeks where I can be very low and feeling empty i won't go and get help as I've done that before and found it never helped me come to terms with my moods now I'm taking a lot of drugs that change me feelings i have mum who's suffers from depression too hers is under control I no longer talk to my older brother as we never got on with me he's. High flyer good job I'm the black sheep of the family I feel very much a under achieve I did go to college when I was younger was lazy at school.

Posting on here helps me pour out my feelings and thinking

[Dragonfly32]

It's such a great release on here to let out your feelings and pain. Depression can really interfere with everything in your life and make things more difficult. I know from experience and have someone close to me who also suffers and it's not an easy thing. Lol black sheep I think the same way of me as I was the middle child growing up very different I'll say😊 it's hard when family's but heads I've always been that way with my older sister. She's always trying to bring me down to lift herself up always has as kids and till today. I don't think anyone has a perfect family though it may appear we all have things. Some people are just better at hiding it then others. Do you think if you were to try and get different kind of help it may change? I know it's not easy to be on all this medication. Do you feel it helps? I know our emotions can be so fragile, you've experienced a lot in your life and that's not an easy burden to say the least to have. I'm really glad you can release your thoughts on here it's very therapeutic at least for me.

Andrea

[Hidden]

The last six months I spent living and sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the spare room we went weeks not talking i would leave the room when she came into it I felt like a person trapped in a cage locked I was started to feel like ending all I had really bad nightmares I was hanging in the garage dark dreams would over take how I was feeling I told my mother I needed to leave her I had doubts on the weeding day I felt it was the wrong thing to do but I left it so late should have walked away but my head said no and I went ahead with it she fell asleep on our wedding night I remember thinking to myself what have I've done now made a massive mistake I said those wedding vows and it was all a lie I really tired to love her as a wife but she came across cold and not really interested in me at all we did have some good times but it was in very short supply her parents started to get involved with us and our marriage that's was a red flag too a bull i lost it big time once I was at home my van was being fixed and I had no keys so I stayed at home all day she was at work the afternoon came I was upstairs doing something a knock at door I thought to myself I'm not going to answer it they kept knocking on the door then I heard a key and somebody walking into my house then a shout came "Paul " are you at home " foot steps on the stairs I ran into the bathroom and went behind the bathroom door to hide from who it was her parents had took her set of keys and walked into my house without asking I went bloody mad I ask them to leave I kept asking for them to go all they said was its not your house it's Caroline's house I pick up my phone and said you have 5 minutes before I call the police that was the last straw for me the next row I threw a shampoo bottle at the French doors pick up my van keys and left my mother ran me as I turned off my phone I spent hours in my van I drove too my mothers house that following day all my clothes book cds etc was placed in black bags and on the living room floor the night before they all came over too my mothers house will all my shirts

If you get this far well done

I was treated like dirt from the family I trusted and told all my problems too

Paul x

[Dragonfly32]

Oh Paul,

What a difficult heartbreaking thing to experience. You did all you could do. Don't think of yourself as a liar for saying vows you may not have meant though your conscious was telling you something, you wanted it to work. It's difficult when it effects others especially family. I'm sorry that you were treated that way, it can leave scares, pain that can be deep, new relationships or thinking of them can be jaded when your experience was so awful. I take things day by day, I won't say it's all peaches and cream lol! I think for me constant pain begins to dictate everything your mood your actions and thoughts, throw in no sleep and what was a strong storm is now a hurricane. Are you and your mom close? Sometimes it's nice to just have just one person your close with and trust to help. The nightmares sound awful, I know at times we get so fed up lost and lonely feeling how can I do this. But your not alone. What did you go for when went to college? I didn't go but wished I did. Are you reading anything that you enjoy? I love reading that is a great escape when I can tolerate the pain getting into a book I love. Just remember we all break were only human and that's ok☺️

Andrea

[Hidden]

Yes I'm close to my mother always have been a rock I would say so

Month after i left text messages started to come rude ones with Rude pictures of her my mind was still hurt and felling very mixed up one came with " do you fancy coming over " i was thinking what is her game to rub the sait in my wounds i was very low and very unhappy with myself and my life but as a man I went we ended up in bed it was like sleeping with someone new she was kind and loving this lasted until Christmas 2012 even gave me Christmas gifts lol then one morning I thought to myself I'm being used again just like before why did I do it ? Was it lust or was I still in love with her my heart said no it was over but I was in my old house in my old bed sleeping with my ex wife total madness now as I look at it now

Last time I herd from was when she asked me for a divorce she wanted me too pay half lol no way I said your the one who locked me out of my own house

Now I feel I never want another thing to do with females I don't trust anybody the bound and love from her parents which was broken has done it for me 2 years ago I went on a few dates with girls from a dating site I never trusted any of them lol if I spend the rest of my life on my own I don't mind 44 now and set in my ways I don't miss having a relationship with someone at all when we were married we talked about having children but she lied to me as her mother said she can't have children more lies do I feel bitter and twisted by it all ???

No I feel I've wasted my life trying to love a person who was cold and a big lie

This feels like a good book lol maybe I should write a self help book for men lol lol lol lol

Paul

Ps another poor night with heartburn and pains in my feet and legs

[Dragonfly32]

Oh my! I guess that saying is true they call the ex for a reason. It sounds like it was just the wrong person, it becomes difficult because when you have relationships with the family and friends it's more then just the marriage you divorce. The people you put forth trust in, it's a very painful thing to endure and to be here still is amazing because it shows strength you may not feel you have but you do. It's a lesson learned but a painful one. Try this though, try not to shut out or dismiss others that you may come into contact with, I believe that, that can be when the right one does come along and the moment may pass you by without ever knowing. But I will say I do understand where you are coming from and it's not easy, I understand why you would not ever want to try that again and when your heart and trust is broken it puts up a protective barrier around. It's unfortunate because there are a lot of people who don't care and are not trust worthy for whatever reason to think there's actually people out there that are is difficult to believe. I'm so glad you share closeness with your mom so there is one female in your life you do let in;). That's good!!! I know what sleepless nights and feel like with pain wrapped all over. It's something that doesn't seem to get easier yet I'll say. Because I like to think some day it will. Yes you could write a book! Direct a movie! It sounds like one for sure!! I hope your doing good today! It's a rainy one here, staying away from the outside today drinking coffee, I should prob switch to decaf though if I drink coffee this late. It's crazy when I use to work I would drink coffee literally around the clock and sleep just fine, I swear I had espresso running through my veins lol! I miss that sometimes a life apart from this that seemed halfway normal.

Andrea

[Hidden]

everything you have told me here rings so real and true you come arcoss as a very sensible person who knows about life troubles of other the heart ache and pain of a broken marriage and what follows afterwards you have help me bring myself out of my shell and talk for the first time of my feelings I'm over her yet can I move on in my life ? This illness that I have has made me think about life and the way we as people deal with pain and try to cope it's not easy I pray most days of not being in pain but how lucky I'm living free in a country where no war is going on no famine or struggle in my life I watch and read see with my eyes how this world is beautiful yet there's so much killing done by my own goverment and others so much anger against others I don't understand wars or the point of them I feel so greatful others have nothing and I have so much

Paul hope your pain free and sleeping

[Dragonfly32]

Paul,

That's a really good point, I heard someone once say for every problem we have is less then someone else's. It's great to be thankful for what you do have through all your hardships you have endured and still are. Try and think of the past as being a learning curve like riding I bike with training wheels in hopes to one day ride without them. There's no time frame on when you move on, so don't be hard on yourself or confuse it. It's a terrible painful process. Through all of this you have a wonderful relationship with your mother. And can say your lucky though your times are difficult. I've learned through my life that things happen and it hurts some days you just don't want to do it anymore or think you can't. But some how a new day always rises. Yes the world can be dreadful but beautiful to. I don't think it's what we've been through that defines us but how we deal with our hardships. I'm so glad you feel you can talk! It's such a great release at least for me when I just get everything out without snapping at family over such petty things. Pain and no sleep will do that to ya lol! I hope I can sleep no pain would be a blessing!! I've got high hopes!

Andrea

[Hidden]

I feel this on going pain is my new Friend who's not wanted by me at all it plays tricks with my brain and made some days I can wake up pain free and I think too myself hey it's getting better or it's left without saying good bye too me not within a few hours. The little bug is back playing its little game I don't want to play any longer at all the hands the feet legs toes all go into its pain game who's gonna win this time then the hip pain along with back stir up and I'm left for the day being a broken person in pain my brain hurts my mind feels numb and drugged up from the drugs I take I feel like full time drug addict now my memory of normal life has long gone is this for ever ? I really don't know but this so called friend had no place I really should call it a name lol pain in the backside sounds about right lol lol you have to laugh of it will send my mad.

Really hope your sleeping as its horrible without sleep it screws up your life pain is bad enough but no sleep

Paul

[Dragonfly32]

Oh my I can really relate to that! I feel the pain changes of its not one thing it's the other. It's shattering when you may be lucky to have a good day and you do think wow I'm getting better then before you know it it's back with a vengeance! It's like having to say goodbye all over again, a vicious cycle. I've had one day like that and through treatment experienced sudden relief pain free! It was something I don't think I can ever find the words to describe, but I thought oh my goodness this is how it feels! This is how I use to be! I just poured out crying. I was connected it felt like my feet were finally touching the ground again. And when it returned discouragement is an understatement. And yes the medications handfuls of pill after pill with sometimes no relief you do begin to feel that way. Your life revolves and is dictated by the pain, and it's not always something you can control. I feel like my body is so immuned to the medications they don't even do what their suppose to do like sleep. Lol but yes we have to laugh and sometimes cry too. Without that it's complete madness. I do find that the more sad frustrated or upset I become the pain worsens so I don't do myself any favors by feeling that way, but you just can't help it. What would you do with your life if you were pain free? I hope you slept good hopfully better then me.

Andrea

[Hidden in reply to Dragonfly32]

Sad to say nope was wide wake for much of the night my brain was racing ahead of me so many things running around me my hands started to hurt again even pick up a book to try and make myself tired still no help I just feel so sick and fed up of being like this every day I'm very frustrated with myself and my whole body it's as if I'm no longer here anymore I've goone the pain has won the stupid game that's being played on my part

Everytime I move my legs and feet they hurt waking more than a few paces is like walking on glass I'm going to the hospital on Thursday and it's on the 3rd floor which means more waking lol

Take care Paul

[Hidden]

The new drugs I'm on are really making me very tired during the day I have no energy at all doing anything makes me feel awful not sleeping much either I'm wide awake now most of the night the gabapentin I take makes my brain race ahead

Paul

[Dragonfly32]

Hi Paul,

So sorry to hear your not feeling well. It must be in the air I had a terrible day and night. Sorry for my late response. It's awful when your mind won't shut off to sleep. It becomes so maddening doesn't it.. Feeling restless and just defeated. You feel stuck in a body that feels like it controls you dictating everything. Your not alone in this. You went to the hospital? Any change at all? Have they given you assistance on what you can do to sleep? I know they were going to require me to go on bed rest last year, they would put me to sleep. Then you can actually get a break and get the sleep your body and mind so desperately need.

Andrea

[Dragonfly32]

Hi Paul!

Been thinking about you! Let me know how your doing

Andrea