I don't know what's wrong with me

[Wolf696]

Hi, this is my very first post on here and I never really have done anything like this but I need someones help, or someones advise on this. I know something is wron with me but I don't know what, I think I'm going crazy and this thing is affected everything around me. It's affected every relationship I have with every person in my life and I don't know what to do to stop it. I can go from being supper normal to supper hipper and off the walls, I have just a burst of energy and sometimes it can get dangerous. I get so high and it's not like a normal high like your just supper happy it's like everything is multipled, and it just comes randomly, like with my feelings I will just randomly want to tell all of my friends how much I love them and need them in my life and I'll spill everything and I will feel such a love for them. But then the next moment I'll go down really far were I won't talk and I'm so sad, and I just want ro cry and I don't want to move anywhere and I'll look at the same person who I was so in love with and feel absolutely nothing for them. I will have such a good day with people and the next day it's like I have to learn to re love them or re like them again. It's getting to a point where I just want to stop talking to everyone, my best friends are the ones who I am affecting the most tho, I keep on pushing then are way but I don't know im doing it, and when ever I get my hyper mood I tell them to stay and tell them to please not give up on me. But I feel so selfish cause I am causing them pain, I do stupid s*** and I beg them to stay but in all reality I'm scared to be alone I'm scared they will leave me. It's not fair to them tho I keep on telling them that it will be okay and I'll be back too normal in no time. They love it when I'm supper happy and hyper and bursting with joy but they don't understand how dark I can get, how bad I feel. It goes so bad it scares me, I have sudden urges to hurt myself, or hurt another person and it scares me. But I just keep on telling everyone I'm just having a bad day and it will be better, but I have been saying that for the past year, I have been this way since I was 13, but it comes and goes some times I will be happy for about 4 months straight but then I will be in the most depressed and suicidal state for another 4 months, but lately it's been really going back and forth like it's deciding what it wants to be. I tried to talk to my parents about it but I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't believe me when I tell her something is wrong, because she had bipolar depression and I'm not showing the signs like her so I can't have it and it's probably just your hormones, or I'll grow lit of it. But I have yet and I'm 16 now and it's getting so much worse. I want help but I don't want to be put on pills the rest of my life. I just want to not feel this way, I just want to look at my friends and not have that thought in the bacl of my mind that the next day I will hate them. Because when I do hate them I can hurt them started bad with my words, even if they look at me wrong I'll blow up on them and start screaming and yelling and I want to punch them, but I don't it's so hard to control it some times. I just want to know that I'm not crazy and that I'm not some kind of phyco path

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Wolf696

Firstly, let me tell you this - you're not crazy, nor are you a psychopath!! but it does sound as though you do need to talk to a Psychiatric team. I'm no doctor, which is why you need to chat to your own and if you're sixteen, you should be able to go to the appointment on your own.

You seem to be having intense periods of what seems like mania and then the very downs, much like Bipolar but they may see it as some other disorder.

What I do know is you are suffering greatly right now, you are worried about your behaviour and how that affects others and you care about them and that's great.

If it were me, I would tell the doctor exactly what you have told us, even copy your post, so that they can read what is happening in your life, you've written a very good account of what's going on and they'll be able to make a diagnosis from this. Remember to mention your Mum has Bi-polar too.

Wolf, do let us know if you can make an appointment soon and in the meantime, drop in here for support, we're always here for you!

Chloe