Behind The Mask

[catherinem]

When people ask me how I am a lot of the time I lie, I smile and say “I’m OK, I’m fine” but I’m not. This blog post isn’t really TS related although I guess if you have nil self confidence like myself you may find yourself in a similar situation. Like the woman who suffers domestic abuse at the hands of her partner I have come to realize I’m the woman who’s suffering psychological abuse at the hands of her partner. She smiles to the outside world she covers up the bruises and says it’s ok, it’s become her normality. My normality has become the constant tantrums, for example I went out and he wanted a particular item, I forget what it was when I handed it over it was met with a barrage of profanities and was slung across the room. Putdowns, I got plenty of them mainly questioning my intellect, and plenty of other what my brother calls “passive aggressive behaviors” although he was putting on good behavior then. I don’t really talk about this very much, I find it very upsetting, I’m disillusioned and stupid and think that perhaps he may change but on the other hand I know he won’t. I should have shipped out ages ago, sometime round about the time when I cooked for him and his daughters, we sat and ate together, he took his dinner off and it went straight in the bin including the plate. “OMG dad, Cath cooked that for you!” his behavior then was deemed childish by a nine year old, or when I had to pay the council tax with a credit card as he “couldn’t find a suitable job” working in warehouse wasn’t my ideal job, but it paid the rent, or when he started to withdraw affection and other things you’d expect from a relationship which was the most humiliating and belittling experience.

I have reached a stage now when I know I really must leave. I have in the past attempted suicide, his reaction “if you want to kill yourself then do it, don’t let me stand in your way” I feel quite helpless, I must do this myself but I don’t feel that I have the capabilities to do it. I feel as though I couldn’t get myself out of a paper bag. I’m as helpless as a little kitten. On the outside however I laugh and joke and give out pragmatic advice to others, myself though I can’t follow my own advice, following your own advice is easier said than done. I have told some about my circumstances, but that was just touching the surface, I’ve lost count of the occasions where my Tourette’s has become the butt of everybody’s joke, I can laugh about it myself, that helps me to cope with the absurdity of it, but for your partner to join in with virtual strangers who know nothing of the complexities of living with the condition and have a good giggle at your expense is not big and it’s not clever, I hate going anywhere with him for this reason, he can’t stand being seen in public with me, shopping is torture, pubs and parties are now a no-go area I’d rather be out and about on my own than with somebody that will egg on an ignorant stranger into having a good laugh with him “It’s only banter”.

I have tried discussing this with some of the mental health professionals that work with me, but they call me whilst I’m at home, big-ears is listening next door, after the call I’m subjected to the Spanish Inquisition, phone calls to them often consist of trying to get them to ask questions that I answer with a “yes” or “no”. I’ve been trying to get hold of my CPN for almost a week now, he’s always on visits or in meetings and never calls back (then it will be the “yes/no” answers that will leave him baffled).