What do I get?

What do I get?

“I just want a lover like any other but what do I get?” Sometimes I feel like I’m being punished for something I’m not sure what. I’m sure that I’ve paid my penance for my previous misdemeanours but why does this carry on. I just want to be happy, I just want someone to love that loves and supports me back, but what do I get? I’m stuck in a relationship with a man who doesn’t believe in love, “there’s only infatuation, and that’s for losers” So here I am stuck in a loveless, sexless “relationship” I really don’t deserve this anymore, sometimes I think I should just grit my teeth and accept that this is how life is and just get on with it and make the most of being with a man who doesn’t love me. When I was teaching and he was at home my colleagues would joke that “he must be good in bed” if I was to tolerate supporting a jobless individual, if only they knew that sex wasn’t forthcoming let alone quality sex. Had the sex been forthcoming I might have also found that my endometriosis would have been diagnosed earlier. I do have a ridiculous theory that my lack of sex equates to my TS worsening, but if you think about the rejection that I’ve had and the emotional upset that this causes it probably has. His thoughts – “why would being rejected sexually cause emotional distress?” He just doesn’t get it.

I have been looking forward to a concert of Steve Reich’s “18 Musicians” but you know who spent the money set aside and now I look forward to an evening in as per usual. Deeply p%^^£d off! However I did manage to get to go to my brother’s birthday party and it was absolute bliss to be able to see my family that I hadn’t seen for quite a long time I also met a fellow ticcer and her supportive hubby, again that Buzzcocks song pops up “What do I get?” I exit to the ladies for a cry. “You should tell your Dad” about his lack of care, he tells me, but I can’t see what good that would do apart from him having his nose broken in the other direction. My Dad’s got enough to worry about.

As you can tell by my ramblings I’m feeling pretty down, it’s 11.27am and I still haven’t motivated myself out of pyjamas and into the shower, I can’t see the point, but I know I must try and move forward.

7 Replies

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  • The fact that you are able to put your feelings into words and publish them shows That you probably know the answer to your problems. It's easier said than done to decide to end a relationship as we all hope that one day the problems will resolve themselves and everything will turn out hunkydory. From experience they never do. I am also in a relationship that I don't want to be in any more but cannot muster the energy to change things. I just don't want to hurt his feelings even though it is killing me!!! I wish women were built stronger and stood up for themselves and their wellbeing. My partner says to go to the doctor about my depression. But what is the point? It is him causing the depression and until I sort out that minor detail then I guess I'll always have it! I always read your blogs but only now felt compelled to reply. Only you know the right way forward for yourself. Only you can make that decision. But don't leave it too long. It'll only get harder! x

  • P.S. I stayed in my PJ's all day yesterday and didn't even brush my hair!!!!!

  • Hi both, just a suggestion - Relate may be able to help you in some way. Their website is full of information on relationships and it might be a good place to start to work things out, one way or another. Have a look and bestest wishes to you.

    relate.org.uk/relationship-...

    Julie x

  • Could you clarify why you're 'stuck' in this relationship? Sounds like he doesn't deserve you and he should realise that!

  • Nice post Catherine, but nice in an emotional and honest way

    It's easy for me to tell you to get shut and get shut now but easier said than done when you have years invested

    The sex isn't as important (I'm gusessing) as the feeling of rejection is...especially for a woman

    I've no idea what misdemeanours they were but he should either forgive or be done

    You're a fun, open, honest person and I've met the individual in question and I wasn't impressed. He dropped you off and picked you up but didn't seem to want to know me or any of the others

    I hate to speak badly of the mentally ill but - what a loser!!!

  • Hi Catherine

    I too have been reading your blogs but feel I must reply to this one,if I lived near to you I would come round to you,give you a big hug and then a kick up the bum(in a nice way).I left an abusive husband many years ago(with two very small kids) but only cos my next door neighbour was very firm with me and did not give up on me until I left and made myself homeless--- it was the best thing I could have done and am very grateful to her.Could you stay with a family member for a couple of weeks to give you a break from him and a little distance may make you realise you DO NOT NEED HIM.Although I do not know you I have been reading your blogs and know enough to say you are a beautiful,kind, clever, sensitive human being who deserves better.If you had a daughter in the same position as you what would you be telling her to do?I am sure it would not be to stay and put up with being miserable,life is not a dress rehersal,this is it,please don't waste the rest of it waiting for him to change cos deary I don't think he will.If you have family that can support you, use them,from reading about you it sounds as though you have some good friends too and I am sure there are lots of people who will support you if you ask!!.Life is for living not just existingxx Sorry I don't mean to be down on you I intended to come across as suportive, If I haven't I apologise,take care big hugs!!!

    Deb

  • She is, she is all that stuff and more. OK she is a bit bossy, ex-teacher y'see but I've been out boozing with her and can't belive such a fun, creative, outgoing person is wallowing in this affectionless mire

    You know what Deb, I feel a bit weird discussing somebody elses private life but..........................

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