“I just want a lover like any other but what do I get?” Sometimes I feel like I’m being punished for something I’m not sure what. I’m sure that I’ve paid my penance for my previous misdemeanours but why does this carry on. I just want to be happy, I just want someone to love that loves and supports me back, but what do I get? I’m stuck in a relationship with a man who doesn’t believe in love, “there’s only infatuation, and that’s for losers” So here I am stuck in a loveless, sexless “relationship” I really don’t deserve this anymore, sometimes I think I should just grit my teeth and accept that this is how life is and just get on with it and make the most of being with a man who doesn’t love me. When I was teaching and he was at home my colleagues would joke that “he must be good in bed” if I was to tolerate supporting a jobless individual, if only they knew that sex wasn’t forthcoming let alone quality sex. Had the sex been forthcoming I might have also found that my endometriosis would have been diagnosed earlier. I do have a ridiculous theory that my lack of sex equates to my TS worsening, but if you think about the rejection that I’ve had and the emotional upset that this causes it probably has. His thoughts – “why would being rejected sexually cause emotional distress?” He just doesn’t get it.
I have been looking forward to a concert of Steve Reich’s “18 Musicians” but you know who spent the money set aside and now I look forward to an evening in as per usual. Deeply p%^^£d off! However I did manage to get to go to my brother’s birthday party and it was absolute bliss to be able to see my family that I hadn’t seen for quite a long time I also met a fellow ticcer and her supportive hubby, again that Buzzcocks song pops up “What do I get?” I exit to the ladies for a cry. “You should tell your Dad” about his lack of care, he tells me, but I can’t see what good that would do apart from him having his nose broken in the other direction. My Dad’s got enough to worry about.
As you can tell by my ramblings I’m feeling pretty down, it’s 11.27am and I still haven’t motivated myself out of pyjamas and into the shower, I can’t see the point, but I know I must try and move forward.