I just can’t stop

[brokenankle75]

I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was around 12 years old. I used to Starve myself. I tried to be bulimic but I absolutely could not make myself throw up not even sticking a toothbrush down my throat and holding it there. So I’ve battled with this my whole life I am 45 now. Now I am a binge eater . I have had a broken ankle for three years now but I am able to do pretty much anything to a certain extent. Except running and not a lot of dancing. I have two screws in my right ankle. Anyway I end up gaining like 40lbs. I was heavier with my broken ankle then I wasfull-term With either one of my pregnancies. So I finally got to point I was able to exercise again. I’ve lost a lot of weight but now it’s a yo-yo diet. I count calories but can barely do that cuz I end up binge eating.I just can’t stop. It’s totally out of control. I’ve asked my psychiatrist, my counselor, my family doctor, and searched online and still struggling

[Hidden]

I am really sorry you are having a hard time. I want to share some things that have really helped me in my recovery journey. One of the things I realized (although it can be hard to accept at first) is that there are biological reasons why dieting is one of the few skills that humans get worse at over time. It makes sense when you realize that the body is wired for survival, and losing weight is not something that encourages optimal functioning. Your body interprets under eating as a famine and deploys all kinds of processes and tactics (including slowing your metabolism and making taste buds more sensitive to make food hyper appealing) to get you to eat and hold gain weight so you can survive the next bout of famine (read dieting). This is also the reason why when you binge it is usually on calorie dense food--your body is smart and steers you toward the food that will give it the most bang for its buck.

In a way, I found this comforting because before I realized the biology behind this I always assumed it was my fault, and most people assume dieting is a question of willpower. And, short term I guess it is, but you body will fight you to keep you from another famine, which is why you feel compelled to eat and out of control. You don't have control over this--you binge because it's a primal reaction to deprivation. So in order to get out of this cycle you have to stop pursuing weight loss. Your binges are caused directly by restriction, not the other way around, and the severity of the binge is a reaction to the severity of your restriction. Both the mental and physical restriction effect binges--meaning that sometimes you may not be restricting food, but if you are judging yourself and feeling shame around eating that will also contribute to binging.

Sorry this is such a long reply, but as a person who has suffered with EDs for the majority of their life I feel very passionately about sharing this information. It is the only thing that helped me escape these cycles. If you are interested in more detailed and expert information on this I would suggest looking up neuroscientist Sandra Aamondt and Dr. Linda Bacon. I hope some of this makes sense and helps you a bit.

[brokenankle75 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for you response. I am on about 1305 calorie diet and I’ve binge eating more than staying within my calories. I’d like to say when I’m by myself I’m better but I haven’t been lately. I exercise like crazy. Today I burned around 950 calories and my back is terrible. I’ve been going to a pain clinic and getting injections in my spine.. however the pain is still there when I get my shots without exercising. I’m usually up at 1am every morning screaming in pain. Sometimes I make it til 3:30. I have another week to wait till I talk to my doctor. Hopefully something good will happen

[Hidden in reply to brokenankle75]

I hope you do get some relief on the back pain, andI hope you are able to work toward more peace on the recovery side of things. I wish you all the best.

[brokenankle75 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you that means a lot