I miss the it, but that's ok

[Running-girl16]

It feels like forever ago, but it's only been months and you know what, I'm glowing. Glowing with happiness and hope and energy. But sometimes when I have a faze of self-consciousness, I miss it, like a crazy ex, I start to miss it when I counted each and every calorie, I miss it as if it were a old hobby, which it kind of was, but an extremely dangerous one. I remember how happy I would be when the calorie count was low, with my stomach rumbling and my face empty and pale. Or the fact that I got a smaller portion of food than everyone else. I miss it, like an old friend, what a fake friend they were.

But then I remember what I gave up to get there, the people it cut from my life, the opportunities I missed out on, how tired I was, how cold I was, how lonely. And I realise how lucky I am, how I didn't go to the point of no return, and didn't dig a hole so deep I wouldn't be able to climb out again. And I remember that my life is so much better now than it was then.

I miss it, but that's ok 🌺

[crazycrossstitcher]

Great story - and a real encouragement to all of us still struggling. Guess its like any habit - it occasionally rears its head and tries to draw you back. Stay strong - keep glowing.

[Houseelf]

Really well written and you are right, it is just like missing an ex - you want it but know it is bad for you. I didn't think anyone else would miss those aspects too and it is nice to find another who understands. I have tried to explain it to friends when I say I am worried about going back but they say "don't worry, you know what it is like, you won't go back there" - but they don't get the warped appeal which is where my worry comes from. I long for the previous me as I see it as the perfect me. I am going through this right now only I am not full of hope and energy. I think this may be why I am thinking about the previous time.

[Maggie97]

This is really inspiring I am still struggling but half the battle is not wanting to let go because is gives me comfort and control.