Scared! FYI may contain triggers for some, sorry x

[Jots1234]

In June I went to the gp with concerns about restricting and purging and fear of returning to teenage disorder. Because I had a healthy bmi and within normal weight range (despite losing 4stone in 6 months) she said she couldn't refer me to Ed specialist but did refer me to local mental health team. The appointment came through for Monday 24/7 but this week we are on holiday staying with family. It has been impossible to avoid evening meals and some lunches. I have had as little as possible but know I must have put on loads of weight and I'm panicking that I again won't seem like I have issues when I go to the appointment.

Lately I seem to be binging and purging more than restricting, eating all the things I've denied myself for months, feeling ultra guilty and sometimes doing this twice a day and feel I'm weak and lacking self control and willpower. I really struggle to express any of these feelings and doubt I will in the appointment and have no-one I can confide in or who understands.

I'm scared because I don't know what to expect too, how they can help, whether I actually want help etc. sometimes I do, I'm not a teenager anymore and this is not healthy, especially the binging and purging and I no longer want to die as I did then as I'm a mum, but then I'm petrified of putting on weight and fear I will just say everything is fine when I get in the appointment which I have a tendency to do.

Thank you for reading all my rambling if you've got this far, any advice welcome please x

[TPepper]

Ugh your GP sounds crappy! Just because you have a normal BMI doesn't mean that you do not have an ED and it does not mean that your distress with food is any less significant than someone who has a low BMI. I think maybe you should book another appointment and talk to another GP. Perhaps this one will refer you. I recently was referred to ED specialist despite having a healthy BMI - I guess it depends on the GP's understanding on ED's.

What I try to do to express my feelings is writing things down i.e. via poetry or drawing. It makes me feel happy because it's like, I hate food and the effect it has on me, but it feels beautiful turning my pain into something creative. That may help you maybe? But then again, you mentioned you are a mother, so you may not get much time?

Also, a while back, I was given a link for positive psychology practices. It helps me to feel kinda positive. Instead of thinking, everything about life is shit because of food, I think, no actually, eating and food is the only thing that is bad, but I have other things that are good. That makes me feel kind of appreciative of the happy things. Here is a link if you're interested: ggia.berkeley.edu/

I think maybe with the appointment, what may help is writing things down. I struggled with expressing things during my appointment and during my first GP appointment, what I said came across wrong because the doctor just thought I was a little bit stressed about Uni and catch me trying to say I was struggling with food.

I think maybe write down a list of pros and cons of getting help. I found that I didn't want help and didn't deserve it because there are people who are worse off than me and I am, despite my ED, the happiest version of myself. However, I try to remind myself, that eating is required for survival. I am supposed to eat three meals a day. Everytime I eat is distressing and so this is going to be a problem that affects me multiple times a day, so it is important to deal with it. Also, I try to think what if one day, I am able to eat properly? No guilt? No bingeing? That is what I want more than ever and so accepting help, even if it feels against my will at times, is just something that will help me reach that sooner.

I get the problem with having no one who understands. My friends, bless them, are super supportive but they do not understand at all. They think me eating a proper meal means I am cured. They sometimes act like I can snap out of it. They do not get the guilt. It sucks that they do not understand that if I could, I would snap out of it, but I can't. That some days I can feel alright then the next days shitty again. However, it does help talking to them because even though they do not understand, they are still there for me. They hold me when I am crying or listen to me rant about food when I need to. They won't let me push them away like I desperately want to sometimes. They ask me how I am when I need them too. My point is, friends and family, even without understanding can be there for you.

If you need someone to talk to, you can pm me. Good luck! Hope this helps!

[Jots1234 in reply to TPepper]

Thank you for your reply, I will try writing things down. I have a tendency to panic at and before appointments of any nature and my mind goes blank so I will write down anything I think will be useful but I'm not sure what they want/expect.

Thank you for the link too, I will have a look.

I wish you well with your recovery, you sound like you are taking positive steps in getting a good support network, keep with it, especially on the days when it's hard, you are worth it and deserve the help xx