I have an eating disorder, and so does my friend.
The difference is she purges but barely eats (doesn't purge that often anymore), while I try not to eat too much. And, I feel like a failure as a girl with an eating disorder because she lost so much weight and eats less than 300 calories a day while I tend to eat around 600. And, whenever I try to recover, I immediately want to restrict again because I see how little she eats.
She's 5"1 and used to be 46 kg and is now 39-40 kg. I know it's bad but I'm jealous since I've only lost around 1.5 kg and I tend to overeat during the weekends.
I don't want to tell her this because our friendship has been through so much and has survived many struggles. But, despite how many times I've denied it to her, she's my trigger. She's the reason why I first started losing weight, and why I don't want to get better. She makes me feel like my eating disorder isn't serious because she lost weight and I haven't (at least, nothing noticeable). And that, as much as I try not to think about it, I feel like I will never recover if she's there, because she'll be a constant reminder that I failed as someone with an eating disorder (because I barely lost weight), and that she's so much better than me (grades, charisma, talents, etc.).
I'm not sure if this is related but, I like this guy in church (I'm 15, he's 20). It's just a happy crush, and sometimes I think that I don't really like him, but maybe I just want to get close to him (as a best friend or elder brother). One time, I was hanging out with him at church, and for the first time, I felt confident and not awkward (I'm really awkward). And, my best friend wasn't there. When she was, I felt like I was lying to her because I was acting differently around him (but I also felt happy and that maybe people will actually like me, not just because I'm her best friend).
What do I do? She's been through so much, and I'm the only one she trusts. I know that she needs me, and even though I don't tell her, I know she needs me more than I need her. Help?