Is my mum the root to my problems

[bumblebee20]

I'm 26 and have anorexia for 9 years. For the past 7 years my weight yoyos, I always stay underweight enough to function and not have my ED dehabilitate my life. I wish I could fully let go but I for some reason I hold on. Ive travelled Asia for a year and I have been so happy. I'm still travelling yet still hold on to anorexia. When I visited my mum back home I realised how unhealthy I am when I'm around her. She is also very slim and I always believe she has anorexic thinking. now I feel like we compete, meal times are a nightmare and I feel my fattest when I'm around her. I love my mum but hate how I feel around her. I feel when she looks at me she sees me for my eating disorder and I potentially am unhealthy for her too. She's my mm and just don't know how to overcome this problem. I've distanced myself by being away from home but I feel so much resentment when I'm around her. I'm so sad and wish we could have a normal relationship. But I wonder since I'm away most of the time is she truely the root to my issues? So desperate for advice on how to go forward.

[Jellio]

Its difficult to say, but if you have suffered ab*se at home then she could be. Do you have a counsellor to talk to. A counsellor might be able to help you come to terms with your past and help you respond differently.

[bumblebee20 in reply to Jellio]

I didn't suffer abuse my any account but mum had post natal so we lacked that important childhood bond, hence later on develop an over loved and enmeshed relationship so my therapist called it!! Last year, at the age of 25 I also found out my dad never has been sure if I'm his child due to years of affairs on my mums side. Hence also a lack of loving bond there. So despite no abuse I was insecure in love.

I had a year of counselling when in the eating disorder clinic. But I would never say never to more, and will consider this when back in the uk.

Thank you kindly for taking the time to respond

[Hidden]

Hi,

Firstly sorry about my belated response. I've been quite ill and using the computer was beyond me.

It could well be that your mum may be a factor in your feelings about food. The scientific literature indicates that there may be a genetic factor too.

However, whatever the only way forward is to realise this (as you have) and then move forward. I read somewhere that ultimately we are responsible for our own feelings whatever the factors. I thought this sounded harsh.

Are you able to talk with your mum about this? If you can then it may help. Alternatively write a letter to her. This is helpful whether she gets to read it or not. Are there other members in your family who you can talk to?

One thing I found helpful is to ask someone you trust to role play your mum and just listen as you tell "her" about your feelings. I've even done this with a teddy standing in for the person I blamed for my eating disorder. It feels strange but it took away a lot of my resentment.

I hope this helps but please get back to us if you need more.

all the best

[bumblebee20 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. Your comments are helpful. I've always found poetry and word chucking a good way to offload feelings as there is noway I could ever talk to her about this. She, like me, is over sensitive and would feel I'm 'blaming' her. Which I'm not directly as like you said we are responsible for our own feelings . I do however I find her behaviours so unhelpful to be around. I get angry inside and just don't want to be around her.

I do talk to my sister, no other family members really understand it but she gets angry with me and my mum and says we are as bad as eachother. Which I'm sure she is right.

I'm going to try the role play. I think this is a great idea to get closure on feelings of hate.

Thank you again. I feel like I may be clearer on my feelings and our relationship.