Inpatient Treatment

[TraumatisedTrainer]

I have tried for years to get help and to recover on my own. recently my bulimia has changed to the point where I'm weighing all my food, even my binges and at most I eat 800 calories, which may sound like a lot but I can't sit with it and keep it down. I have found a centre in deal and I've taken a tour, it seems like a wonderful place but it's really expensive. I don't know if it's worth the money, I know I'll never get NHS help as I'm too heavy. My disorder's so bad my business is non existent at the moment, and this will take all of my savings. Can anyone let me know of their experience, if they think inpatient treatment really works? I have tried every other thing I can think of and am losing hope of ever wanting to live again.

[njam]

Hello

I am sure that inpatient help can be beneficial it certain circumstances but to really benefit from it you must really want to recover and ultimately you will leave the setting and return to your outside life. Before you spend money on treatment I would recommend you practice the basics.

Get some handle on engaging in eating regular meals /snacks and practice in turn not vomiting or over exercising ( compensating/purging). If you can't learn to accept how bad this makes you feel then on leaving inpatient help you will likely go back to your old ways.

I'm not saying this is easy...eating and coping with it before/after I'm sure can be helped eith inpatient support but it would be better if this came at a point where you can at least do some stuff for yourself.

I have been eayubg regular meals and snacks for 9months now and it is still hard going but I am learning to tolerate feeling fearful and doing it anyways whereas before I was so scared I couldn't do it at all. I am still quite ritualistic and controlling of what I do eat, where and when, where I purchase it from etc etc but I am even though it's terrifying, able to feed myself a base level of nutrition more than I ever before. I see it as part if the recovery journey I'm maintaining and am seeking recovery long term I might need more support with that but like I say practice the basics and it won't get overly easier but at least when yiu left treatment you'd know you could handle those minimums/basics you need to keep going and aim for recovery. Unless really ready to fight and give up your dodgy coping strategies you will pay gir hrlp thst won't ling term benefit you.

Good luck

n

[TraumatisedTrainer in reply to njam]

Hi njam

Thank you for your advice, I have been for long periods (weeks) sticking to a schedule, but I can't shake the thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and it all starts over again. I don't really have any friends left and I've all but killed my relationship. I want recovery more then anything else in the world, I have wasted far too much of my life to this. I'm just not sure what would help.

[Hidden]

Hi there....wow you sound so down tonight. If you don't mind me saying so, you were so up recently. Darl what changed? Yes you do want to live, don't even think like that - ok. Just keep telling yourself "this too will pass", because it will. You will get your business back on track, you will get on top of your bulimia, you will wake up one day and look back at this as the nightmare it WAS.

Your question of whether to spend your last savings on this inpatient facility, well what did they promise? Do you feel that you need 24/7 watching? You will have to leave the facility at the end of "their" treatment, and come back home to the same life, with all its triggers and memories. What ever was said to you, by them, that made this an option, do they offer out patient services that possibly you can access. It's not really a question of whether you should or shouldn't, rather are you ready to give up Bulimia? No help in the world will work if you are not done with living like this. Just my thoughts on your question Just take this decision slowly you have got to be committed to the outcome. True freedom has always included Responsibility.

[TraumatisedTrainer in reply to Hidden]

Hi Joolzzz

Thank you so much, you're always very intuitive and understanding. I'm not sure what set me off, I had to go through so old issues which I think might have been a trigger, but I was doing well I had 3 days (doesn't sound like much) of normal eating, I could control/manage the panic and then just all hell broke loose and I've been getting progressively worse since then. I accept that I can't make the right choices for myself and that I'm too manipulative to do this without professional supervision. I hate living like this every day and I'd do anything to be rid of it. Out patient treatment unfortunately would still be around the same amount as the facility is in America. The people that run it are from Kent and it's a very comprehensive program, DBT, group therapy, culinary courses, medical etc so it's not that it's not worth the money. I suppose you're right, I was just looking for someone else to take responsibility, to make the decision for me, big decisions are not my strong suit. 'Should' and 'shouldn't' are out the window. Replaced by 'what's good for my health and life'

Thank you so much for helping me back to a positive mind set. I hope you're doing well, my boyfriend was told he'd never walk again and now he's a runner so I know how hard it can be but you will get better and thrive again. Hope you don't mind me commenting

[Hidden]

Hi,

I agree with the other replies. It is a case of what you really want to do in terms of recovery. It could be that your thinking is being affected by the low intake of calories. Your brain needs fuel to do its work properly. Are you able to increase your food intake in a controlled way so that you give your mind what it needs? Then perhaps you'll be able to decide about the big step of inpatient with its financial/time sacrifices.

The additional food will also help your emotional wellbeing too. It will be hard to resist the impulse to purge/overexercise but give it a try and see what happens.

all the best

[Hidden]

Hey there of course you can comment! ~ thankyou for your kind words!! (Update, I'm back on my feet again, but I pushed too hard and fast for the outcome, and fell over and shattered my arm - grrr!! ) So anyway darl, this brings me to say sometimes when we want something soo much we rush and don't consider/realise the consequences of going to fast. The big goal is to be rid of Bulimia controlling you without your say so.

I really need to stop there and tell you something. A while ago I woke up at 2am in the morning feeling frightened and alone, so I turned on the light and continued to lay there staring at my curtains and believe it or not Njam's posts on what Anorexia had taught her streamed through my head!! I felt the strength of those words... (Find them and read them).

So how to get there to the outcome, well you are already committed. That was step 1. You can "keep it together" for 3 days so that is "your new normal", then add a day as soon as you hit the new normal and make that your new normal!! You can do it!! 3 = 4, 4 = 5 and so on. I kicked this kind of behaviour to the kerb years ago and for me the hard question of, Why, truly needed someone qualified to ask and talk to. This was no mean feat to find "that person". I tell you what it's never who you expect!!! Please remember it took a while to get to this point you are at and will take just as long if not longer to unravel. Yes, it is going to be surprisingly shocking and rewarding!!!

I just want to say to you, you are not manipulating or any of that, it is the eating disorder, getting it's own way at whatever cost and YOU have finally said ENOUGH. Your anxiety and depression are not to be ignored, so off to the GP for that. Girls can be really mean and I don't know why, sometimes you just have to chin up and realise you can't win them all. Be grateful that next time you make friends you will know what you need in them and will find it! Pretty hollow to hear I know especially when you are in the middle of the betrayal. There are some beautiful gems of people out there and you will find each other.

P.S.: Big round of applause and hats off to your boyfriend from Oz

[TraumatisedTrainer in reply to Hidden]

Hi Joolz

I'm pleased to hear you're up and about again, I am sorry about you're arm though, I hope it's getting better. I can understand what you're saying about pushing too hard or too fast. I've never been any good at sitting still metaphorically, I always feel I need to be moving towards something. I'm starting to realise though, that a lot of that is running away from something darker.

I went back and read through njam's post as you suggested and although one day I might agree that this has been a worthwhile journey, at the moment it comes from and masks such deep pain, that feeling anything good about it is very hard. I always thought I knew the why behind my eating disorder but recently memories have been screaming into my consciousness, making me realise it goes a lot further back then even I knew. Now I really know where it started I can deal with it properly, like you say with the help of that person, hopefully I'll find mine soon.

I've always loved Australia, now I wish even more that I lived there, you are an amazing person and I wish the world had more like you. I'll keep my mind on thoughts of beautiful landscapes and amazing people, that's Australia all over for me. I loved Sydney, Cairns, Perth and I went to Uluru which was just incredible.

Thank you so much for your support

I'll keep chin up and keep thinking, one day when I'm fully recovered I'll have a chance to go back to Australia, sit on Manly beach and dip my toes in the ocean or wherever else I want to go in the world.

Recovery Is Worth It.