Hi, I’m 21 and me and my boyfriend are trying for a baby but I’m so scared of being judged, I’ve always known that I wanted to be a young mum and had the urge to have a child for a while but never felt ready enough that I could raise a child the best I could. I also wanted to get my degree pass my driving test and achieve things that I can be proud of before becoming a mum.
I’m due to graduate university in June and my boyfriend who is 2 years older graduated last year and now has a graduate job. I also work and we have been Saving for a while to prepare for a baby and I think we are ready, we feel ready to start a family. We have also been together for 5 years and live together.
This being said, I feel like I have to explain myself about why we want a baby so young/ I feel as though I will be judged for being a young mum. Even though I am in my early twenties and this would have been normal for my grandparents.
We both have the mindset that life is too short so why wait when we are healthy and happy now and could potentially spend more time with our children watching them grow older. And I don’t think anyone other than ourselves could tell us whether or not we are ready.
Just wondered if any other young mums on here feel the same way and what you did to block out the negativity from other people
Thank you for reading xx
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Frankytg
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I echo this! I just had my first child at 39 and would LOVED to have had him when I was MUCH younger for many of the reasons you mentioned. Good luck to you guys, sounds like you'll make amazing parents xxx
You have to make the decision for yourself, not for others. It's human nature to judge. Look at what you can offer now and if there will be much more you can offer by waiting a little while longer. xx
Thank you, this is exactly what my boyfriend has said, and that it shouldn’t matter what others think, we’re doing what we think is best and what makes us happy. Thank you again for your reply xx
I was nearly 40 when I had my first baby. You'll feel judged whatever you do, so just get on and do whatever feels best for you and your life and circumstances. Being younger has advantages and being older has advantages, but most important is to do your best with lots of love. You'll be great xxx
Thank you so much, the child will definitely be loved; even if some days this is all we have to offer we definitely have a lot of love to give. Thank you for your message lovely xx
I decided to travel when I was in my early 20’s, then my late 20’s/early 30’s we’re spent studying for my accountancy qualification and then at 31 we started trying for a family. It took 4 years, 2 miscarriages, 4 IVF transfers and lots of ‘what ifs’ about trying sooner. I simply wasn’t ready then but if I had of been, I would have gone for it.
The fact that you and your boyfriend are ready to have children is great, regardless of your age and I’d say go for it. People will always pass judgement, just ignore them. You do what is right for you.
I think you sound really grounded, and so if you feel ready you should just go it!! I echo what is said above, people will always judge, its human nature. I am nearly 40 and having my first baby but that's just the way life has worked out for me but there will always be someone with an opinion. Good luck xx
I honestly don’t know what there is to judge. 21 isn’t really young, it’s just not the norm any more. People wouldn’t think of a 37 year old as an older mum now but maybe 30 years ago it wouldn’t have been nearly as common. You are both stable, planning for a baby, with good income prospects. I think worrying about being judged here would be the same as worrying about dying your hair red. Be proud that you’re in a really good position and that you are strong in your faith to make the right decision for you, not for others.
I had my son last year at 22, I was just finished with my final year at uni, with my dissertation outstanding, and my husband was 31 with a good job, we took 6 months to conceive, and I have to say it’s worked out great, I’ve not felt judged once, and I’ve got all the energy to put up with the sleepless nights and then now chasing him round as he’s crawling everywhere.
You’ll find your groove once you have a baby, some groups tend to have older mums in attendance, others have younger, you’ll learn which ones you prefer, and now with apps like peanut and mush it’s easier to find mums with things in common to meet up with
This is so good to hear! I obviously don’t know what parenthood is like but sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. How did your parents take the news? I feel like most parents would be thrilled but my mum has really big expectations for my career (which I happily will put on hold for a baby) and can’t help but think she will be disappointed and angry if I was to fall pregnant after graduating. My boyfriend tells me all the time that this isn’t her problem as I’m an adult and can make my own decisions. And I am not reliant on her for anything because I’m not living at home. But in reality I do want her to be happy for us and not disappointed (she’s a very stubborn woman haha).
My parents were also really pushing for me to wait to have a family, so we chose not to tell them it was planned, and while they were shocked they were only upset for the first day or so, after that they were incredibly supportive and absolutely adore their grandson, it was just a shock to them and I think as they were only 22 when they had me and they struggled for a while, they didn’t want me to go through that stress.
If you feel ready to start your family, then go ahead! Everyone judges someone for something so try to ignore any negative comments! My sisters had children quite roung (20, 22 and 23) whereas I'm pregnant with twins at nearly 28. Their kids are growing up and they've all been fine! Everyone is different lovely. Good luck on your journey whatever you decide to do! Xx
I was 18 with my first and let me tell you, it doesn’t matter how old you are people will judge. Don’t base your decision on people’s opinions! I’m sure you’ll be fab xxx
I was almost 23 when I had my son and I didn't think of myself as a young mum. I had the odd comment on my age but it was rare, I'm getting more now that I'm older when I tell people I have a 15 year old. Also just started trying for the next one so I'm sure the age gap will raise a few eyebrows 😂
If you feel ready and can manage financially then go for it and forget what anyone else thinks.
Not passing any judgement here but just wanted to say that having children is expensive. I would consider myself good at budgeting, I bought a lot of second hand baby equipment and kept my first baby's wardrobe for my second baby, plus getting lots of hand me downs from family. Money is still really tight.
Before babies, I was well qualified and had a fairly good paying job. I was very comfortable. I had my kids in my early 30s. Not saying you won't be able to do a great job of raising children, but there are some benefits to waiting until you're older, I know I didn't have much money after finished uni.
Wishing you and your partner the bes to luck with your decision to start a family. Try and do enough hours in employment so that you qualify for maternity pay because as someone who missed out (changed jobs and didn't qualify for any mat pay), it's been really hard living on a single income and all the savings I once had are now gone.
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xx
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