Her father is leaving... How will I go on?

[ace123]

Hi all,

It's been a while.

My daughter is six months old now and after a difficult first three months I am now really starting to enjoy her. I couldn't breastfeed and so I had to work hard to build a deep bond.

I have been with her father for six years and though we are young and she wasn't planned. We both felt we could rise to the challenge.

Her father proposed to me when I was nine months pregnant. What a fool was I to say yes and start getting excited about the idea of a wedding, buying a house and building a life together.

He has since admitted that he only proposed because of the baby. If I'm being honest, I feel bitter that he took that special moment away from me. Obviously, as young first time parents, a baby was a shock to the system and all the time I had to focus on her father before was redirected to the baby. He started saying that I was tired and mean to him all the time etc.

As time moved on, he went out drinking with his work mates a lot. So much so that I was unable to attend an assessment day for a job I applied for (he had agreed to the childcare but was in no fit state to look after her). Then earlier this week, my grandma started failing in hospital and my mum called all my siblings back home to say goodbye. I text him about it as he was out shopping after work with some work mates and he replied 'what time do you want me home'... No how are you or do you think she'll pull through... Then when I called him three hours later, he was in the pub...

It's just so clear that he doesn't respect my dreams and ambition, nor is he a solid support network. When I broached the subject this evening, he said that he wished he could love me the right way but he just didn't feel the same about me as he once did and that he was leaving...

I'm really sad about how this has all turned out and about and I guess my question is...

How will I carry on?

[rachf]

I am so sorry to read this.

In short though, it sounds as if you have been 'single' for a long time and the only parent taking any responsibility. You've made it 6 months, so you will carry on just fine my dear, keep doing what you have been doing for your little girl and do it without being surrounded by negativity from your partner. Looking after a little baby you need all the support you can get, and it's clear he isn't fulfilling that role, if anything he is probably making your need for support even bigger by adding extra issues to your plate.

Now is the time to tap into support from your family and friends. Take up babysitting offers to give yourself some 'me time'. Now you don't have to focus on fixing a relationship, take the time to instead focus on your girl, and those dreams and ambitions. xx

[gemgemb in reply to rachf]

I could not agree more!

[ace123 in reply to rachf]

Thanks so much for your response. I agree entirely with what you are saying...But I feel that there is something very wrong with me.

After I posted this and got all geared up to be the strong independent woman I had hoped I one day could be, he said that he would need to stay in the house until he found somewhere new. Though he never made any particular effort to find somewhere else, we were existing in the same house and just passing like ships in the night.

Then I think I just lost my nerve and begged for him to take me back... After all the years of cheating, violence and emotional abuse! He is bad news! But it seems that I'm addicted to the misery of it. How can that be?! I know it's not healthy and not an example I want to set for my daughter.

I can feel a dark cloud coming over me and I think I might be getting depressed. Could it be post-natal depression? Maybe I am the problem like he says after all?

[VRT102]

What a rubbish situation for you but to me, you sound extremely level headed about it. And there's no point in trying to put off the inevitable if it's really not going to work.

I'm a young first-time mum too, so I know how daunting it is when you're trying to make a life for yourself too. In this phase of your life particularly, you need that solid support network, not someone who's going to pull you down. But that support network is there, it's your family and friends. All those friends who've said they'll babysit and you've kindly smiled and said 'sometime yes' while actually never intending to use them? Now is the time to give them a call. I completely agree with what rachf says.

I suppose life just goes on. You're a mummy, so you're strong, and you sound like you've got a sensible head on your shoulders. The only thing I would say is try to make sure you stay friends with him as much as possible (that old cliché!), because your baby will benefit from that.

Really hope you get through this ok. If you need to talk, just drop me a message. We're here for you x

[ace123 in reply to VRT102]

Sorry for copy and pasting, I wanted all of the ladies who were kind enough to respond to see this.

And thank you for responding, it really means a lot not to be alone throughout this, most of my friends are tired of listening to the same old. They all think I should have left him a long time ago. I agree entirely with everything you touched on...But I feel that there is something very wrong with me.

After I posted this and got all geared up to be the strong independent woman I had hoped I one day could be, he said that he would need to stay in the house until he found somewhere new. Though he never made any particular effort to find somewhere else, we were existing in the same house and just passing like ships in the night.

Then I think I just lost my nerve and begged for him to take me back... After all the years of cheating, violence and emotional abuse! He is bad news! But it seems that I'm addicted to the misery of it. How can that be?! I know it's not healthy and not an example I want to set for my daughter.

I can feel a dark cloud coming over me and I think I might be getting depressed. Could it be post-natal depression? Maybe I am the problem like he says after all?

[VRT102 in reply to ace123]

Deep down, I am sure you already know this, but you are NOT the problem. That is textbook emotional abuse: the abuser will make their victim feel as though they are worthless and deserve everything they get. You are stronger than that, and you deserve better than that. And even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your beautiful little girl. She can't grow up witnessing this. She will learn that women are second-class, and she will grow up expecting men to treat her badly. For your own sake, and hers, I urge you to change the situation.

I know it's far easier said than done. I count myself lucky enough to have never been in such a situation so I can't pretend to fully understand. But my heart really goes out to you.

There are so many women's charities who can help you and your baby girl. They will help you to break the cycle and build your confidence, and to become the very best woman and mother you can be. The strength is within you, you just need to find it.

Please feel free to PM me. Like all of us on here, I'm here to support you, even if that just means a good chat.

Sending you and your baby girl lots of love and hugs xx

[Pe4cefr0g]

Oh dear, this sounds like exactly what I went through with my second baby. My partner left when my son was 6 months old and I was in bits. He sounds just like your ex and was a total swine This was 8 years ago now and it took me a few years to realise it was the best thing that ever happened. I took a breakdown after the split but once I recovered, I went to college and got into uni and I am now just about to graduate after having to take 2 years out due to illness. I now have a lovely new partner who is the complete opposite of my ex and I am pregnant with my 3rd child. You will cope because you are a woman and you have a baby which relies on you. It will be hard but I used all those years after my ex left to focus on me and my kids and it has benefited us all immensely. I never knew how strong I was until I had to cope with kids, illness and uni on my own with no family but I survived and I am a better person for it. I could never imagine being with someone so selfish and inconsiderate now and I stayed away from men until last year when I met my current partner. My advice to you is not to jump into any more relationships with horrible men and go and do what you really want to do. Your daughter is your world and it's up to you to be the best parent possible for her and you can be. You must believe you can do this and you will be rewarded for it I promise. You and your daughter deserve better and you will get better if you believe you deserve it. I wish you all the best and I really do hope this arsehole leaving you will be the making of you, like it was me xxxx

[ace123 in reply to Pe4cefr0g]

Sorry for copy and pasting, I wanted all of the ladies who were kind enough to respond to see this.

And thank you for responding, it really means a lot not to be alone throughout this, most of my friends are tired of listening to the same old. They all think I should have left him a long time ago. I agree entirely with everything you touched on...But I feel that there is something very wrong with me.

After I posted this and got all geared up to be the strong independent woman I had hoped I one day could be, he said that he would need to stay in the house until he found somewhere new. Though he never made any particular effort to find somewhere else, we were existing in the same house and just passing like ships in the night.

Then I think I just lost my nerve and begged for him to take me back... After all the years of cheating, violence and emotional abuse! He is bad news! But it seems that I'm addicted to the misery of it. How can that be?! I know it's not healthy and not an example I want to set for my daughter.

I can feel a dark cloud coming over me and I think I might be getting depressed. Could it be post-natal depression? Maybe I am the problem like he says after all?