Toxic relationship

[Hotpinkmum]

Good Morning Our son is 17 and in toxic relationship its been on and of .He is so kind and caring and treats her so well. She cheats on him talks to him like dirt. Always making out she is in the right she bullied our daughter his sister sends me awful mesg calling me all names .Stops him going out with mates and 8f he gose out with his mates makes a huge deal put of it.She checks his phone when he is not in the room.last nite it kicked of as he went out with mates to play football she called him saying he lies and will never change he let me and his dad listen to the call and it was shocking how she was talking to me it was awful .Just don't get how a girl can be so nasty so belittling him make him say sorry for what demanding he bikes to hers at 11.30 at nite .She is not welcome in our house and never will be .It is causing a problem with his mental health thinking he is the bad person.He such a lovely boy and she has changed him so much like from a active boy to a quite and not seeing his mates.We tell him this is not a healthy relationship just don't get why he just don't call it a day they called it a day back in march then last month they started talking and seeing each other again. It is going round in circles it works few days then within few days she flips .It was the call last nite that shocked us she has done so much to him but he still wants her in his life. She has hit him chucked drinks at him pulled his chain of him and broke it. Just don't no what to do

[Mum35]

Hi

I hope this helps, or at least gives ideas to think about.

I think as a parent the only thing we can do is to be a sounding board and reflect non judgmental questions back at him. “ how did this make you feel?” “have you ever behaved like that ?” “ if this situation occurs what can you say to your girlfriend to tell them how you feel”.

Try and empower your son by giving them tools to make decisions for themselves. There will always be good things/ moments/ intimacy that are part of his relationship that he keeps private that makes the not so great bits pale in comparison. Declaration of love and enjoyment of sex will always override everything else. It’s important to not dismiss his relationship as a childish infatuation - to him and her it may feel like the most important thing in the world.

The girl may not be all bad. She’s learnt how to behave in relationships through watching people around her, watching shows on tv/ films, and reading magazines. Her own friends also will affect on the relationship. Girls gossip and tease and can actually make you feel more insecure - mainly because they’re making it up as they go along, or playing out roles they’ve seen on ‘gossip girls’ or ‘sex in the city’. testing boundaries is completely normal for everyone including your son and occurs throughout life.

By stopping her from coming to the house may actually add a level of excitement for both of them. Teenagers are very dramatic and the whole forbidden love, the Romeo and Juliet situation is fascinating for them. By letting her under your roof and normalising it, may give you more of an objective idea of their behaviour to each other. Sitting down calmly as the adult and saying “I received this message from you can you explain it? “ will make her realise the effect her words have. If she is important to your son, it may be you need to help her learn how to be in a relationship too.

17 is an interesting age. Not really a dependent teenager but also not a self sufficient adult. Decisions about his future; be it university or work or apprenticeships or travelling, will be affected not only by his own goals in life but also parents, teachers, friends and girlfriend will have an opinion and all affect his view.By exploring his next steps in a productive way will help him make sense and be excited about his future. It’s also important to understand her next steps too and what direction she’ll be taking. Is this compatible to his goals or will they need to come to the conclusion they are going in different directions.

The cheating element is also a learning tool in itself and taking him to get an STI check up is a huge wake up call. Of the many effects that cheating has - this can have a huge impact.

Good luck. You’ve got this!

El

[MrsHello Community Ambassador]

Hi,

How have things been going since you posted? You got some great advice from Mum35. Has anything helped? I have 3 teens and I have found especially with my older teens that it’s hard for them to hear advice, especially if they believe or want to do the opposite. I’ve had to learn not to go head to head and to allow them to do things that maybe wouldn’t be my preference. It’s so hard but I try and set some ground rules at the same time. So I say things like ‘if you do go out to a party, you have to think about how to keep yourself safe etc’. I’ve found most other ways leads to walls being put up and it becoming harder for us to deal with confrontation or problems that arise from their behaviour.

I guess I’ve slowly learnt to let them make their own mistakes, no matter how much I hate it. I feel like if I’m able to be there for them if it goes wrong I can help them learn to deal with it. Honestly the toddler bit was so hard I remember thinking the teen years can’t be that bad, but the things you end up facing with teens is so different but equally difficult. Good luck lovely 😊