Bad news

I started having cramps and bleeding yesterday evening. After eventually managing to talk to the out of hours GP clinic as we didn't know what to do, we went to A&E. In the early hours of this morning, we were given the news we'd been dreading. We'd lost our baby at just over 11weeks of pregnancy. Even though I knew it was on the cards because of the amount I was bleeding it was still a huge shock to hear the words that they could see the amniotic sac but there was no longer a baby there. Absolutely heartbroken. This was our first pregnancy. I know miscarriage is very common but you still continue to have hope until it's confirmed. Obviously it's still very raw in my mind right now. I feel so hopeless as there's nothing I could have done and I now just need to wait for it to run its course. Has anyone else been through this? How did you learn to cope? We were so excited and looking forward to our first scan next week so we could tell everyone but now I've had to deliver bad news to people. I just feel awful.

18 Replies

  • Hi I am so sorry. It's absolutely horrible I know. I've had many miscarriages and you go through so many emotions. Take your time to grieve because it is grief. I always questioned what I had done wrong but there never really is a definite answer. People try and help but a lot of the time what they say doesn't. Just talk to your partner as much as you can and it's a process that you do move on from but never forget. You just cope because you have to but the way that happens is different for everyone and there are no right and wrong ways. The last I had was at 12 weeks 2 years ago. x

  • I am so sorry to hear this. I know exactly what you are going through last April we went to our 12 week scan had no idea something was wrong (unlike you) had no bleeding/ cramps, even when she was doing the scan i was going on about how cute and so on, bout 5 minutes she tells us she cant find a heartbeat, felt like heart just broke instantly, 2 weeks later i had a operation to remove the pregnancy as miscarriage had not happened naturally although i didn't want a operation looking back now however i am pleased i did, because although i bleed for weeks after op i never actually had to pass baby (if this makes sense). i found having a few weeks off work helped me cope as i am a waitress even when i went back and saw families coming in it would choke me up, i also found that although it was not good news we still told family as i needed time off work and was always crying felt like we needed to tell them why, same with my step kids who at the time were only 13 and 15 at the time (we were not sure about this though) however proved to be right decision as the support i received was fantastic. we had been trying for over 5 years so although this was the worst thing ever, i found comfort in knowing that i could get pregnant so i made this my focus i wanted to become pregnant again as soon as possible (this may not be right for you though, its such a terrible thing you may just want to grieve). there is no right way to cope cry, scream, talk to partner but dont bottle it up. it will always be with you but it does get a little better with time, even now nearly a year on i had a cry just last week about angel baby. i thought about buying a piece of jewelry or getting a tattoo, just couldn't find anything right for me. even if you feel like to cant chat to partner or family talk to us! this website is soooo good there are so many wonderful people on here that are full of useful advice. again sorry for your loss.

  • Thank you so much Katie and Rebecca. Hearing your own experiences has helped. I've got the rest of the week off work and my manager has been really understanding and said if I need longer then that's not a problem. My husband is really supportive and he's trying to be strong for me even though I know he's going through all sorts of emotions himself. We are quite positive people, this has just knocked us quite a bit. We are happy that we at least know now that we can get pregnant and that next time i will be monitored more to keep an eye on what's happening so that's a positive for us to focus on. I think I've already decided I'd like us to try again as soon as we can but know I need to make sure I recover fully first. This is a great site to just write down all your feelings and know others have been through similar experiences and understand what you've been through. It's much more difficult to try and explain what you're feeling to someone who hasn't been through it. Thanks again both x

  • Your very welcome! When you feel you have recovered try clear blue ovulation tests, I thought I was ovulating day 13-14 turns out i wasn't but it was day 18 probably why ur took so long in first place. Had first period 8 weeks after op, then I started using the tests and fell the next month only 3 months total after loss, so hopefully will be quick for you too. Your lucky your positive people my partner is but I am not for weeks after I was very angry (why me?), felt sure ur was my only chance and I had blown it. Keep in touch, privately message me if you ever need to its nice to chat to people who have been in same position, even though telling close family was great for me they still didn't really understand, take care X

  • No problem, miscarriage can be a very lonely experience I get that. I wish I had this place when I went through mine. Sometimes it just totally helps to unburden all those thoughts to people not so close in real life if you know what I mean x

  • So sorry. I had a miscarriage last year and it was really hard. I didn't know until I went for the scan and I had to have treatment as my body held onto the pregnancy. There are three things that helped me 1. At least I could get pregnant 2. It's the bodies way of saying this pregnancy wasn't right and if continued, could have caused complications or I could have lost it further on 3. It's extremely common, I think more than the statistics say, of the 5 women I knew that got pregnant around same time as me, 4 had a miscarriage, I wasn't alone. I am now 30 weeks pregnant with a little girl. 4 of those girls are now pregnant too with healthy babies so trust me when I say there is hope xxx xxx

  • Thanks Juliasss. They are the same things that are helping me through this too. That's a lot of you to have miscarriages but I guess it shows just how common it really is. I knew it was quite common but had no idea that statistics say over a quarter of pregnancies end in miscarriage until the doctor at the hospital told me. Far more than I realised. I am so pleased you now have another on the way and that you're so far along with her. I wish you all the best and hope I can be in a similar position to you in future xxx

  • I know exactly how you feel, I miscarried in August at 12 weeks, and I felt and still feel so empty and upset! My baby had died at 9 weeks, yet my body didn't catch up until I was due to be 12 weeks. I never got to have scan of my baby and by the time I got a scan, the baby was already gone. I felt so much better reaching out and speaking to women that have gone through this and realised how common it is and how I am not alone in the feeling. I was the first of my friends and family to have gone through this so it was a very lonely time. I am currently 5 weeks pregnant and I am terrified that it could happen again, but positivity will get you through! Remember, you're baby is an angel and is always with you. Take care x

  • It's so heartbreaking. I never got to see my baby either. I think that was one of the worst things. I just saw the empty sac on the scan with a hole in it where the baby had already come out. That image will stay with me for a while. My mother in law went through a miscarriage before she had my husband so has been able to offer some comfort. It's not quite the same as sharing with people who have been through it recently though. Thank you for sharing. Congratulations on being pregnant again! It gives me hope. And I have my fingers crossed that everything goes well for you this time xxx

  • We are miscarriage soul sisters :-) There will be good and bad days but I'm here if you ever need a chat - you will have your rainbow baby xx

  • My heart goes out to you 1000 times over. It feels like life will never be the same again and that you will never heal but give it time and the pain will ease. You need to first of all look after yourself and make sure you relax and let your body come to terms with what's happened as well of course mentally, don't rush into anything until you are 100% ready and when you are dont worry! Hard I know but each pregnancy is different, miscarriages happen for a reason, it wasn't right this time but next time you might have no issues! I remember thinking ide never be a mummy but I've just had number 4! ( I also have 4 babies in heaven)

  • Thank you for your message. I can't imagine what it must be like for you going through this four times. It's reassuring knowing you have 4 children now though. I realise I need to make sure I look after myself at the moment. I went for a walk today and a spot of lunch which really helped....until I saw a couple with a baby and just broke down. So difficult but I'm sure it will get easier with time. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm sure I will get there. Xxx

  • Am so sorry for your loss, I was in a similar situation to you and the other ladies commenting. I was pregnant and went for my 12 week scan, I remember sitting in the waiting room and me and my partner were so excited talking names and commenting on all the pregnant ladies around us and I will never forget going in for that scan and watching my partners face change, he realised there was no sound, no heart beat, I didn't even pick that up until the midwife said anything, our baby had died at 9weeks and 6 days, I then had an awful time with the doctors calling my baby a 'product', explaining that I needed to stay in hospital to pass 'the product', I wanted to scream and hit them! I stayed in overnight in Oct 2015, I remember delivering the baby and it was a perfectly formed little thing, I took a picture, whether that is right or wrong, but for me it means a lot as it wasn't a product, it wasn't a partial product as the doctor said could happen. it was a horrendous experience and I didn't deal with it at all, in fact it took me 6 months of bottling it all up, not speaking to anyone for me to finally break and I was signed off work for 2 months. Now, I am 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant and terrified and just hoping and praying that all is ok, I had an early scan last week which showed me the babies heart beat so that filled me with hope, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, I believe my baby died because she just wasn't well enough for this world, I have a tattoo, just a small one and we have a remembrance plant in our back garden. I will always remember our angel baby. My advice is grieve, make sure you don't bottle anything up, talk about it openly, but above all else, try again, don't fear what may or may not happen, when the time is right you will know, I have my fingers crossed for you xx

  • Thank you for sharing. It must have been awful being so excited about the scan and being told that news. I can't believe the doctors referred to your baby as a 'product' though. That's so insensitive. One of the doctors at the hospital didn't have a great bedside manner (there was a bit of a language barrier between us) but she did tell me things in a factual sense and certainly made sure she said baby and nothing else.

    I actually have no idea if I've passed the baby or not yet. There's a possibility I did when I was originally having cramps and started bleeding but I was panicking so much I didn't even look in the toilet. They couldn't find the baby on the scan so it's possible it did come out. They didn't really mention it though so I don't know what to expect.

    I am trying to be honest with people about what's happened. Its difficult but I know it will help. I've got some very supportive friends and family - I've been amazed at how they have offered to drop everything this weekend and come over if I need them (they're all at least an hours drive away from me). I can't face seeing anyone at the minute though. I may change my mind in a few days.

    I wish you all the best with your current pregnancy! It must be reassuring to have had a scan already and see your baby's heartbeat. I hope I am in the same position as you soon enough! Thanks again xx

  • I'm so sorry you and your partner are feeling this awful pain.

    From my own experience I would say (like I'm sure many others have already sad) - take your time to grieve and heal, it is important that you deal with all your feelings; otherwise they may creep up on you later.

    After my first miscarriage my hormones were all over the shop, I was in a hurry to get pregnant again and I was an emotional mess. Looking back I can say I didn't grieve probably - I just wanted to move on. Something that really did help my hormones settle was acupuncture - I really hope you don't have that issue.

    Please remember that you are not alone. There are millions who have walked in your shoes and have come out of the other side.

    Since my miscarriages my faith in God has deepened greatly. Not sure if you are religious but it might be worth drawing on that if you are.

    Best wishes for the future. This pain won't last forever. Xx

  • Thank you for replying. It was difficult today when I went for my blood tests to check my hormone levels were dropping and there were crying babies around. I am definitely grieving already. I may get something to remember my baby by such as a locket or something. I'm not a religious person so don't have that to draw on but I do have some great friends who are willing to drop everything and come see me when I'm ready. I think that will help a lot. I may well give acupuncture a try - thank you for this tip! And you are right, I can be rash and rush into things when I'm emotional. My husband is pretty good though and I'm sure he will make sure I am completely ready before we rush into anything. I'm sorry for your loss, thank you so much for sharing xxxx

  • Sounds like your gonna be fine, and you have excellent support.

    Stay well. X

  • So sorry about your loss. It is an absolute shock even though there are statistics, you just don't believe it will happen to you. Out of my 4 pregnancies I had two miscarriages, both different and both truly awful.

    There are two things that helped me. One was looking at things very scientifically, the sperm and the egg just didn't meet properly. Having looked at videos of the process I can see how unlikely it is to work 100%. Both of mine progressed until 11/12 weeks but then that stage of development was obviously not possible. It is hard to grow a baby, you didn't do anything wrong...just not the right fit this time.

    Secondly I am so lucky to have two wonderful children (6 and 3). Had my other pregnancies been healthy I would have had other children. Of course they would have been amazing but I would never had met these wonderful personalities who were supposed to be my children. Does that make sense? Sounds crazy but it helped me...I still think about the babies I could have had and at the time it was devastating but time does heal and you do work out a way to cope.

    Give yourself all the comfort you need and be the positive person you say you are. It's still in there, just going to take some time to come back.

    And I also recommend the clear blue ovulation tests...I tried cheaper ones online but didn't work. Got pregnant first time with the smiley face.

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