Having a bad day :-( Support required from lovely mummies!!

Having a bad day :-( Support required from lovely mummies!!

Hi all lovely mummies!! Emilie is now 5 weeks old (tomorrow) and doing great. The last 5 weeks have been hard at times, easy some days. It seems motherhood has come back to me quite easily after an 8 year gap and everyone has taken the new arrival into their stride. Her daddy is great and gives her a bath every night, her brother is all over her and her sister is looking from far away but enjoying having a new sister. I have been breastfeeding her which hasn't gone smoothly at all. She has been using me as a dummy and has been seeing her feeds as the way to sleep. I have ended up with mastitis and was really quite poorly with that (flu like symptoms) and it lasted for a week. Still, I have soldiered on and gone through it... I have now started bottle feeding as I always said that I woud ebf for a month (I really hate it and find it restrictive). It has gone ok so far but she doesn't seem to be feeding properly. She merely has 60 mls maximum and is back two hours later for more. It drives me insane, I can't get anything done and my house is a tip. On top of that, she doesn't really settle to sleep during the day unless in my arms or left to scream it out. Every evening, she is unbareable and just needs to be in my arms, half asleep then waking up etc and so for hours until her bath time. So I am stuck in the sofa every single night with her and can't relax or enjoy the company of my children or partner. At night, she has a bath at about 9 then goes to bed after a long feed and usually only wakes up twice and goes straight back to sleep without a fuss so my nights aren't bad at all and I think she's doing amazingly well on that front. Thank God!

Today I am just fed up with it and wishes she would stop being so clingy!! My partner, although lovely, doesn't understand my cries for help sometimes when I say I'm fed up. He just replies that I knew it would be like this and that she needs me and that it's my job to look after her and keep her in my arms because it is what she needs at such an early age. Now I don't disagree but God, sometimes it's annoying!!! And sometimes I wish he'd just tell me he understands and give me a cuddle!! I need to hear that I'm doing an ok job at it and that I'm not a lousy mother who wishes her baby would disappear for a few hours! I just feel a little mean and useless sometimes when I let her cry even though she wants my arms. But I have things to do, meals to cook for my other kids and some clothes to wash.And I'm at it 24/7, 7 days a week. I don't want to be using a sling or she'll be used to just being attached to me again, I just want her to be a bit more independent like my son was at this age. He used to sit in his bouncing cradle and watch the world go by then fall asleep... My eldest daughter , on the other hand, used to cling to me until she was about 3 months old and it drove me to insanity and almost over the edge of the dreaded PND. And that's the last thing I want.

I suppose I'm just having one of those days full of doubts. Am I messing things up by introducing bottles? Is it normal for her to eat so little and so often? Am I being selfish? Am I expecting too much too soon? Is she eating enough? Is she spoilt? Am I just a horrible mummy? To top it all up, we got a phone call yesterday from his mother telling us that I dress her like a tomboy and that she should be wearing cute little dresses and stuff. All that after I posted a picture on Facebook of her (the one above) with her cute girlie purple corduroy trousers I had bought months ago for her. It got me infuriated that she would dare ring to tell us what our daughter should be wearing, especially after I had posted that I was so happy about her cute trousers!!! Anyway, that one is sorted now and I am not angry anymore (although I don't understand why anyone would do such a thing) but it has just added to my feeling bad.

I know this is a long and winded moan, I am feeling frustrated and angry with the world so I apologise, I guess I just needed to get it out as I'm sure I'm not the only one who is full of doubts and guilt like this... Sorry I don't have any medals to give out but well done for reading my drivel if you made it to this last sentence :-)

14 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Aww bless ya hunni. Its so hard all this parenthood malarkey. I have a very clingy daughter who is 7wks and screams the second she is put down anywhere. She co sleeps with me n my partner but he is now frightened to sleep beside herafter he almost rolled ontop of her (luckily I caught him) so its all me that has to look after her and the sleepless nights are staring to ware on me. I got really angry a few nights back and had to put crying daughter down and punch a pillow til I got rid of my frustration. I guess im trying to say that ur not alone and u shouldn't feel guilty for wanting ur space. I would love enough time just to chill in the bath for an hour with a glass of wine.

    Well done for having a rant. Its good for u. Try telling ur hubby that u don't need an "I told u so" attitude and to just give u some much needed cuddles. He probably doesn't see y u would b upset and can't relate so be straight with him. Guys r rubbish at hints and subtlety.

    I really hope our babies get to feel more secure soon before we all lose our marbles xxx

  • Oh yes, it's so hard,isn't it? I don't envy your position co sleeping... I would be too scared to crush her too, especially since I know I am a very heavy sleeper. Luckily, she leaves me alone at night, she is really good and already slept more at night when I was pregnant. She seems to know the difference. I have become immuned to the little noises she makes before she wakes up properly and only wake up at the first screeam, feed her and then she goes back to sleep without a fuss (most times). My partner doesn't share this immunity and sleeps so badly that he now sleeps somewhere else most nights.

    I understand your frustration, it must be tough to have a mini me attached to you even at night. I can cope with the clinginess most days because I get to do the starfish at night in bed!

    And yes, men don't get subtleties... I had this conversation with my mum and my sister over the phone, all three of us had a similar story that day about men not understanding us!! I have now explained to my partner what I was expecting when I said I was fed up and he is very good at listening and has reassured me eversince. I guess I am lucky to have an oversensitive man who does listen and does go out of his way to help me. It's just that the comments have kept coming but he is tired too and sometimes not very patient which is understandable. They can't possibly relate to us and what we're going through. On top of the care we have to give our babies 24/7, there's all the trauma we have been through with the pregnancy and the birth which still affect us for months after. I know I am still traumatised and frustrated from having a horrible pregnancy and equally awful birth, I feel fat and ugly, can't have a bath with a glass of wine or do my nails (not that I ever have them done but they're too long and need cutting for goodness sake but when ?)...

    Thank you for answering me, I do hope your days and nights get better and your little one settles down... I have noticed an improvement since Emilie can see better, she follows me around the room with her big eyes from her bouncing cradle and I get to do the washing up or have a quick shower sometimes without the screams as long as I keep talking to her or put music on she can listen to. And sometimes, well, I let her scream and she eventually goes to sleep because there's no way I can pick her up at that moment and she drops off...

    All the best to you and let's keep the faith! They will soon be walking and we'll wonder where the times of them holding our fingers tight in their tiny hands have gone! xx

  • Hi. I just wanted to say that I'm a first time mum and love it but have found it so hard at times. I think it's amazing you are coping with more than one! Just keep reminding yourself that in no time at all it will get to a magical point where all of a sudden everything clicks and it gets easier. And you will get to cut your nails and that glass of wine in the bath will taste all the better for having had to wait. No advice really but after having some lovely ladies offered me moral support I wanted to pay it forward. :)

  • Thank you Lj13, it's much appreciated to know I'm not alone :-) I can't wait for that bath, trust me ha ha :-)

  • Sounds tough! Have you tried putting her down in different things in case she just doesn't get on with the bouncy chair? I heard you can gst these poddle pod things although I never tried them myself, or bring the Moses basket downstairs in the day? My LO would only stay on the pram when sfrjd was little so we let her lie in that.

  • hi why not breastfeed at night and bottle during days (some feeds) thats what I did till 14 weeks I also have a family and chores to do!with formula she may last 3 hrs,shes only small she will need lots of feeds till you wean her I weaned at four months and he did great,hes 8 months now babbling sitting and crawling/rolling,soon yo will be worrying about her not feeding when she teething etc this frequent feeding time passes so quickly! just chill and enjoy her now wait till shes teething like my monkey and crawling everywhere my monkey! My oldest is in his twenty's I have lots of experience,as a mum of four!back with my first son we all weaned at 3 months and Bf fr six weeks max those days that was considered the norm all our children have been blessed with good health!

  • oh my baby loved the rocking bouncy chair and slept in it when rocked a few times daily.Now hes learnt how to shuffle out of it so he has a baby walker!he hated his basket and his Bf was very similar to your babies.JUST KEEP AT IT YOUR DOING GREAT!

  • She's so cute!! I love her little outfit, too. It's beyond rude to dictate to people what their children should wear. Personally, I'm not big on the whole 'girls have to wear girly things', and I intend to have my girl in onesies most of the time!

    It sounds like you're having a tough time, but you're doing really well! I'm afraid I can't advise you much on the bottle feeding, but if she's taking the bottle, the perhaps keep persevering? Also, you mentioned you were being used as a dummy - perhaps you could try a dummy?

    You're not being mean if you occasionally leave her to cry whilst you do other things, although I can understand why you may feel bad. Obviously it's be a different matter if she was crying because she was hungry etc, but if it's "for attention", and you're not away for long, then I don't think it's a bad thing. Keep talking to her whilst she's not in your arms, and make sure she can see you. Hopefully, it's a short term thing, and eventually she'll enjoy being held by other members of the family or sitting in a bouncer?

    I don't think men get it at all, do they?! It's great that he gives her a bath in the evening. But telling you that you 'knew how it was going to be' is a bit callous, although I'm sure he didn't intend it that way. From other posts I've read (not just on this forum), a lot of men assume we've got it easy, as we get to stay home all day whilst they work. Sorry, I'm getting into a bit of a gender row now! All I can suggest is to keep communicating with him, explain you know he's been at work all day, but you have been at home with not much 'me time'. Is there a way he could take part in feeds?

    Sorry if I'm rambling a bit....just wanted to offer some support...you are NOT a lousy Mother! X

  • Thank you so much all of you for your support and advice!! She seems to be slowly getting used to the bouncing cradle now so I have not lost all hope that she will settle down for a bit on her own. I think she wanted to be able to see where I was and what I was doing and she's better now she can see it seems. She still won't lie in her moses basket downstairs, I suppose because she can't see the room so position had something to do with it...

    The bottle/breastfeeding seems to be going ok, I like the suggestion of ebf at night and bottles during the day although I'm not sure how my boobs would cope. At the moment she is on three bottles a day and the rest is breast. It seems ok for us for now, she's happy and I'm ok. I have come to the conclusion that she is still little indeed and that must be why she doesn't drink anywhere near what they recommend on the box...

    I do let her cry from time to time when she has been fed and there's nothing i can do but leave her there so I suppose it's not going to be traumatising after all.

    As for my man, well, he is one in a million and you're right, he didn't really mean it that way, he just didn't know what to say. I have now explained to him that when I say I'm fed up it's a cue for an instant cuddle and he has understood. Last night he did the whole bath/bottle/bed routine with her very happily just because he wanted to spend some time with his daughter, I didn't have to ask.

    I suppose some days I see it all as doom and gloom but today I'm ok, so thank you very much ladies and OMG, what a rollercoaster!?!?!?! xxx

  • In regard to your feeding you could try weaning her on to the bottle by reducing the amount of time she has on the breast my little boy is 6 weeks on sunday and I feed him for 15 mins on each breast and then give him a 4 oz bottle which when I started out was only 2ozs as a top up and hes getting more for bottle as he knows he can get it faster than it comes from the breast. Keep up the good work your doing a fab job I know its not easy with other kids I have a 2 year old whos always after my attention as well as having to try cook, clean and do other jobs and if my partner is home he will take my 2 year old and the baby for a couple of mins so that I can take a breather even if its long enough to cook a meal or so I can pop a bit of washing in the machine or even fir a short period so I can go sit and have a coffee in the kitchen. Its amazing what a few minutes to yourself can do.

  • Hi there, your idea sounds great but at 5 weeks old, she only feeds for about 15 minutes on one breast only... That's what I mean, she eats little but often compared to other babies and my other two. I suppose I just have to accept it!! My partner has been brilliant at looking after her so I can have a shower in the morning before he goes to work or quickly do other things. The evenings are just difficult , she usually only settles with me. Last night, something weird happened though: he was out and I had just put her down asleep in her crib when he walked in. I went downstairs to talk to him and as soon as he started talking, she started crying. I went back up to rock her to sleep in my arms with her dummy and she went back to sleep. Put her down in her crib, went downstairs, carried on the conversation and yes, you've guessed it, she woke up as soon as he started talking. this happened three times so he went upstairs, held her in his arms, talked to her and she went straight to sleep and did not wake up again!! I could not believe it!! I didn't manage to calm her down, for once, she wanted him as she hadn't seen him all day. I'm so glad they have this bond and it gives me hope that she will eventually be calmed down and soothed by others than me.

    Thank you for your advice :-)

  • My little boy is kind of the same he tends to fall asleep on the breast but my my feeding routine involves ne putting him on both breasts for 15 minutes as i am one of the unfortunate ladies who can't solely breast feed as my milk production isnt great so by giving the bottle with the breast for my lo is a top up or else his weight falls. But if you give the bottle as a top up with the breast it will fill her more so she wont want to feed as often.

  • Hey, glad you're feeling a bit better. When I read your first post had a few suggestions, maybe try using a dummy to redirect her away from you? maybe your other half could watch the kids for an hour or two so you can chill? and you could return the favour another day. amazing what a difference a wee break can make although i find it tempting to catch up on housework! I put my son down about 7 or so and the space this gives me in the evening is priceless for me, i know lots of ppl find later better and is nothing wrong with it, just might give you a break and some quiet time with your other kids. Also, my son liked to see me too, i used a sling a lot when he was tiny, but moved him room to room so e could see me too. Even though i'm writing these suggestions, it sounds like your doing a great job. the main thing to remember is that they're building up attachment with you now, and will soon grow out of it. Before you know it, you'll likely be looking back at how hard it all was and issuing when was so wee, lol! Hope keeps on getting better and you get some rest :)

  • You're right Merida, time goes fast at this age, she already seems different than when I wrote my post! In the space of two days, she has settled more in her bouncing cradle, watching me do my thing in the kitchen or wherever I am. Last night, my partner managed to calm her down better than I could and this morning, my 8 years old son went to see her when she was crying in her crib and managed to make her stop, I don't know how. She was happily staring around the room and he was talking to her when I got there. She must be getting used to other people, slowly.

    The reason why we put her down to bed later is because she has a really good stretch of sleep until 1.30/2 o'clock every night but after that it's touch and go so I use that time to have my main sleep of the night too and go to bed at the same time as her. Once she jumps the 1.30 feed, we can start putting her to bed at the same time as the other two, which is 8 o'clock and then I'll have an evening with my beloved. I can't wait to be honest!!

    As for the break, I am now going out this Saturday with the mums (we've been doing it for years, every 6 weeks or so, because our husbands always went out and we didn't :-) ). We only go for a meal locally but it will give me two or three hours out of the house and with friends and ,mainly, without Emilie! I'll have to try not to speak about her all evening though ;-)

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to me :-)

You may also like...