Hi all lovely mummies!! Emilie is now 5 weeks old (tomorrow) and doing great. The last 5 weeks have been hard at times, easy some days. It seems motherhood has come back to me quite easily after an 8 year gap and everyone has taken the new arrival into their stride. Her daddy is great and gives her a bath every night, her brother is all over her and her sister is looking from far away but enjoying having a new sister. I have been breastfeeding her which hasn't gone smoothly at all. She has been using me as a dummy and has been seeing her feeds as the way to sleep. I have ended up with mastitis and was really quite poorly with that (flu like symptoms) and it lasted for a week. Still, I have soldiered on and gone through it... I have now started bottle feeding as I always said that I woud ebf for a month (I really hate it and find it restrictive). It has gone ok so far but she doesn't seem to be feeding properly. She merely has 60 mls maximum and is back two hours later for more. It drives me insane, I can't get anything done and my house is a tip. On top of that, she doesn't really settle to sleep during the day unless in my arms or left to scream it out. Every evening, she is unbareable and just needs to be in my arms, half asleep then waking up etc and so for hours until her bath time. So I am stuck in the sofa every single night with her and can't relax or enjoy the company of my children or partner. At night, she has a bath at about 9 then goes to bed after a long feed and usually only wakes up twice and goes straight back to sleep without a fuss so my nights aren't bad at all and I think she's doing amazingly well on that front. Thank God!
Today I am just fed up with it and wishes she would stop being so clingy!! My partner, although lovely, doesn't understand my cries for help sometimes when I say I'm fed up. He just replies that I knew it would be like this and that she needs me and that it's my job to look after her and keep her in my arms because it is what she needs at such an early age. Now I don't disagree but God, sometimes it's annoying!!! And sometimes I wish he'd just tell me he understands and give me a cuddle!! I need to hear that I'm doing an ok job at it and that I'm not a lousy mother who wishes her baby would disappear for a few hours! I just feel a little mean and useless sometimes when I let her cry even though she wants my arms. But I have things to do, meals to cook for my other kids and some clothes to wash.And I'm at it 24/7, 7 days a week. I don't want to be using a sling or she'll be used to just being attached to me again, I just want her to be a bit more independent like my son was at this age. He used to sit in his bouncing cradle and watch the world go by then fall asleep... My eldest daughter , on the other hand, used to cling to me until she was about 3 months old and it drove me to insanity and almost over the edge of the dreaded PND. And that's the last thing I want.
I suppose I'm just having one of those days full of doubts. Am I messing things up by introducing bottles? Is it normal for her to eat so little and so often? Am I being selfish? Am I expecting too much too soon? Is she eating enough? Is she spoilt? Am I just a horrible mummy? To top it all up, we got a phone call yesterday from his mother telling us that I dress her like a tomboy and that she should be wearing cute little dresses and stuff. All that after I posted a picture on Facebook of her (the one above) with her cute girlie purple corduroy trousers I had bought months ago for her. It got me infuriated that she would dare ring to tell us what our daughter should be wearing, especially after I had posted that I was so happy about her cute trousers!!! Anyway, that one is sorted now and I am not angry anymore (although I don't understand why anyone would do such a thing) but it has just added to my feeling bad.
I know this is a long and winded moan, I am feeling frustrated and angry with the world so I apologise, I guess I just needed to get it out as I'm sure I'm not the only one who is full of doubts and guilt like this... Sorry I don't have any medals to give out but well done for reading my drivel if you made it to this last sentence