Autistic son: Hi, I'm really struggling with my son... - Mencap

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Autistic son

Poetryinmotion profile image

Hi, I'm really struggling with my son age 31, he's wanting to move away from the area we live in, im terrified he wont cope, as all his family and friends are here, he has become very aggressive if he can't get his own way, he demands money all the time, what do you do if he orders a taxi home.. It has to be paid for or books into a hotel that has to be paid for, he's draining me dry and I'm ot strong enough to stand up to him, i tell him no all the time just end up arguing i don't want that & I've no support from family or otherwise I'm at my wits end. Any advice?

22 Replies

I would speak to social services and raise this as a safeguarding. You need help and support and so does your son clearly and they will be able to advise you. Good luck so difficult for you. You may also want to contact the carers association as they have an assessment they can do for you as a carer and offer help and support.

Thanks but social services haven't been much help either over the years, or otjer organisations

What about Mencap helpline

Same there, because he's an adult he csn make his own decisions albeit the wrong ones! He won't listen to reason he's incredibly stubborn

I would agree with speaking to social services, better still email them raising it as a safeguarding issue for you and your son. We had similar issues with our now 23 year old son and found that putting it in writing to them so there was a record or our concerns got things moving. As you say your son does not understand the consequences of his actions I would approach the Adult learning disability dept. Our son has now been living in supported living for a couple of years which he loves and has carers to help with things such as shopping and meal planning, but does have freedom to make decisions that are within his capabilities to make. We now have a much better relationship and he has developed his life skills much more than he would have done if he had remained living at home. On the money side do you have a Deputyship COP in place in which case you can give him a reasonable allowance to spend as he wishes with a budget for bills etc and teach him how to manage money to the best of his ability but maintain control of larger sums so he can not get ripped off .

He's been in two supported living homes & two unsupported didn't work out! I'm at thr end of my tether

Have you tried carer breakdown this maybe the way to go. Ring social services and tell them that’s it you’ve had enough you can’t do this anymore and see what they say. This is a carer breakdown and normally that does it. There is an emergency number you can call out of office hours.

Jofisher profile image
Jofisher in reply to Jofisher

Well then if he’s capable of making decisions then you are to and I would tell him to leave this will only get worse, he’s clearly making choices and your suffering because of them. You have to do something otherwise you’ll be enabling that behaviour to continue its hard but he has to learn his behaviour isn’t acceptable and your not putting up with it.

Lindypops56 profile image
Lindypops56 in reply to Jofisher

His capable is your son? Does he have additional support needs as well as being Autistic? If he does then he is classed as a vulnerable adult and social work have a duty of care to help him and you. Do you have any welfare or financial powers whereby you can control his spending etc.

Just because social services haven’t helped in the past doesn’t mean they can’t now or in the future - you won’t know if you don’t try.

the best thing to do is just go on with it and yes to social services as they can help

jazzy15 profile image
jazzy15 in reply to Jofisher

My 26yr old son Sounds similar to your son aggressive, demanding, no money management, I end up paying for everything, mines never held a job down.He decided to take a job 250 miles away, just 6 wks ago..... and I knew he'd fall apart, make mistakes, become a target, but I'd had enough, I encouraged him to go. I felt he needed to actually go and be fully independent on his own & make the mistakes, and I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore.

So far...

he ran out of money after week 1 (I've refused to help so he has had to find ways around it himself - not easy to do that but I stuck to my guns)

totally fell apart feeling like he couldn't cope,

he has annoyed people who thought he was odd because he's a little different,

he got severely attacked week 2 in the street,

he lost his Job week 3 - unfair dismissal after the attack, which I took a case to the company had a meeting via video with staff, and a week later they gave him his job back with reasonable adjustments.

I have details for all the agencies & support in the area, to contact as needed, a support worker from this end is also involved and will bring in support as he needs it, but atm we are leaving him to his devices with a very close eye, except I am involved with his employer now.

I'm sure he will make more mistakes, I expect he could become a victim of crime again, I have been beside myself..... But even with all this, I am beginning to see the start of some little changes, and as I tell him home will always be here for him to come back to & if he does I expect he will have a little more appreciation for myself & home.

Wow, yes he seems very similar, thanks for that, at least i know I'm not alone, good luck.

You definitely aren't alone.It's not easy by any means, but I had had enough, for my own sanity & my youngest daughter (very big age gap) I decided it was time for him to go and be fully independent, without me as his prop.

He needed to learn about why I couldn't afford something because I had to pay bills first, I'm not a human cash machine, why you can't speak to people like crap, that you can't sit up until 5am on a playstation because you have to get up at 6am, that doing laundry regular is important else you run out of clothes and it becomes a big job, that our home was clean because I do chores, it doesn't just stay clean. I needed him to realise how hard I work, that he doesn't see it because he sleeps all day, so when he gets up at 4-5pm that by the time he's had his breakfast and a shower, my day is over, I'm shattered and I'm not lazy as he thinks.

As you are well aware this list goes on, but I'd say let him go, do some research behind the scenes about the local area, and things like crisis team numbers, local asd groups, where he will be living, his local shops, Dr's, dentist, support groups etc... and make sure he can't access your finances, put the phone down when he starts demanding money.

I do have worries but now those worries are solely about him, not about how he is going to lose his temper with me, about how I will manage the next outburst, and with that I'm stronger to support the real needs.

Eeviee profile image
Eeviee in reply to jazzy15

You are amazing.!! It must have been very difficult for you but it sounds like you have thought it through and made a decision that you can live with. Hopefully your son will be able to make the changes he needs to. Best of luck.

This is difficult but tough love is the answer. Perhaps let him know you will no longer pay and be ready to tolerate the consequences. It won't be easy but you are enabling his behaviour with the best of intentions. It will go against your maternal instincts to do this but you will be doing both of you a favour in the longer term. At the moment he is not taking any responsibility for his actions.

Hi. Without knowing the full circumstances I can only make some general observations. My son has aggressive and challenging behaviour from time to time and in order to deal with it we try to understand the underlying causes or triggers for the behaviour and deal with that if we can or seek help from others including the organisations suggested. It’s all about behaviour management. So if your son thinks he wants to move away perhaps you could talk to him about why he wants to move and the pros and cons of doing that. This may take several attempts if he is not receptive initially. Tell him that you will help him to do what he wants to but that it will ultimately be HIS decision. Once he has thought it through fully he might then realise it’s not for him ? If he wants money and doesn’t have enough then perhaps he can be encouraged to earn it either from you for doing some task or other or get a job however small. If your son has unrealistic expectations generally or feels he is not in control of his own life then his behaviour may be a reflection of this. Only you know your son snd his aspirations so once you have worked out why he is behaving in this way and if it is out of the usual behaviour then you can start to work out how to manage his behaviour. Tough love is a difficult term but my tough love works by telling my son that I love him and will help him to be happy in any way that I can but I also tell him what behaviour is unacceptable so I would make sure he knows your boundaries. Hope this gives you some good for thought..

I am sorry you are going through this situation.Do you guts to let him move out and find out to himself. My son does the same thing. He is the same age with MS.

When i get tired I just take few days away.

I would let him go on his own with a fixed budget.

Good luck dear

Take care of yourself first!

A QuestionWhy does he have access to your account?

Sometime he will have to pay for his decisions. Din t you think so?

So sorry to hear of your situation so difficult to work out what would be best for both of you. You need to feel safe in your own surroundings I understand your worried for your sons safety but you have to come first! What about your or his GP, they maybe able to help! Social services may also help with independent living for your son! I do hope you get some help soon as you must be under so much pressure. Good luck!

Thank you

Hi my Son is autistic and has adhd he’s only 11 but your situation is something i am worried about for the future so i do hope you both get sorted. Best wishes! 🤞🏻

Same with my 30 year old son, He wanted his independence and we felt this was important we still support him on a daily basis in this own flat that is hard work ,it was easier when he lived at home. Tried social services for a bit of support as I feel that he could do with some support from some one his own age rather than his mum all the time but this is much harder to get once they are adults, I worry about when I am no longer able to support him

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