has anyone given birth to a new baby and has a disabled sibling? How have you introduced them during lockdown?

[LmAxInE]

I will be giving birth soon and worried about how my brother will bond with the baby.

[ulrichburke]

Dear LmAxIne.

Slightly oblique answer because I'm disabled - basically mentally handicapped/learning difficulties - and until very, very recently my only sister hardly even spoke to me. She still has big problems being seen with me and never lets me help out with anything though I offer to all the time.

Same with my parents, really. None of them ever got used to having a disabled child in the family and I was kept in a back room out of the way most of the time. So I'd say - inclusion. Make sure they're both included in everything. And make sure neither of them have to mix with people who see the disability first and jeer - that's been the death of my life, people like that. If they're both included, neither of them will see any difference between them and anybody else.

I can give an animal kingdom simile for that - dogs and cats! They're supposed to be eternal enemies, never bonding - but if there's a cat in the same family as the dog that's 'his' cat and doesn't count. You'll probably find those two get on fine together, even though he might still chase other cats.

So just make sure they're included in stuff together, even if you have to make allowances for whatever the disability is, and they should be fine. I know I would've been!

Yours respectfully

Chris.

[LmAxInE in reply to ulrichburke]

Chris,thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. My brother is very much included but doesn't live with us and can't really understand social distancing so could be high risk for Corona. He can't therefore come near my newborn. I'm looking for ways to help him bond with baby whilst not being near it.

[ulrichburke in reply to LmAxInE]

Dear LmAxInE

Does he have a tablet or computer? If so, could he virtually share being with the newborn, watch everything that's going on with it (or have the ability to if he wants to?) I still say it's basically inclusion, except it has to be virtual inclusion - to a point.

The Prime Minister said it's OK to play sports and stuff together if you're part of the same family. I heard him say that in his speech yesterday. So as you're all part of the same family, you could play together in a park now somewhere, the Prime Minister says it's OK to be in parks and sit down in them now. So he could be far more part of things now than he could've been a week or so back.

As you're playing sports together as part of the same family as you're now allowed to do, social distancing rules must by definition be relaxed as I can't think of many sports you can play 6 feet apart! So that shouldn't be a problem with him any more.

Sorry I misunderstood in the last reply, just going by personal experiences. Just don't let his disability be a barrier driving you apart, is all. We are all what we are, none of us are perfect. Disabilities are badges given to us by the able-bodied, don't let his define how you think of him, is all.

Yours respectfully

Chris.

[LmAxInE in reply to ulrichburke]

Thanks. Prime minister recommends if you are part of the same household you can play sports etc... He doesn't live with us. You are misunderstanding the point of my post. He's never and would never be excluded. Its a corona virus related post.

[Shue Community friend]

Hi, my niece has just had a little boy. We have been introduced via watsapp calls and lots of pictures. My son with learning disabilities loves seeing the photos and chats to him on video calls. He has made a welcome card and we are putting the photos in a growth album, one photo each month with date, weight and milestones. It's the best we have for now . Hope all goes well for you.

[LmAxInE in reply to Shue]

Thanks really helpful!! Good idea with a growth book and congratulations!!

[Sarah_Mencap in reply to LmAxInE]

hello

The growth book is an excellent idea. Here are a few more suggestions:

I wonder if there is anything your brother you can do in the run up to the birth - a sort of virtual baby shower? I am not an expert on baby showers but I have seen quite a few things online about how to organise one.

Have you talked to your brother about names? It can be fun getting suggestions from other people - as long as they don't expect you to listen to them. We have a great book called 'Cool baby names' and we all enjoyed looking in there and coming up with suggestions - some of them sillier than others.

It may also be worth seeing if there is anything your brother could make to give to your baby when he first meets them. Maybe a scrapbook where he all about him, and what he is looking forward to doing with them as they grow. Again this could include photos pictures.

I wish you the best with your baby. Such an exciting time and it is wonderful that you are making extra efforts to include your brother.

Let's hope this situation does last long.

Best wishes

Sarah