Feeling a bit down

[Aholidaywouldbenice]

My 10 year old's behaviour is pretty bad at the moment. I am finding that it is leading to arguments with my partner. He's very soft, and it is always down to me to tell our son off. School have been helpful, but ultimately it is me that has to cope most of the time. I don't think my other half appreciates this. i also don't feel like they support me when they get in. Just having a moan and wondered if anyone else has had this. Feeling a bit down about it all but I am sure I will cope.

[Shue Community friend]

Hi, sorry to hear things are getting you down at the moment. Have a chat to your partner and tell them you're frustrated re being the bad guy all the time and you need their support when it comes to disciplining your son. You could suggest you take it in turn when it comes to your sons bath/shower time and bedtime routine. Does your son attend any type of club? There are so many that are inclusive of most needs and it may be an outlet for your son and help with the behaviour, martial arts or judo promote discipline. Do you ever have an evening off to see friends or family or just do something you enjoy? At times being the main or sole carer can seem like the hardest, loneliest job on the planet but you are not alone, there's so many of us. I'm into my 27th year as a sole carer and have had sooo many ups and downs throughout, the past 2 years have at times nearly destroyed me as he has also developed a serious life long mental health issue on top of his other complex needs so I honestly understand when you say you're feeling down! Just take one day at a time and don't forget your own needs. Very best wishes.

[Aholidaywouldbenice in reply to Shue]

Thank you for your kind words. It is so nice to know I am not the only one. My partner and I have had a talk and they are going to help a bit more, particularly when I am tired out. We are also going to work on having a bit of time away, even if it isn't for long. You are right that is very hard to remember to look after yourself when you are so busy. My son doesn't do any clubs at the moment but I do like the idea of him burning some energy off. He sometimes responds much better with other people. I think his behavour is particularly bad for me. Thanks again

[Shue Community friend in reply to Aholidaywouldbenice]

Lovely to hear you have taken the1st steps towards addressing some of your own needs. I hope you manage to get a short break away, it's a change to the mundane and something to look forward to. Always here for a chat if needed, very best wishes.

[SamCJ66]

Although my son only has a mental age of 5, I had to accept that as an older teen, he is growing up and especially 'the dreaded hormones!!' I wont lie, it's been tough and we're not quite through it, but he is starting to calm down and rather than blaming everyone for everything, not liking school/ teachers and 'grunting' at everything, he is starting to realise that he is responsible for his own behaviour and can determine if it will be a 'good' day. I started to give him more choices - just little ones, like asking him if he wanted to watch telly for 5 more minutes or turn it off 'now', or a choice of what he wanted for dinner. We don't have 'orders' anymore, but 'requests'. In truth, the 'extra' 5 mins, isn't any more than I would have given anyway, and the food choices any different to the things I had planned. Even the 'requests' are the same as what I would have asked him to do, just worded a little differently. I suppose that I'm trying to give him some 'control' over his life, well the appearance of more control, anyway. I've also given him some little jobs to do, and although I have to ask him constantly to do them and how to do it, I'm hoping that it gives him a concept of responsibility. FYI He still hates school and the teachers (don't think that will change :/) and the only order I can give him is for mum hugs, lol. Not sure if this will help you, but hope you can find something that works and makes things a little easier for you.

[Aholidaywouldbenice in reply to SamCJ66]

Thank you. I like your idea of giving a bit of control/choice (rather than me just barking orders). I am going to give it a try. I also dread hormones. We're not quite there yet but I can see it coming soon. Your words do help. It is so good to hear how you cope, and to know it isn't just me.

[I_am_a_sibling Survey Community friend]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that this sounds really tough. It sounds like it's all been left to you to sort out and you feel so alone with it. It shouldn't be - you deserve more support. Thank you for reaching out on here, it's important to have a moan when you need to. I hope things pick up for you. Fx

[BlueberryYellow]

Hi

Sounds like you've had some great advice from other members.

I am currently writing this while having a weeks break on my own. My son and husband are home having lads time together.

My son is 21 and I put an enormous amount of myself into keeping him safe and well. This has at times left me feeling alone , fed up and exhausted and worse.... I think we all get down and it's ok - it is hard at times.

Keep doing your best - you know him better than anyone - but do try to make some time for yourself. It will help you recharge and rediscover yourself.

Very best wishes to you.