Olá world!

[Crawlswimmer]

Hello all!

I had never felt anger or sadness from the very fist moment I was tested pos. I just heard the news and thought. That s it! Another big challenge in my life. But not the biggest for sure. I decided to deal with treatment alone, keep the new situation alone, visit the doctor alone, reestablish alone, survive alone. It was easier than trying to find a partner to share good moments. I found out that it is harder to find a friend rather than deal with HIV.

That was a huge surprise to me. So I start developing activities like swimming, gardening and studying. Alone. Know what? I even forget that I have HIV, I got totally away from that issue and for me is nothing to worry about.

Yet I suffer. From solitude cause, with or without HIV, I find this a true and big disease: not having friends nor someone to share my life happily. Weird but absolutely true.

Maybe I m lucky cause I m strong enough to fight the mental consequences of HIV but I m not lucky cause I get weakened due to solitude...

[latinguy]

If you ever need a friend to talk to count on me.

[Crawlswimmer in reply to latinguy]

Hey,

Thx for your reply. That is generous of you. Actually I find myself thinking about how gay men socialize and I find that harder than the HIV problem it self. I don't know if it's only me but I'm much more affraid of solitude rather than the disease. Am I alone in this issue?

[Jimgndc]

If you ever need to talk I'm a good listener and have plenty of time.

[Crawlswimmer in reply to Jimgndc]

Hi there. Thank your for your reply. I don't know how to start this issue but I feel alone not because of the HIV but because men just loof for NSA encounters. May be this is stupid but I really am feeling frustrated about my life...

[Hidden in reply to Crawlswimmer]

You're not alone on that. I feel the same way. I think it's better to be like we are, alone, rather than "having" someone who's not really there

[Usccecil]

I thought i was the only one that reacted as such. and most all u said has been the same for me.

[Crawlswimmer in reply to Usccecil]

So I don't understand why no one is available as so many guys are under the same situation...

[MackAttack]

First - thank you for this genuine and honest look into your experience. I can tell you that mine has been quite similar - I tested poz in 1997 and took the same route of going it alone. Now, looking back, I realise the main suffering was the solitude.

I agree with Latguy - feel free to reach out. As for me, Im available anytime you need to talk, vent, or want to go for a hike or work in the garden

SF Bay area

[Reddog97]

Ola Crawswimmer,

Looks like you are making your first baby step back into the socializing world by talking about your experiences. Good for you. Like may of the replies you've received, I am great listener and can talk about my nearly 20 years of being poz. I personally found website that have hiv/poz chat rooms (hivnet.com as example) a great place to open up and socialize. I've made some great internet friends, a few I've actually met and built even stronger friendships.

Anyway, gladly listen and chat with you.

Tim

Central FL area

[Poz4Poz]

I find it comparable to trying to find a virgin in a brothel.

[Stress561]

Hi, you're not alone. I discovered I was poz in February and I felt/ feel the exact same way you do. I didn't/ don't how to break this news to someone. I felt if I dealt with it alone everything would be great. But I confide in a close friend and the support from health unlocked reassured me that it wasn't the end of the world.

If you ever need to talk, anytime I'm here

[Jahlove]

I'm here to talk if you want. Don't feel like you have to go through life alone.

[Nick2U]

I'll join the others in offering my friendship and listening ear. Like you I also chose to see my diagnosis on my birthday in 2014 as another challenge/opportunity for growth but was grateful didn't have to do it alone. I have an understanding hiv negative partner but have so many positive friends as well. If you can find a support group give that a try. Best wishes!

[Crawlswimmer]

Guys, obrigado for all your answers and support. Obrigado means thank you I n my language. Portuguese.

I know how hard is to find someone who really cares and follow you in sadness and joy. I live in constant sadness it s my lifestyle due to a mental disorder known recently to the society: bipolar disorder.

I was infected undergoing a very very depressive period in my life. I thought I was condemned by destiny in not finding love or any kind of friendship who would help me get out of this agony.

So I developed this feeling that I wasn't worth to the world, worth living. I realized I was on my way to comit suicide and slowly I was drowning in my sadness without any hope. I let everyone use me, I thought I didn't deserve any respect at all or I wasn't allowed to choose who I found attractive to me. To be chosen was something to be thankful about. I felt a homeless wondering around looking for a simple hug. I ve been to terrible places only to feel hugged although it wasn't the right place to get that. I cried whenever I got an anonymous hug, people I even didn't hear the voice or see. The minute they heard me crying I was left alone.

So my sadness was getting bigger and bigger. Unable to protect myself I was invited to spend a night in a guy s place and again I let him do all he wanted. I was infected. And I kept my sadness inside as well. Believe me I didn't care about getting the virus. I was looking for someone to love me. I knocked at his door again and again. No answer. Like hundreds. I slept with more than 500 men. I was trying and trying to find happiness. All I have is this stupid hope to be loved. My disorder is killing me. Not HIV. Doctors are not able to help me. Only luck and destiny could make a difference if only I could find only one, one, one guy who would love me as much as I would love him.

My mother and millions of people died due to this bipolar mental disorder that lead us to a fatal disease or death. This is my story how I was infected and how HIV doesn't harm me. Lack of love does.

[Hidden]

I'm experiencing exactly the same right now. I don't want be alone the entire life - what's the purpose of my presence in this world then? I have already got those dark suicide thoughts in my head... I used to think of this no more than once a month but since I had understood that nothing is going to change - I became really depressed. I'm just constantly not happy and it's getting more and more complicated to distract myself from this kinda stuff...

[Crawlswimmer in reply to Hidden]

I lost myself as I realized I cannot focus in anything but anger. That is what I found in me. I want to change, I want to fight. I assume I have a disorder, I just need help which is not coming from nobody. I feel the world I live in is infected and hope is out, out, out. I still breath and I do want to keep on breathing. But happy and that I don't know how...

[dvvb]

omg i needed that! what you wrote is so powerful! thank you, crawlswimmer!

[Crawlswimmer in reply to dvvb]

seems I helped you, that makes me proud somehow...