Is this high functioning asbergers?

Gordoncanada, I just read your post and found a lot of meaning in it for me. I too have the same unhappy relationship as Witsend. Every day I obsess if I should leave my undiagnosed Aspie husband and move closer to my daughter and grandkids in a different State or just hang in there. I have been hanging in there for 15 years and our relationship seems to be getting worse. I feel like I am walking on egg shells too and have many of the same issues as Witend. The only thing I have learned to do is to try and find a lot of close lady friends and at least I can engage in mutual fun conversation. Sometimes I even take mini vacations with these lady friends. The last big one I had with my husband was when we went to Spain and he left me in a restaurant. I had the flu and the flight was not fun with a low grade fever and coughing. As soon as we arrived in Madrid we found our apartment and walked a few streets down to a Irish Pub. We had pizza while my husband was engaged with a word game on his iPad. After eating I told him I was going to go find a bathroom and he said, "Um". After the bathroom break, I found him gone. The waiter didn't know where he was but the bill was paid. I stood by the men's bathroom for several minutes waiting for him to maybe come out. Finally after about 30 minutes of hunting for him I left. Fortunately I remembered the address of our rented flat. Nervously and upset , and having frequent breathless coughIng fits, I walked back by myself and found the apartment . I looked down the street and there he was walking toward me. I asked him why he left me and he would not apologize but just said "I didn't hear you and thought you went to a store." This is just one story of many I have; so now you know why I like separate vacations sometimes. We now have separate bedrooms too. What is left?

9 Replies

  • I was married for over twenty years with someone who was undiagnosed. If this person really loves you then may be he will think about being diagnosed. The most difficult aspect of Asbergers is the following through the consequences of their actions. These little bridges passing on the information don't work properly hence getting things wrong.

    The only advise I can give to go if the relationship is destroying you and making you so depressed as well it may be time to look after yourself. It may actually motivate your husband to get assessed. It won't change what's happening its if you can cope with his anxiety and depression, major factors.

    I have two sons recently diagnose as well, I understand. It's the bravery they go through every day that keeps me going.

    You also have to think about your daughter, how she must worry about you. It's a bit of a no win situation she must feel like piggy in the middle.

    If you do decide to split up it will be difficult but if you are virtually living separate lives now and the effect on you, depression, stress , talk to your daughter, be honest , I am sure you will come to the right decision for you.

  • I had over 30 years with an un-diagnosed Aspergers husband. I ended up deeply depressed and felt unloved and uncared for. My whole married life I've been a maid for him. He passed away in 2009 after a year of illness and I feel guilty because I'm so happy without him. When I look back on my life I can't believe I managed to cope.

  • Thank Mumski and Yiman for your comments. Yes, I believe it is a decision I will have to make. The good thing coming out of all this disclosure to this site is my husband has agreed to marriage counseling. Up until now he doesn't like to talk to me about our problems but finally admitted we had tons. One word of caution: After seeing the counselor myself last Fall (when my husband refused to go with me) she told me I needed to work on my medical problems first. I have. I now have a c-pap machine and I am going in for surgery on a problem that might be affecting my health for a long time. Surprise, surprise, I just found out that he did go to her by himself. Confused why he didn't tell me, but not really because he seldom tells me anything. When I told him that I was ready to leave (even with medical problems) to go live close to my daughter and grandkids in another State, he said "I went to the Counselor and she told me I did not have high functioning asbergers, end of discussion, I don't want to hear that label again." I e-mailed her and she said that it was her professional opinion even through she told me several times that her specialty was not adult asbergers and gave me a name of a specialized counselor for him. From a book I have read, this can happen if you choose a marriage counselor that does not know what to look for in adult asbergers nor how to test for it. She did not even give him a test of any kind and came up with a diagnoses after his one time visit. My husband is so smart; he can charm a lady when he focuses on it. ....She sure put all my requests for getting the right help for us in the circular file cabinet! Warning, seeking help can backfire! We will see....

  • My son also has aspergers and he diagnosed himself online. It's been a big relief to him to finally get a diagnosis as it explains all his problems. That's how I know my husband had it too, but he would never have contemplated the idea of investigating it. A diagnosis for my son has helped me too. Now I try not to get angry at things my son says or does because I know he can't help it and there are many things he can't do, especially if it involves explaining something to someone he doesn't know. People find that the way he talks is rude or aggressive but he's just being factual, using the minimum words to explain and get's very distressed because he can't make himself understood. Problems are many and varied, for example: We're having to save up for a brand new bathroom because he can't use a bath, sink or toilet that anyone else has used. We had a brand new bathroom fitted in our old house but we've recently moved house.

    Best of luck to you, I really do know what you're going through..

  • Thank you so much Mumski. My husband too can be rude and condescending which means he has little men friends. He always needs to be right and get verbally short with me if I try and interject any of my thoughts. We do best with separate bathrooms and bedrooms the same reason you mentioned. I noticed he doesn't like to kiss me on the mouth, even a little peck; and often gives me a short push if we hug greeting-- as if to say, "o.k. that's done, now move away." I would be much better if he would agree to a test but he goes ballistic if I mention the AS word. On top of it all, my counselor, told him in her professional opinion (although she does not treat ADULT asbergers and told me that) he doesn't have AS at any spectrum. This backfired big time. Thanks again for your support.

  • You're welcome. I hope everything works out for you.

  • Quite frankly I don't think he would notice if you packed up and left. I have always thought I had some form of autism, and I have been proved right. You have to ask yourself have you done everything you can to lead a normal life with your husband, if living with him is making you miserable, then go be with your daughter and her family. You owe it to yourself, you have done everything you can do. Why not go out there for a month or so and see how you feel.

  • Your response hurts but I think it is correct. Thanks you for your honesty, a short separation might be a good test.

  • I understand.  Many people absolutely hate labels but I don't know if that is a Asbergers thing or just universal.  He does sound like he has some traits of Asbergers but something else too.  Keep reading and joining blogs and maybe it will help connect the dots.  This is so complicated.  I believe my husband is high functioning Asbergers too; but goes ballistic when I mention getting testing.  Since your son is so young, there has got to be a way to get him more interested in finding out what makes him tick.  Since my husband is in his 60's and so set in his ways, I need to decide if I stay with him or leave.  However understanding this condition really helps me understand his hurtful actions.  Good luck to you.

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