Hi I have something on my mind don't no if I want answers scared

Hi first I am a coward as I have had alcahol and drug problems over the years not heroin but have lived in real s..t holes with beds and needles every where not used by me. I've lived in places where rats have been every where including our food cupboard ,and things I have done or have happened to me , lead me to thinking I have one off the two things h or a I am on antipsychotics and been in rehab and syciartrists hospitals for drug alchahole and mental Heath probs , I just want u to understand my back ground so? I am so scared not for me I lost that along time back I have 4 kids 15 to 19 I can't handle the thought they r all rely ill because of me I've mentioned this in another blog on here but not the part hep or aids I haven't had tests because I have been to scared I believe 100 percent they r dieing I rely do I'm still to scared for a test I would lose the plot I am in so so so angry inside I can't do this if ill load this because it won't load if its to long ill add more

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  • Sorry it's still me rely don't care what any one thinks it can't be worse than I do , but I carnt see any point in haveing a test because either way its bad so I would and will not let them suffer I'm rely sorry don't want to rite anything that upsets any one else on here I'm rely sorry if I do . I'm on antisycotics so I'm little bit irrational at times any way I could not whatch every one go slow I feel I would rather do something rely bad I'm sorry I'm talking like this don't care who no what I'm saying carnt take it much more can not have tests my actions when I find result would be rely rely bad I luv my kids nothing else at all I'm crying now I'm hurting so bad no one quite understand how bad it's getting if I didn't have my kids I'd kill myself tommorow getting real down now as I write in no as I said coward but please I no no excuses but I realy can't have a test it s not just a test to me it means I've got to kill my kids I'm sorry I can't win either way I no what I'm saying is all so fu.ked up I ve said it now what happens now I don't care it is driving me mad I no I shouldn't say the stuff I'm saying I no I need to please againg if I've said things that upset anyone or shouldn't of said I'm rely sorry I don't want to hurt anyone I hope god can help me thanks and sorry I no it wrong

  • I think I might of said to much now but it's said now I've thought that if all did go bad it still won't work out I ask god for help but I would end up on my own again I would not go to heaven . Every thing said now no more

  • Hi Dazzers

    Firstly please do not do anything until you see a doc or maybe a call to the Samaritans because you need help, I wish I could help but I have had no training and all I can tell you is how I see it and that is you calling for help, there are probably some others writing as i write this because this is the site you need to be.

    I understand that you might have Hep C as this is the depression part of it, My wife had Hep C and went through a nine month chemo course where she lost her hair was sick etc. and got rid of it. But now it seems it might have come back. our children are a bit older than yours (48, 45, 43 and 39) they have not been tested for hep but we live in hope they are OK without as they have had none of the symptoms.

    Me, I have Hep B. sorry by that I mean I don't actually haver hep B but am a carrier of Hep B.

    Please, do not do anything rash as you have said what you have been through and although it must be easier to say it to strangers, you have said it and no one should judge as but for the grace of god we all could be where you are.

    I understand about your being scared for a test because it might bring a whole horrible can of worms to the front again and you have fought so hard to put them down. If you have the test what would be the worst for you? Hep C? HIV? and then is it you scared of the authorities taking your family or in case they have Hep C or HIV? or both?

    Well I would be proud of myself to have gotten out of the life that you had and I know life now is tough but you are doing it, you are making a family so please do not throw away hat you have and what you might have.

    I am sorry but I have a bit of Pneumonia at the moment and although the Arthritis wakes me the Pneumonia really exhausts me.

    I will look in in a couple of hours and I hope we can chat further.

    Take care and kindest wishes

    Terry

  • Hello Dazzers,

    It sounds like you are really scared and overwhelmed right now. It is good that you are reaching out to other people for support. That is a great thing to do when you are feeling so out of control. Please don’t worry that you are upsetting people when you express yourself. This online support community is made for people like you to share your feelings and experiences.

    From what you have written it sounds like there is a lot going on in your mind. It makes sense that you are worried about what it would mean for you and for your kids if you have hepatitis or HIV. So it is scary to think about getting tested and maybe find out for sure that you have one of these conditions.

    Since the idea of being tested is so upsetting to you right now it might be a good idea for you to work through your feelings about that before being tested…especially if you are worried that you might hurt yourself or someone else, like your kids, if you get tested.

    Whether you get tested or not you deserve to get help and support for how you are feeling. Maybe you could call a crisis line or Mental Health Services in your location so you can talk to someone and get some support. If you let us know what city you are near we can work on finding resources for you.

    We encourage you to continue reaching out to online communities, and to find the support locally to help you deal with the anxiety you’ve written about.

    The HepNS staff.

  • Hi every one i am rely sorry about writing my last two messages as I just said it all a bit wrong u no I didn't rely thing how it could rely bring others down now I read it I do so please forgive me if I upset u in any way if u read it sorry good luck

  • I hope you are feeling better; but if you are still upset and worried please continue to reach out for support. Take care of yourself.

    HepNS staff