Does anyone else feel so isolated from life ? 🙃
Lonelness: Does anyone else feel so isolated from... - Headway
Lonelness
Written by
Horrorfan
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
22 Replies
•
Hello there. You may need to read this reply to your post with a cuppa; it's somewhat longer than I intended!
Your post struck a chord with me because today I was working in my (postage stamp sized) garden. I was listening to birds, pulling up weeds, digging the soil taking care not to destroy worms, puzzling over the tiny hole that has been so carefully bored into my flower bed (left intact) and restraining ground cover plants that were organizing a coup and succeeding. I was thinking while I was busy that it feels good to be alive and still active; enjoying every breath and getting thoroughly worn out but feeling great about it, even when it began to rain.
So no, I don't feel isolated from life at present, but there have been times when I've felt isolated from people for reasons I won't go into. Humans are social creatures by nature and when we feel separated from others for whatever reason, it can cause great sadness; a sense of rejection and of not 'belonging'. I have been in that place and I think such life situations bestow upon us a special kind of deep emotional pain that actually physically hurts, usually in the gut, and it can linger for a very long time.
If we are not by nature confident social "joiners" and do not have a supportive family, family close at hand or at least one very good friend, I think we need to find other sources to help us obtain contentment. Relationships are then more likely to develop; we are more relaxed and comfortable with ourselves. Others somehow recognize this and feel more comfortable with us. That's the theory anyway.
As part of my life sustenance, I like to use meditation techniques and listen to the words of Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hanh and Kim Eng. If you're curious, do a Google search and take a peek. I find that listening to audio CDs from these people helps me keep focused on things that really matter and thus influences my approach to life.
Joining a well-being group is good too. I use meditative exercise, i.e. Tai Chi, which works best in a group but can be practised alone. Yoga is also good, but I could never master it! A local library is a good source of group info, as is a local magazine.
I know 'Healthunlocked' is online, but I think it's truly exceptional compared with typical and supposedly "social" sites (I use that word cautiously). I say this because I generally avoid online social sites (Facebook, Whatsapp, Tik Tok, Twitter and the like). I think the content of these sites can quickly become toxic, i.e. irrational, disturbing and highly injurious to emotional well-being.
I think we need to get the best from life without "dragging suffering around with us like a cart behind a horse", so said Siddhartha Gautama - aka The Buddha, who never claimed to be anything other than an ordinary man. I find the Buddhist concept fascinating and eye-opening. It's not a religion, well, it wasn't originally intended to be, it's a philosophy; a way of living life contentedly and with acceptance (not the same as with dull resignation or irresponsibly). Easier said than done!
In my opinion, this book by Alistair Shearer is a good introduction to the original Buddhist concept: amazon.co.uk/Buddha-Intelli... It's easy to read and doesn't overlay Buddhism with deification.
These are my thoughts and approaches and I don't want to proselytize, but rather offer something that might spark an interest, if you haven't already been there, tried that.
If I had three wishes, they would be for good health, contentment and the third wish would be returned as unnecessary.
I hope you find your path to contentment in due course.
bridgeit,
Your reply was beautifully and eloquently crafted and articulated with a real care and passion.
I was genuinely taken aback with your response, I feel you may open some very tightly shut eyes with your own take and philosophy on Buddhism - I myself was not aware that this was not intended to be a religion and may well do some digging at this concept. The wish of living life with more content and less anguish would be some what of a blessing.
Thanks once again for your insight and kind words, I do hope they spread!
What a generous reply Forrest, thank you.
Hi Bridgeit
The distinction you make between being separated from life and separated from humans is an important one.
I have a lot of social isolation for reasons I won't go into.
I also have a a good sense of relationship to non human life and beingness in the world.
For those interested, here is
another easily accessed source of Buddhist mindset and meditation on youtube - look for Ajahn Brahm who is in Western Australia. He has been doing weekly talks for a long time- people write in and ask very ordinary day questions for advice with their struggles.There are also guided meditations and instruction in meditation. Yes, there are also talks on the Buddhist sutras which are clearly marked so you can listen or not listen. He is an interesting fellow who went to Cambridge and studied theoretical physics and then ran off to become a monk.
Yes, all completely free. (They run on donations.)
Leaf
Hello, yes it’s a place of loneliness at times. I’ve found that unless you’ve walked in the same ‘shoes’ of having a poorly brain you can’t relate the same. And so you find those moments of loneliness, it’s as if you’re broken. So what do you do at these times? I am 6 years on and still have these times, I have to be purposeful and do something to bring me out of that mindset. I will put on some uplifting music, I will set myself a task, go for a walk, or swim. When you do something physical your mind is distracted from those thoughts. I have been in some very dark, lonely and depressed times, especially in the early years after my surgery. Maybe you need to see your GP to discuss your mental health if this is starting to consume you. Can you find a headway group of like minded people who can support you ? Please know that this loneliness is normal, you can learn to live again, differently, put in place activities that will improve your mindset, body, mind and spirit.
I read you have had a very difficult time yourself. I got hit by a car 17 years ago and it feels like it was more recent . I don't feel the same person everyday feels a struggle. I feel shut off to the world and to humans. I'm not liking the outdoors and struggles with social contact. I think negatively about alot of things . Just life feels hard but I'm like glad i have found this site so I can speak and hear other people's walk of life.
I know it’s difficult, don’t be down hearted my friend, you are probably doing better than you think. Don’t forget how far you’ve come. I struggle in social situations, anything outside of my safe place at home seems to deplete me, sensory overload and anxiety are massive, but I’ve decided to feel that fear and do it anyway. You can do things scared, just a little at a time eventually you build up and the sense of achievement of doing something scared is massive. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t succeed at first either. We are brave people , no one knows how hard it is unless they’ve experienced it. Maybe it’s time for a new hobby / activity to try that’s achievable, you are a different person, who has to manage life differently. I found a local writing group, which is great, it’s quiet and the topics are really interesting. I’m also volunteering for a charity, packing baby essentials. Do what you can do and focus on that.
Hi horrorfanYes, I also get lonely sometimes for the human connection thing, socializing is a huge challenge for me.
I find trying to set up simple things helps - grocery order by phone, some sort of appointment for whatever, just saying some chit chat when going through to pay for something. They are small, and they do make a difference.
Often a local brain injury society will also have group drop in or meet up, if there is one in your area.
The library is also possible - I think the chairs for readers are back now. It may be a way to be around people and still be quiet, if you aren't used to them really.
Libraries also often have social things associated that might appeal. They can also help you find meet up groups and clubs if you can manage them.
And don't forget to look for things that are online. Various classes and groups that were doing meetings in-person are still meeting online. The nice thing about it is you don't get tired having to go to/from and it is easy to excuse yourself if you need to. There are also various exercise groups, art groups with live streams, etc.
I think most of us have times when we have more energy and times when we have less, so it can be hard to meet social obligations at times, and then others can lose interest.
We all have to keep trying. It does get hard sometimes. And tomorrow is another day, if this one didnt go well.
Keep in mind that with acquired brain injury life changed pretty fast - no reason it can't change again... only for the better.
Leaf
There is a headway group about 40 minute drive from me which is right now too much for me. I really struggle being from home . I always feel I want to be away from my local area as I want to be around new people who would then get to know me as I am . People local to me assume I'm the same as I was before my accident I find that hard to deal with. I socially isolated myself with no friends really questioning why then over years contact stopped. When I go outside I am full of anxiety it scares me .
Hi, I had to move far away from my local area, it is something I wish I hadn't (circumstance dictated). It is hard being accepted into a new community, at least it is for me. I've always been ok with my own company, take it or leave it socialising. When I moved, I found that I lacked the commonality of people that were born and bred in the area. It takes two years to be comfortable in an area even if you move locally. Better the devil you know.It might be worth having a chat with your GP, they maybe able to signpost you to services that might help?
hi and welcome to this group .. this site has helped me understand the new me more than anything else .. I also have felt very lonely and trapped in someone else’s body even my thought patterns have changed .. my off switch is definitely broken .
I’m always promoting counselling as talking does help so much and people around you very often aren’t the best to talk to . They also have techniques that can help you deal with You in a more constructive/ helpful/ caring way .they do t have a miracle cure and you do have to work at the techniques but they do work . I know from personal experiences pre TBI ..
I hope being in this group will help you to not feel so alone as you we all know from different reason how different life can be with what I call our new brain and body ..sue x
Thank you . I have had alot of counselling and cognitive behaviour therapy but still find myself creating my safety barriers alot. I do understand that by doing this I'm actually stopping myself from doing things but I can't help but do it still. I'm a big what if on everything
Does it feel odd to say that I am alone but I'm not lonely? I have chosen to retreat into my own space because that's where I feel safe. I will see medical professionals and a few close friends but apart from that, I don't want to socialise or 'do things' as it makes me feel unsafe and anxious. I have accepted my life with BI and I choose to keep myself to myself now. This doesn't mean that I'm anti-social when I do talk to people, I am actually very polite but they are at at arms length i.e. online or on the phone. I am going through a gamut of tests under a brilliant neuro consultant at the moment but am still waiting for his conclusion which in itself is very stressful, not knowing what they are finding. I keep telling people and professionals that I am a human BEING, not a human DOING! I get through my life, moment by moment and don't place demands on myself or anyone else. It's the only way I can cope. I would say that staying within your comfort zone where you feel safe and calm (however you choose to do this) is the answer to navigating life post BI... Much love and best wishes x
many times!! The only good(?) side to a TBI ? What little emotions I have left nly register for a moment or two!! Then back to a numbness, try writing your own history. So kind of fantasy story. No-one else but u will ever read, I found it very therapeutic good luck n if u find stimulation/ pleasure/ happiness please come back n let us know? Am sure we ain’t the only ones looking for something! SMILE!!
I did try writing about my life but I found I got so overwhelmed thinking of it all on paper I sounded like a stranger to myself . Needy confused constant fears a shadow of the old me. I need to stop searching for old me and embrace a new me . I convince myself I need to sell up my home and go for a new start I don't know.
be more settled when u accept a big part of the old you is gone, good side though is to see it as a chance to polish the better parts of the you y still have? Have spent the last 22 years doing so. She’d the worst bits to build a nicer character! Who else gets this option?!! Good luck on the journey, love to hear y progress!
Yes, Horrorfan, loneliness can be a problem but I am relieved to say that, after my wife rejected the new me, I was not alone for long. I am looking forward to meeting up with and spending some time with the new love in my life. I have even wondered if she was the reason I was returned. I love her deeply and passionately.
As for the Buddhism followers, I must say that this failed Catholic has a new respect for Eastern religions having undergone the judgment process when I died. By a slim majority, it was decided to return me for repair and to continue this life rather than be wiped and reborn in another body or something less pleasant (not defined to me but presumed to be rebirth in a lower life form). The problem I had and still have is that nobody told me why I became one of the 8% who survived sudden cardiac arrest. Survivor guilt perhaps.
Yes, one should be grateful for one’s life and not too critical of those who have reacted badly to the “new me”. They got someone else back not the person I used to be. Indeed, there have been times when I questioned whether I had been sent back to the right version of this planet…
seems another has joined the journey? I look at it as an opportunity to hone the better parts of the old me, rid the less desirable. Would love to hear y progress here. May inspire other unsure visitors, good on you! This is a wonderful place to inspire and learn. Thumbs up!! Can’t find the mojo?!!
I do because I have lost me and have tried so hard to find the me before TBI - I feel so utterly alone even though I have a husband of 44 years and 4 children who do so much for me. I have had my future messed with - I can no longer work so don't bring any income to the house, have a very small pension pot so many things on our bucket list will remain on the list, and my husband will now have to work to 67 so that we have enough cash to live on - so much pressure on him.
I feel most alone in bed at night even with my husband snoring beside me because I look and still see the man I married 44 years ago and want him back as my lover, but as time passes he see himself as my carer.
Not what you're looking for?
Moderation team
headwayukPartner
