No respect

[9284]

Hello everyone

I'm wondering if I am imagining or taking to heart the behaviour of my husband He seems to have no empathy and sometimes is so hurtful eg; it's all my fault

[wifeofparky]

I am so sorry you are going through this. As a Caregiver, I can understand some of his behavior. PD affects all of you. He may be going through the stages of grief because his wife is changing and he cannot "fix" you. Men are fixers and are not always sympathetic. Do either of you attend a support group? I strongly recommend a Caregiver's group for him where he can talk to other caregivers and learn from them.

You can private message me at [e-mail] if you want.

[9284 in reply to wifeofparky]

Sorry Its my husband that has the parkinsons

[djmoore60]

Hal

Is it something like social anxiety?

[9284 in reply to djmoore60]

he seems to do this when he is having a bad day and he is so Disrespectful to me who cares for him

[andrewij in reply to 9284]

I went through a stage of this when I was taking Ropinerole, once I came off it I was fine. There are other drugs that give these side-effects, therefore a review of his meds maybe an idea.

[BUZZ1397]

Why would he believe that his PD is all your fault? Lady, look, he has Parkinson's, a symptom is 'Parkinson's mask". You could learn so much about the nature of Pd and what we all go through by continuing to read posts herein. Don't let my blunt reply discourage you from finding answers here. Please just remember his facial expressions are limited and his vocal chords are stressed and tightened so maybe don't be hurt if you thought you've seen negativity or lack of feelings in his expression or vocal tone. The meds that some of us take to help us with symptoms can have a side effect of impulsivity and moodiness. So maybe he sometimes says things he shouldn't. I'm a frequent example of inappropriateness myself. Its the meds talking. Be kind and helpful.

[9284 in reply to BUZZ1397]

Thank you for your reply I was just asking for a bit of feedback on whether it was normal

[Lu45 in reply to 9284]

Is your husband's behaviour different to what it was before developing Parkinson's?. If it is then I would suspect that his comments are part of the disease. I would remind him that you do not appreciate those comments then dismiss them. Do not take them onboard because you will only cause yourself unnecessary hurt. Being a carer is very demanding.

[9284 in reply to Lu45]

Thank you He was always a bit demanding but it does seem to have increased

[Bailey_Texas in reply to 9284]

Hello 9284

I have had PD for 11 years and i can tell you that mood swings and bad behavior is part of of PD. Talk to his DR. and tell him about the changes in your husband and he may be able to change his meds if they are to blame. Good luck.

[9284 in reply to Bailey_Texas]

Thank you

It's funny because I am an assistant nurse in an acute medical ward and a lot of time I am taking care of people with delirium or dementia and it gets very challenging so I know how to handle it all

[Bailey_Texas in reply to 9284]

Great your husband is one lucky man. Most people just take it personal and become bitter. I tell my dear wife when i am moody and not to take it to heart but it still hurts her. I have always been mild mannered but when the meds don't work i can be so terrible.

[9284 in reply to Bailey_Texas]

My husband is the same thanks for your kind words

[soup]

I have read research showing that for some people, Parkinson's does reduce the ability to see the world from other points of view. This would lead to a lack of empathy. It sounds as though when he is having a bad day he cannot appreciate you because you are not conforming to his way of thinking.

It doesn't mean you have to accept it meekly though. Keep communicating.

[9284 in reply to soup]

Thank you so much It hurts because it's so sad to see your husband of 30 years suffer and I try so hard not to get impatient with him

[soup in reply to 9284]

There are caregiver Facebook groups which might help. If you are interested in joining one as well as this forum just message me.

[9284 in reply to soup]

Thank you

[answerseeker in reply to 9284]

My husband with PD 12.5 years is generally appreciative of all I do to help him but when he is having more challenges than usual sometimes he does get irritable and over reactive. I find if I have had enough sleep and have gotten my exercise in, I can recognize it for what it is. If I am not taking care of myself and am overstressed too, I can join the party on his level. If I am in a better place myself, I can acknowledge his frustration, exhaustion etc, say I am sorry he has to deal with it and that I wish I could fix it for him. I then sometimes add his comments drain my energy too if that is the case that day.

When we are both in a better place, I have sat down and had 'the talk' with him about the difference it makes when we both are doing our best to get our basic needs met. For both of us I find adequate sleep and daily exercise make a world of difference. We can both laugh, sing and joke more.

For awhile I saw a therapist myself at the suggestion of my daughter that I could use someone to talk to who I could say what I felt without first censoring what came out of my mouth. (I am a health professional also and do a lot of coaching.) It was helpful is getting a lot off my chest and making me more committed to addressing my own needs and expressing my feelings more to my husband who then started talking more calmly to me about his feelings. Overall it was very helpful.

Bottom line. His behavior is not unusual and neither is yours. Hang in there and be grateful you have each other. We look at our friends who all seem to be dealing with one health challenge or another and are grateful we are not in their shoes. I'm sure they look at us and think the same thing. This is life. Somehow in the struggle to find solutions, one often finds the joy.

Wishing you both well.

[9284 in reply to answerseeker]

Thank you I feel when My husband is feeling ok he is a different person

I'm going back to work after a month off so I'm hoping that will put me back in a routine

Take care

[Bazillion]

Well said

[PUTLAND]

I understand how you feel. Its so hard to deal with the empathy side. My husband is so angry and frustrated and I think he resents me being able to do things he cant, he was always so independent and is in denial with the condition. Try and ignore the hurtfulness as it is sometimes part of this terrible disease. Look after yourself xxxx

[9284 in reply to PUTLAND]

I feel so much better knowing people know what I feel and you look after yourself too

Thank you

[HealthSeeker7]

Thank you HAL-9000. I see the same thing happening to my husband when there's too much going on at once. I'm grateful to you for putting into words what he has been unable to explain himself.

[Pelley]

It is so evident when you encounter a "trained" professional... My newest resident (trainee) neuro needs some of the street smarts. I was talking about door handles as compared to knobs and lost him somewhere along the way. It is so important to see more than what goes on inside an exam room where they see people who are either seeking a dx, or like myself........ 11 years.... 4 residents.... 5 brain surgeries (post surgical infections) and now 5 years into DBS, trying to prove to them I am cured.

If you followed that thought strain you've successfully arrived here. I have recently had my update with my neuro team and meeting with the programmer (another new one).

I am disappointed with this follow thru post surgery. Medtronics will soon need to develop a ridged uniformity to their training with the capabilities of the DBS. Does anyone else out there know what I'm talking about? The DBS correctly placed is still only as good as it's programmer. This last one must've came to them from a video game room repairman's position.

[TheGimba]

I can totally relate. At times I didn't recognize who I was living with. It is hard to separate disease from person. Parkinson's kills spousal relationships....just my humble opinion. Part of brain that allows empathy/compassion sympathy must be impacted I guess. It takes a really big spouse to cope with this, and medical community, friends and family just don't see it, typically, so you suffer in silence and become "single" but you're not. I'm just not coping with this very well either. Wish I had an answer. No drugs for apathy that I know of. I hate it when I hear pros say that they are grieving about their situation or trying to deal with their diagnosis...my experience is that they simply don't give a shit about anything....extreme apathy..which I think is all due to brain damage, not a personal choice, so not their fault, but really hard to be around.

[9284 in reply to TheGimba]

Everything you said is how I feel

I am lucky I work in an acute ward in a big hospital as an assistant nurse and I handle it everyday and I enjoy the challenge

I have had a months annual leave so am out of routine myself so I go back to work tomorrow so hopefully I will feel better

I feel your hurt

[Hidden]

I know exactly what you mean. I could fall down and break a leg and my husband would just stare. The emotional section of our brains is affected by Parkinsons and empathy, compassion, sympathy and thanks go right out the window.......all the nice things our husbands use to express before they got sick. They are not doing it on purpose.

[9284 in reply to Hidden]

It's so good to have you guys to vent to and I feel your pain and hurt

[daveyno9]

i get the same treatment from my partner if im feeling a bit low or not well she says things like & now wots the matter with u ur always moaning about something

[zawy]

I have read Parkinson's husbands are very "difficult". "I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles" which my wife and children can relate to very well. I have not been diagnosed with PD, but I suspect I have something like it. The inability to concentrate and anxiety make me very irritable which makes me prone to getting annoyed and angry. The irritability makes me not want to be around people. They smile and want to chit-chat and I'm like "WTF do you want?" but at the same time I don't want to hurt their feelings or make them hate me. I just want them to go away and leave me alone because conversation requires attention to their language and facial expressions and the ability to respond very fast. It's a lot easier to be friendly on the internet because I can read and respond at my leisure, but even here I am often not friendly. Someone mentioned PD patients fundamentally lose their ability to sympathize but I would think that is secondary to being "not there" and/or miserable.

[Hikoi]

9284

You might find some info if you look up anhedonia and parkinsons. Its not all the explanation but there are brain changes that interfere with our emotions. Despite that you shouldnt have to put up with on going verbal put downs and need to work out how to deal with them to protect yourself. That may be going out of the room, talking to a therapist for personal support, having time away from him, joining the group soup suggests etc all things mentioned already.

He may need antidepressant medication too if hes not already on treatment. Yes do let the doctors know. There could be medication changes needed.

Look after yourself.