I haven't posted in a while because basically it's been non stop with my husbands in and out of hospital. I'm just wondering if anyone is experiencing anything like I am with my husbands behaviour and MH.
20 times my husband was blue lighted to Hospital last year 15 months in hospital over 2 years and although the hospital are doing everything they can to 'fix him' his prognosis and comorbidities are so complicated they're amazed he's still alive! In fact he's actually become a research patient in his own right.
The point is I've now gone back to work after taking a year out to look after him. (I actually work on a ward in the hospital and I do long hours including night shifts occasionally). After a year of sepsis/pneumonia he's now on his 9th bout of it currently, HE episodes whete he disappeared off a DOLS on ward and dissappeared for 2 weeks and had mental health crisis team and police searching for him (he rang none stop everyday crazy but wouldn't tell me where he was) with HE episodes hes taken drugs (he hates drugs and its not something hes ever done) hes started drinking again and lies to my face about it. His MH is awful and he swaps between im dieing to there's hope (the consultants actually think he might have another 10-15 years and that something might come up a new treatment for him) he has a critical care psychologist who he can arrange meetings with (but recently she had to cancel)
This is only the tip of the iceberg to be honest and with everything else that he has day to day is challenging enough. My husband has disappeared he never actually came out of critical care 2 years ago if I'm being honest.
But now I'm struggling not so much with his illness but his behaviour its becoming a living nightmare he's narky horrible argumentative most days (I think he's had a drink on these days but he lies to my face) he's very rarely 'my husband' anymore and I'm struggling to cope with it.
God forgive me I've tried everything to make him see reason and cared for him but he's not my husband anymore hes literally disappearing personality wise day by day. It's making me ill but he just tells me I'm ranting and I'm selfish and I'm killing him by nagging him and questioning him all the time. But I have to I don't know what he's up to if it isnt HE it something else wrong with him.
I want to cry everyday, even writing this I'm crying Im at my wits end, im embarrassed about his behaviour when hes like this, we were in a and e last night for 10 hours as his heart rate was 165 he's been sent home as he's already being treated for the pneumonia but he stunk of vodka it was mortifying.
He had 5 consultants in an appointment with him yesterday from different specialities to dicuss his symptoms and treatment (this was minus the 2 main consultants he has) he's getting best treatment available and it's like he's given up.
Is anyone else experiencing this behaviour with a loved one with cirrhosis (blocked TIPS) HE etc? I'm serious considering asking for a divorce but he'd get half my inheritance and probably drink himself to death and I couldn't bare it. I don't want a divorce but I can't live like this I dread coming home.
Thanks for listening
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DD75
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Oh boy my heart goes out to you, now I hope you don't mind me replying even though I'm a man, I was that person that you describe as your husband, I can't deal with everything you've mentioned, and perhaps I hadn't quite reached the extent your husband has reached now, I'm sober for 12 + years and I enjoy life now, but I genuinely had reasons for my chronic drinking habits, I witnessed two traumatic incidents and ended up with ptsd. Now back to yourself, obviously the drinking needs to end, otherwise I think you know the outcome, I would imagine your life is one big roller coaster, and it's the ride you wanted to get off many years ago , I can imagine the horrors that this drinking involves , and all the time your physical health and mental health is badly affected, unfortunately alcoholics don't recognise the damage they do around them, and I don't know if your husband had reasons to drink, the biggest problem is that at the beginning drinkers think they control of this "condition " but it then becomes an addiction, with more and more drink required, staggering around, shouting Abuse, having accidents or falling which entails trips to A&E,and stinking of booze, and obviously I'm quite a deep thinker on how I say things, and I don't know whether using the word sadly or unfortunately when reading your story makes me want to use the word sadly when your husband has decided to finish his life through drinking, but if he has had long term problems, not just with drinking, but issues that could've set his drinking off, something I don't know.
He has lost all sense of reality, even giving up on his marriage, drinking is awful, it gives both parties a sense of failure, even though you're trying your VERY BEST, but your husband is unaware of his thoughts, actions and responsibilities, there's going to be many more problems lie ahead, and sadly your health will be severely affected with this journey of his,I've had numerous " experience " with this, and I was lucky enough to find a way out of the chaotic lifestyle of the demon drink, you have my support and obviously I can't predict his future, but your post comes from the heart and you sound like a " broken woman " I hope you get more replies and if you're stuck with anything don't hesitate to ask, kindest regards Chris.
You're correct he does have PTSD and his MH has detoriated and the constant hospital appointments which he really should be thankful for as he's getting best treatment from some of the best consultants in the County Europe even but he just sees it as more pain more bad news.
I understand alcoholics I was one I'm 10 years sober I didn't get sober because of I'll health I got sober for him. Now admittedly his prognosis and the pain he's in is unbearable to comprehend but as I've now written in a letter to him I can't live with am alcoholic who is killing himself. His last days on this earth no matter how many are not made better by drinking they're made worse and there'll be a lot less of them.
Well done you on your sobriety that is amazing. I think the problem with my husband is in his head he is dieing with no hope which isn't actually 100% correct yes he's got a life threatening limiting illness but the hospital are trying to extend his life constantly trying to manage each illness each physical problem. They haven't given in which is why it is so sad he has.
Ah right thank you for explaining a bit more, I think it's important you know he isn't alone and I'm sorry that things aren't great, I'll tell you why i drank myself into oblivion and maybe this can let your husband know he's not alone maybe different circumstances but still maybe relates to his demise , these posts are often quite long and I hope you have time to read it.My story was that I found my friend hanging from the living room ceiling, this started the ball rolling, we moved away from that area and just a few months later I tried to rescue a little toddler that she had claimed into a dustbin full of water, I knew she was dead already, but put the cpr and kiss of life into practice whilst waiting for the ambulance service, all the time I had the mother howling in the background, this threw me apart, mentally and I lost touch with my family and just upsticks and left everyone!!!
I ended up becoming a working alcoholic, moved around like a nomad, I have loads to fill in with this story but I want to try and give you and your husband some support if at all, and try and give this one last shot at life and maybe consider all is not lost with him, obviously each of us have severity of health conditions and I presume you know he's on a one way ticket to not being around any longer, and doctors/ specialist can give an idea how much more his body can tolerate.
I'm not medically trained and at the time of various hospital admissions I didn't pay any attention to what was being said to me on various drying out treatments, and I'm ashamed to say I even went to the nearest pub after another drying out treatment because my discharge medication wasn't ready and went back drunk to the hospital even though I had been officially discharged!!!!
Boy I've done nothing bad really, I was a depressive drunk, and all those years ago I never sought help, I've even ended up in a official drinkers hostel!!!
Well the thought of you giving him a final ultimatum may do nothing, is he to far down the rabbit hole to pull him out ???
Now regarding my counselling I was told to avoid the news, don't buy newspapers and obviously getting medical assistance for the first day without a drink, I've hidden drink when living with someone who also was a drinker, but I took my first proper steps gradually, and maybe your husband has tried AA, it wasn't for me, I didn't like being told what to do, tried another method of drying out but they wanted my drivers licence details and i was thinking this may affect my future even though I wasn't sober at this time, yes every little step I achieved was down to myself in theory, this is why your husband has to do it for himself without a drink but medication can help, I think my body had enough of alcohol , and I had enough of the drinking , I was missing the
" good life " the normal things that most people enjoy , so fast forward I've worked, even though I ended up with neuropathy, had numerous foreign holidays, and I'm back on planet earth having a good relationship with my kids, obviously I'm trying to say I was successful in staying sober, and BTW well done on your sobriety, sometimes I bet you don't recognise your husband as the person you love anymore, I had to move away from my previous partner as she continued to drink while I was trying to become sober , I even got my own place but don't venture out much, there's loads if stuff I've missed on here as I've side tracked trying to put everything in a long post, as I'm well aware that you have other things you need to fill in, and obviously I'm trying my best to cover everything without writing a book on here which I'm sure you can relate to, so I'm willing to share more information if that helps, thanks for reaching out, you're not alone here, Chris 🙏
I'm not really sure what time my husband has left to be honest he changes depending on mood I think his overall diagnosis is not great but his consultants aren't giving up another consultant told him that his colleagues (the other consultants hepatic and gastroenterology) think my husband could have another 10-15 years as his body has amazing rejuvenation and it doesn't seem to do what every other human body does which is basically why they find his case so interesting.
In fact after he survived critical care when this all started one consultant said how are you still alive and another asked him if he was human 🤦♀️🤣
I just know drinking isn't helping anything.
Thank you for being so honest Chris, I really appreciate your help and support when I really need it most Thank you thank you 🙏
No problem, and I agree that the human is amazing at withstanding numerous ailments, obviously I've hammered mine on numerous occasions , but I was slightly disappointed that the I ended up with neuropathy, I had thought I'd got away with it, unfortunately it kicked in after around 3 months after stopping my first drink and still have it until this present moment.There's so many threads that drinking causes and trying to undo the pattern of it's issues is like a piece of string unravelling, you just don't know how further you have to go towards the core issues, when I first stopped drinking there was the pangs of guilt, this is when you could easily fall of the wagon and hit the drink, this still has significant issues even after all the years of being sober, but obviously the drink itself is a depressant, so I've got the tools to understand, and the coping mechanisms to handle most things that come my way.
Well I'll be around anytime you need a chat, and of course I hope that things improve, you must be living life on a knife edge, and your husband's drinking will not only have changed his personality but severely affected yours, the person you once loved could easily end up being in hatred, and the sad reality is that drink is so readily available, and causes so many problems within society, well stay strong, and I'll be hoping that things improve!!!
I actually went out for lunch with friends today and visited some others just got home had a lovely time I agree I spending time with friends is important 😊 thank you
Hi, I have no experience of what you’re going through, so can only sympathise. I do have experience of being at my wits end caring for someone though. Are social services involved? If you tell them how close you are to cracking, they might put respite care in place to give you a break. You need to look after yourself and spend time doing things you enjoy. And that’s really hard when you’re working and caring. Are there other family members who could take a turn? If they understand what you’re going through you might get more support yourself. We have a local carers organisation which is fantastic for advice and support. It might be worth seeing if there is anything local. Sending you a big hug.
I did get him into respite care but I ended up spending more time at the home trying to sort out his grab file and calling paramedics because the staff weren't equipped to deal with his I'll health they were also using his observations kit on the other residents 🤦♀️ I went mad talk about infection unbelievable but he dies have carers but he keeps cancelling them as he's deemed to have capacity or he's out when they turn up and I get rung at work 🤦♀️ I think I need to contact his social worker to be honest.
Thank you for your advice though there's so many things going on I forget half the time myself
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I wish I had some answers for you. Dig deep and either keep going or step away for a while. Both will be hard but you sound like a strong and capable woman, so I’m sure you can do whatever needs to be done to look after yourself. If you don’t look after yourself now, you won’t be able to look after him later when he acknowledges that he needs it.
Part of me thinks he needs something big to happen, a big shock to the system to realise the behaviour cannot continue. For my husband (18 months sober following 20+ years of functional alcoholism), this was his health diagnoses and being told this time last year if he didn't stop drinking he would be dead in 6 months. Have you left previously? If you did leave would you have somewhere safe to go?
When was the last DOLS/capacity assessment done? My MIL is currently terminally ill and they have advised us that DOLS assessments and capacity assessments need to be carried out regularly. Has one been done while he's in an HE episode? He sounds like he could be a danger to himself, have they considered section?
I think my husbands rock bottom is death when it's too late he's had 3 varices bleeds resulting in emergency surgery his TIPS is blocked and can't be unblocked and because of where the original bloodclot is located (which has broken up a bit and blocked the current TIPS they can't give him another one) he has pneumonia again and so on and so forth so I think he's just given up and decided to drink himself to death quicker than his current life expectancy.
He's lieing to my face again about drinking he's now I think drinking everyday but trying to hide it his latest is bottles of water with vodka in he's so far mentally gone that I've been sober for 10 years and when I asked could I swig his water (a tester) he initially said no and grabbed it but then said oh OK which is worrying if he had vodka in it as he'd previously never let me drink alcohol by mistake knowing I'm teetotal.
They never assessed him whilst he had full blown HE well they did but didn't it's random.
I am so full of rage I can't believe it. I'm honestly struggling.
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Feel a little lost :(
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