In crisis

Hi all, i was diagnosed with copd 3 yrs ago. I have to hang my head in shame that i still smoke!!! I know im dicing with death, my dad died at 65 of a heart attack caused by severe copd. I saw him laid out on a slab dead, got diagnosed shortly after he died yet i cant or wont do it. Im so messed up. So weak and ashamed. I have mental health issues too and its all just so hard!. I am completely alone with 2 children and i worry constantly. I hide in my room most days. I am not full of doom and gloom ive made an appointment with quit4life in 3 weeks time, theres a waiting list but so scared of whats to come. I have to admit i have smoked weed too for many yrs and thats my dark secret. I now have moderate copd and im struggling with daily chores i get so out of breath. Im only 46 as well and feel like i wont make it to my dads age and i dont deserve any help because i wont help myself. Ive been to the doctors but i still come away feeling whats the point. I know im at a crisis point and i have to give up all my smoking habits but im not sure im strong enough. I have an eating disorde too which makes my health poorly and im so tired all the time. Please can anyone help me feeling so alone right now. I know i deserve no empathy but any advice gratefully recieved.

44 Replies

oldestnewest
  • You've taken the first step to quitting smoking. Well done! It's a difficult addiction to overcome, but you can do it. Hipefully your doctor has you on medication for your copd - if not, make another appointment and ask for it. If you have meds, make sure you take them. Don't hide in your room - get out and move! You may not feel like it but it will be so beneficial to all aspects of your wellbeing. There are plenty on here who've been through what you're going through so you are not alone. I'm hoping 2greys will see your post and give you some words of wisdom. He helped me more than he'll know - meds, healthy diet and exercise will all contribute to your improvement. Your eating disorder may make it more difficult but if you have the will power to give up all forms of smoking, you'll find the strength to tackle that also. Remember, start slowly with small steps. It does get easier.

  • Thankyou

  • Hi nice to meet you and welcome to the site. I am sure you are not the only one who is still smoking with a lung disease, but the reality is if you continue it won't be a sudden death but rather a long drawn out one on oxygen and housebound. That reality should be enough to put you right off smoking. Sudden death is easy but a long drawn out one is very different.

    There is a very good quit smoking site on here called 'Quit'. Why not join and access the help available. You have to get your head into the right mindset but you can do this. I know it's very difficult but please try and keep on trying.

    Ps there are also 2 good mental health sites on here as well.

  • Thankyou

  • You are more than welcome. If I can help further don't hesitate to pm me.

  • I don't think you'd have all these negative thoughts about anyone else would you, we all seem to to expect more and 'better' from ourselves than we do of others when we don't actually think that we're better than anyone. Don't be so hard on yourself, you've admitted to doing things that you know havent done you any good in the past, and that's a good place to start from - it's so much better than being in denial. Stopping smoking isn't easy, I smoked for 49 yrs - I stopped after my fourth attempt when I was 66. I first tried to give up when I was 40, having failed I gave up giving up for a few more years, it doesn't happen overnight and that doesn't matter but if I was giving up now I think I'd try the ecigs. I've never tried weed so I don't really know how much that complicates things, though I imagine it does, I don't know how much your eating disorder impacts on you life either but - you have two children and you have a life waiting to be lived and enjoyed. Don't think or 'tell yourself' bad things about yourself, you're no better or worse than anyone else - and negative thoughts and messages will only create negative feelings. You might need some help with some of your problems but that's nothing to be ashamed of, talk to your doctor, see what helps available and if you have to wait to get it, try to relax and stay calm. It's good that you have an appointment with quit4life, coming up - have you had a look at the HU quit forum - you might find that helpful as well. Good luck and my best wishes to you.

  • Thankyou so much for being understanding it means so much ☺and thanks for the advice

  • Yep the ecigs - vaping - really help - you can reduce the amount of nicotine quite quickly. The doctors count it as a quit if you only do this. The big thing ofc is that it isn't the nicotine in the end but the whole ritual stuff with smoking that's the real addiction - something in your hands and your mouth, the preparation etc. If you can give the lot that's best but if you keep failing do the vaping - it will save your life. You can have many more years ahead of you and can learn to manage your symptoms. You have begun - you posted on here and that a brilliant and brave step! Good luck

  • Thankyou it was hard being so honest

  • 🌹🌹💛💜 you will get there hunni good luck Angie xxx

  • Thankyou☺

  • Your welcome hun don't be down on yaself take what you have that's positive in your life and gain the strength from that knowing you can deal with things ...😊 get all the help and support you can from everyone round about you but do it slowly and it will happen xxxx

  • Hello and welcome to the forum. When you are so down every step seems like a mountain. It may help if you get help with the depression first. There are communities on here that can help but your GP is the first point of call. Try to explain to him how important it is to you to get your negative feelings under control so that you can move ahead and give up the tobacco. And stop beating yourself up. Good luck.

  • Thanks

  • Quitting smoking is one of the hardest addictions to break. Many people fail more than once . I stopped for two years, let my guard down in the pub one day and that was it, back to smoking full time again. I have since quit again, this time I won't let my guard down. You are not a failure, but you do need to keep trying.

    I went onto vaping this time to quit and was suprised how easy it was to leave the cigarettes behind. No withdrawal symptoms as you still get the nicotine without any of the nasty tar and chemicals. Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can. I vaped for six months, went down the strengths in nicotine, and now I don't use that anymore either.

    Good luck, keep trying, you WILL do it.

  • Thankyou for your advice

  • It sounds like you are having to deal with a lot on your own, especially having two dependant children, and being really hard on yourself. Why shouldn't people have sympathy for you, nobody is perfect even if they like to think they are. Most of us on this forum have been silly billies. We've smoked, disabused our health in other ways and I would go as far as to say we've done it just trying to get through life and it's complications for the most part, easing the way so to speak. That doesn't make us bad people and neither are you. There have been some really good comments in answer to your cry for help and the folk on here seem to not only be very knowledgeable but sincere. I have benefited from browsing each day and learning as well from the short time I have been on here. Up to a couple of months ago I had become reclusive, staying in my bedroom feeling fatigued, breathless, afraid to do anything in case I got breathless. I had been like this since January. I found this site by accident, read and thought I have to try to do something. The first thing was to go out for car rides into the countryside, I didn't have to walk anywhere but it was lovely. We still do it a couple of times a week, but now I've upped my game and we stop at a pub for dinner or just a drink. I've managed to spend an evening at my son's (up to this point, they were all coming to see me!), I've managed a couple of supermarket walks - these were huge confidence boosters for me. I suffer with anxiety too so this had been a huge step for me. I try to do some exercises every day, learned some breathing techniques and bought myself a pedal exerciser. I don't always spend a lot of time doing these things, I take it slowly because I'm not always in the right frame of mind and that is something I have to work on. I still don't go downstairs everyday but I've made a start.

    It's true when it's said negativity breeds negativity. I was always an optimist but I've that shaken out of me during the last year or so and it's now time for me to find that person again or life will just suck! I'm sure you can do it too with the right help - all best wishes Ann

  • Thankyou ann, thats helped such alot. All the supporting comments are helpful and its so good to feel like i have people who really understand x

  • whot a lovely post

  • Flipping 'eck! Clam down, I'll do the worrying for you if that helps! (I'm actually quite good at it - lots of experience).

    You know the routine about smoking - don't forget that "falling off the wagon" doesn't mean you can't jump right back on as soon as you are ready ... most people have a few goes before they win (bit like athletes - they have a few practice runs as well!).

    Guess, for me, the biggest concern is locking yourself away cause that has physical and mental issues. Outside there's a world of fresh air (well, okay mostly), a chance to push yourself a little and exercise those lungs (which is good for them). If you pass someone (a complete stranger) try smiling at them - they usually smile back and you'll have helped improve their mood whilst exercising a few facial muscles yourself.

    Start loving yourself and the world will start loving you back. Try talking to the GP - I did, two days ago, about mental health. He was great and offered many options which I'm now exploring. If he's not helpful then see another one in the practice until you find one who will help you.

    Mental health issues go hand-in-hand with COPD ... it's took me a long time to realise how it's affecting me - you arleady identify with the issue so you're streets ahead of me in this.

    When you lock yourself away and suddenly you shudder - don't worry ... it's just us lot giving you a hug!

    Take care and find a few positives, kids, home, life .....

    Best wishes

    Tony

  • Thanks tony, made me smile

  • No worries. Now it's your turn to make someone smile - it makes us feel better. I joke .... but there is a VERY serious side.

    I struggle from time to time - I actually get where your at , take care

  • god this is just like my story i still smoke just lost my dad to copd i am dipressed.to be honest i am on other things aswell so i hang my head in shame also .Well whot can i say to you .i am on anti depressents and if it wasnt threw them i no i would be in a right mess.Have you got a good gp that is so inprtant i think.mine is excerlant and any thing i want i get so i think that is sooooo inportant dont you .my heart goes out to you cos i lost my dad in november and i no i havnt greived one bit i darnt i no i would crack up .i keep it all inside me and i just so grumpy al, the time in fact i am so unhappy it hurts but please think about the future cos if you dont whot will the kids do if you dont .Mine are all grown up but still are giving me so many problems but it keeps me busy so god knows why im telling you this.Please be strong and talk to me if you need any time .thanks for listing to me my freindxxxx

  • Thanks so much for your kind words

  • After I have gone walkies and got to my watering hole I will PM you from there, in about an hours time. I am sure I can help you a little.

  • I really hope i can do it, thankyou

  • Lot's of us have reacted exactly like you have Melanie, because I had done this to myself, was awful. Now, I known, it's just plain old bad luck.

    I didn't manage to stop for nearly 2 years, not until I had got my mental health sorted. I know how every cigarette will make you feel even worse, for doing it, but, you don't have to stop dead.

    I cut mine right down, It helped take the desperation away and helped to ease the bad feelings. I used an ecig.

    So don't fret about it, just cut them down slowly, from about 6 a day.

    Getting yourself out for a bit is vital. I did the staying in and it did me far more harm than good. Take care xx

  • Thankyou

  • good comments

  • You are worth it, melaniedovey. It may not seem like it to you at the moment, but keep trudging through this, one step at a time, one day at a time. Force yourself to do the things that you need to do, and then praise yourself for what you have achieved. Sending you lots of (((hugs))).

  • Many thanks

  • Welcome to the site Mel x

  • Smoking the weed is not good with having COPD. (edited by moderator) Good luck to you and I hope you get yourself together. You sound like a great person and look you've two beautiful kids..

  • Thankyou

  • Hope your having a better day today Mel x

  • Cheers alan i am thanks, feeling a bit more upbeat x

  • Glad your feeling a bit better as you sounded quite down not a good place to be stuck in the bedroom worrying yourself sick ,like me maybe you need to see gp for help with anxieties don't beat your self up because you still smoke and you used to smoke weed hope tomorrow is a good day for you.x

  • And you too alan, even got out the bedroom the last couple of days so thankyou and i hope tomorrows good for u too x

  • Hi there.

    I was diagnosed recently with copd and was so angry with myself and upset that I had damaged my lungs that I gave cigarettes up immediately. It was really hard at the beginning because ciggies had been such a big part of my life but i now know that I will never go back. The only time I struggle now is when I drink alcohol, but I use an ecig and then am fine. Trust me, if I can do it having smoked for 40 years, anyone can. I know it's easy for me to say but Please try and keep you chin up and stay on this site. I feel much more positive about life since I joined. Xx

  • Thankyou

  • Oh my days! Another smoker feeling like a leper - I'm afraid a judgemental society made you feel like this Melanie (and Sue). Stop feeling guilty and so down on yourselves - I smoked for 60+ years so I contributed handsomely to the country's economy in taxes and tobacco revenues generally, so I give the finger to all the holier than thou's. Having said that, I tried everything to pack it in for financial reasons in the early days - patches, gums, books - even hypnosis - came out of that and went straight to a cafe and had a coffee and a fag! I gave up for periods of 2 years then a year, fell off the wagon both times. Diagnosed with asthma but continued to smoke and got all the vile infections and lived on abs and steroids - I accepted that smoking would kill me slowly but surely and very painfully. Then, on the 28/1/2010 I got my first very primitive e-cig and have never smoked a cigarette since; I know from my own success that if I can make the switch anyone can.

    I am a very strong-willed person, when I needed to lose weight for health reasons I took off almost 3.5 stone and have kept it off, if I put my mind to something then I carry it out, but smoking had me beat - so addicted!

    I truly believe that but for the e-cig I would have been dead and buried years ago because it is the tar in fags that is the killer. "We smoke for the nicotine but die from the tar" is the vaper's mantra and is so true. So many respected scientific sources have endorsed e-cigs as 95% safer than smoking that you can ignore the headlines that try to scare people - I'd believe Public Health England and the RCP far more than the Daily Fail!

    Read y-not's post carefully, it is brilliant advice which I heartily agree with and, above all, stop the smokes because if you don't nothing else will work. I still have asthma and COPD but have had only about 4 infections in 7+ years where I've needed abs/steroids - I used to be on them 4 or 5 times a year. I wish you so much luck - you'll get ther I know.

  • Thankyou so much

  • Well,

    Hello...nice to meet you. My name is Deb. If you could read my very first post we could be twins! And here the funny part..I almost cried reading your post. I wanted to reach out and give you a huge hug and tell you how amazing you are! COPD is enough of a challenge, throw in mental health issues, raising two children on your own and losing a parent. I'm seriously in awe of your strength.

    Now, I said the "funny" part because you have basically described me. I'm kinda new at this online stuff but I'm curious to see if you read my first post, what advice you would have for me..? I'm so ashamed of my smoking that I haven't made it back to see my doctor! I too feel like I don't deserve help because I'm still smoking..but as I read your letter I would be thrilled to have you as a friend! Man, I wish there was some magic that would help us be good to ourselves. As you have seen there is so much support here..I know sometimes we don't feel we deserve it..but take it. You are so worth it ! :)

  • Hi debs, really nice to meet u and not feel so alone! I had some amazing advice which im trying to take on board from other members here, take it a day at a time. My appointment with the quit4life team isnt for 3 weeks so im trying to not be so hard pn myself for smoking. Giving up the weed will be hard ive smoked everyday for over 30 years but im keeping things as simple as i can. The fear of knowing whats rd the corner with my low mood terrifies me, will i be able to cope, i dont know, will i relapse, probably but i dont do myself any favours beating myself up! We can support each other, ill be needing to vent no doubt in the coming weeks and will keep u updated regularly with news. Im a bit more positive today thank god and would love to have you as a friend ☺

You may also like...